It just happens...oopss..

Whenever I head towards something with focus, things happen. It’s a rule which applies only to me. Over time, I have adapted myself to it and now all I do about them is to face them and smile.

On Saturday I am going to appear for a technical test for an opportunity at another Investment Bank and I have high hopes that they can pay me more. A high pay, onto the scale which I am looking out for, would solve many a problems for me. It’s another topic all together how I realized that it’s almost a year since I started looking for a change. It surely has been a year, endless nights of preparation and two companies which got added onto my profile and I am still there in the market, dreaming and trying everyday for a better paying job. Anyways, onto the story at hand, I decide to take a day off from work and prepare at home. My manager calls me up and asks to come over to work in the evening as my business head from U.S. is in the city and an all hands meet has been planned across teams which report to him. Bored with myself, I head for office, sit and hear him happily wondering about the things that are left to be read and I get a recognition award as he announces my name and in the next 20 minutes, I am told by my manager that I would be rated as an exceeding expectations candidate in the appraisal which is one month down the lane and that she has already decided the ratings. I head back home with so many good feelings. And that’s the problem I was referring to.

When you are a hopeless void (i.e. an empty black hole sucking in everything around which is not just good but all the bad too) and you try day in and day out to make things different, something which can put you off your tracks or makes you feel better is actually deceptive in nature. Staying focused and doing what you were becomes so much more difficult. That’s bad. That’s fate not playing fair with you.

A NEW me.

There are things in life which I want. I want to have a better life and enjoy the so called materialistic world. When I was yet to start working, I always felt that there was nothing I can’t have. That belief is still there. There are friends/people around me who often wonder if they would ever own a BMW and Europe trips at leisure. My response to them has always been a “Why Not”.

During the last few months I can see that faith in myself dwindling like never before. I am working in one of the biggest Investment Banks, I know what I do and I am better in what I do than people around me. I also earn decent bucks. Ok, to answer where the problem lies, my responsibilities are huge. And as I head towards a 30 and a marriage in coming 1-2 years, I question myself about what my friends used to wonder a few years back. It’s pain that I feel inside. I am not afraid of losing. I am afraid of not having tried.

It has been a year. Never did I have a day when I could come back home from work and enjoy myself. It has remained a relentless journey to excel and better my situation. In these four years of work, I have read more than anyone can during their four years of engineering. And all of that hasn’t gone futile. I have been lucky with interviews, jobs and employers but not with money. That defines what my problem is.

An Indian Information Technology Male who used to be onsite-hater and mock people dying to travel abroad is today seeing that as the only way ahead. I ended up at the same corners. That’s life. It always asks you to portray how badly you want things in life. Rest, in some cases only, gets taken care of.

A Choice.

I am just being selfish and I chose to be that ways. Bigger things are at stake this time. A 100% commitment to the organization after you have put down your papers is always difficult. In the past, I have done that just to fight my guilt and to be decent in my exit. But this time, my GMAT exam is at stake. Considering that my academics are average, I am in desperate need to ace it. My failing in doing so will cost me a year and may be a drop of my plans to do MBA. Re-appearing the exam also doesn’t fit in as an option as I am already in a huge debt. My credit card is screaming at all time high levels due to the numerous needy swipes it has encountered.

So, my dear colleague and friend, I am really sorry for doing this to you. I know I have starting neglecting my work to leave a bit early and have been shunning away from responsibilities. But staying till two in the morning and slogging for a person who doesn’t even care if I had my dinner or is not capable enough to make out what it takes to put in twelve hours of work, makes me feel real bad especially more so when I know I am running on my last chance. You aren’t aware of my issues but I hope that you will try to understand me and behave with maturity. I have done my part in making you understand the consequences of your decision to stick out here. That is the most I could have done to show you how deep the waters are. I also gave you a helping hand to pull you out of it.

Eight Months

It feels so good to be back to blogging. If you ask me what kept me away, its issues at work and not the work in itself. Gradually over the years I have become a person who now firmly believes that if you don’t get what you want, go and get it. The moment you decide to wait for it, a few moments pushes you back the queue significantly. I was denied a promotion. I was denied a project of my skill set. An organization which I still feel is one of the best around in terms of almost any parameter that I can think of, sadly, offered me my skill set assignment I was looking for once I resigned. Although they ended up promoting everyone, they failed to even commit ten percent on my promotions. Considering the fact that I was a near to excellent performer as per my ratings for consecutively two years, nothing swayed my way. I left and landed onto a place where a even bigger pit was awaiting me. I didn’t get what I was promised, neither on the pay terms nor on the work front. Now a day I am working with people having ten years with them and still, they sound, behave and talk like a fresher out of college. It’s back to the old corporate jungle of politics, racism and undervaluation of one’s efforts. I am leaving again.

That I got through one of my dream orgs and how all of it happened is another story. Even if they didn’t pay me a hike, I still feel good about joining them soon. If you ask me why, it’s just not the dream that makes me say so. It also has a lot to do with the culture which I strongly feel and can sense have always remained a big concern of mine. I can’t work for/with fools. I learnt something which I must say applies to all of you who work: Work at a place where majority of the people know better/more than you. The eagerness to learn is infectious. If you have the hunger, which can’t always be self driven for long on a lonely island, you will enjoy the food. The hungrier you are, the tastier the food is.

And now, it seems a perfect opportunity for me to go back onto an unfinished journey which I left midway. After two organizations and two resignations, several interviews and eight months of job hunt, it’s time for me to devote as much as I can, of my time, towards GMAT. My date is booked for 9th August, 2010 and thanks to my love for that. She rightly identified the procrastinator in me and pushed me for it. Hopefully, this would mean an end of an era which was the most disturbing ever for me in my four years of work experience.

I was never a career oriented guy. Today, I feel I have become one. Time makes strange things happen.

It's New

My days are going on pretty well these days except the heat of summer. I am learning to swim and my four day presence hasn’t gone to waste. I am becoming comfortable with water gradually. It feels fine now to exhale inside water and when it’s dark outside, water doesn’t scare me that much. I am confident enough to freely move around the pool with a little support these days. On the flip side, I am playing Dragon Age: origins, which is unarguably the best RPG of 2009. It has been a long time that I felt like completing one I started. You have to play it to see how detailed and near to perfect the work is and what a great work the guys have come up with. Though sometimes I feel bad that I don’t have enough time to play it daily and my work timings are the one to blame. And lastly, I have cleared all my interview rounds with one of the largest banking concerns in the world and I am eagerly waiting for the offer letter to come. I am meeting my love everyday and she is here to stay for another month. Now I can hold her hands and see her smile whenever I want to. One of my best buddies is back to the city and here to stay. Now I can have my nomadic mad night life again on the streets. But apart from all these, I have many a bad things going on too. But since I am just back from swimming and one can always choose, I prefer not going into those lanes as of now. Happiness is so short lived. Let me try to live it as much as I can for those tensions and depressions are never far from me......

The new colors

As said in my last post, the three events which changed everything about my new assignment at the new job, I was brushed aside at a recent interview for my decision to part ways with the new organization in three days. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I have every intention to be more convincing the next time whenever one new opportunity comes my way but I also think that this is the right time to pocket a few certifications which I can get done easily with a few weeks of focus. And that brings me to my present work life which I must admit is really fun yet frustrating. Here are a few colors from my daily work life which my lame humane mind keeps drawing when i am in there.....

Earlier I was with people who were interested in everything but work and today I am in a team where everyone seems to be suffering of poor visibility and lack of eagerness to play games to make things swing. They all do their work, silently and are very helpful when asked for. They radiate coldness and their ways speak only one rule: do your work and get lost.

Earlier, my day used to start at twelve and there was no happy end to it even at ten in the night. Now a days, my day starts at ten and ends by six. People stay when they have work. Staying late and working isn’t common here and neither is it encouraged at all. All the client calls are done with in the morning and the onsite SPOC does a perfect job in getting the things transparent from the client to the offshore. Things are serene and strangely cool. They sometimes make me think: am I behaving a fresher or am I running away from the expectations set. It is tough for me to even dream of leaving at six in the evening and everyday when I do that, for real, calling my love to decide the course that has to follow, I feel more like a housewife and less like a developer. The fun of staying late, the struggle and the pain to make things work, the challenge to beat the challenge, the cold night air through a tired brain, the satisfaction of slog at the end of the day….i miss them so dearly.

Earlier, I was the only one to wear T-shirts and jeans and sport shoes all through the week getting the HR looks all through the year and I didn’t even give the satisfaction to my clients who visited the country of seeing me in a formal. Now a days, I am found in leather shoes, with shirts and trousers, all throughout the week. We have a dress code. Nothing wrong with it but wearing a trouser makes me feel as if I am not wearing anything. I love jeans. Matter of time before i get used to it i guess....

Earlier, I used to play TT a lot. That was the only fun activity or activity i had. My ideal timesheets used to have two hours for that a day. But now, I really don’t know when I would be playing a game next. There is no one around to play with. A few guys do play in the evenings and the way they play, I am already a champion here. My only hope now lies in my quest to find a sports group, internal to the organization. And if it fails, my TT bat would also add on to my reasons for a change.

They say that everything in life happens for a reason which might not be evident as of now but certainly does make sense after a few days. I am trying with my soul and mind to get as to why GOD put me in here. I know time will put some sense into it but I need to get that before I get there to know it.

Note: I am back to regular posts. I wasn't able to post and follow up on blogs since a long time. A Part of my life feels lost......time to get it back.

The way it changed for the worst.

A series of events that now makes some real sense as how it screwed me….

Event One: I get a call from an unknown number and it happens to be my to-be manager at the organization I am about to join. He informs me that my profile has been shared with the client and I am supposed to attend a call with them the next day night and it is supposed to be a technical discussion about my profile and things I have done. He further confirms with me if I will be joining them for sure. I say a big Yes and he enquires about my knowledge on a framework which I hadn’t worked ever on. I tell that frankly and he says that it will be good for me to come on board and learn something new and work on it at a new organization. New things at a new place always are good and interesting. That is all he says, the call happens the next day and the client makes transparent the fact that they expect a 140-200% of me for the project deliverables. I start looking forward to a challenging technical role with loads of work to do. I feel excited.

Event two: Without any formal induction I land up on the project after the paper formalities with the HR and the next day a lady starts the KT (Knowledge Transfer) for the new product I am supposed to work on. I wait and wait and listen all through the sixty minutes to get the point that there is no technology involved. It is all about a tool which needs to be configured as per the client requirements. No Java/J2EE or frameworks and not even a single module. All it is about is business rules and domain knowledge. I hit a wall. I fall flat and it hurts a lot. I was expecting technology and it is all about business. If I stay on, I need to have to take a second look at my profile for an MBA or, sit there and do the work which is of no interest to me. A little above three years in IT doesn’t feel good about only business and no technology.

Event Three: After interacting with others in the team and a few people who are in the organization for more than three years I gain a few insights like the whole of my business unit doesn’t have any technical modules and also earned the surprise of a few of them when they heard that they actually conducted a technical round for selection on such a project and that there was a guy from some other project who was moved here and he left to god-knows-where after his KT was over and that a three year old in this project, as his module is going to be over, is asking for a release for the last two months and the manager says that he needs him to build the team. I now feel cheated. I was promised by the recruitment HR and the manager of a very pure technical role. I was not even called for a five minutes explanation as to what might have gone wrong regarding that. I am back to job search and it is two days before when I joined this organization and I am supposed to explain all these to wherever I go.

I don’t have any aversion towards learning business but I feel that I need to get dirtier with technology before I start considering the business and the way it moves. I still need another two years to serve the technology to have satisfied my thirst for it. I will stick to that inner voice. Someday, someone out there will listen to this voice of mine and consider me worthy of employment. Hope it happens soon…..and that is all about my last four days.

My Exit and the Questions

Last Friday was my last working day at my organization. Whatever I had faced in the last six months, I didn’t have any thought regarding blurting it out to the HR during the exit interview. It never helps. Very little or close to practically nothing happens and it is just a formality. But when I went in there, I don’t know why and how, I felt like telling her every bit of all that, upon being asked “What do you feel can help us do better?” I love giving advice and I advised her….

1. When I was chosen miraculously ( I put it that way because a reason was never provided) and put into a different technology and project and business unit, the day I was supposed to start with my sessions for the new team, we had an IJP (Internal Job Posting) as per my eligibility. My manager was fine if I apply but my executive manager said “Give your manager six months time and don’t apply for any that come.” The day I resigned, my manager and my executive manager, the same persons offered me different projects and asked me to apply for IJP’s that are floating around. My Question: Why does a resource have to resign to get the freedom to change his project and apply for an IJP? Is it a requirement that if I don’t resign, I don’t get anything here in this place or is it that I don’t choose to serve the organization by doing that? Why everything comes when you are done mentally and officially?
2. When a resource resigns, meetings happen with the senior management. If the resource has already decided, no one can stop him to quit and the exit process starts. When a resource applies for an IJP and clears the interview and the new manager is ready to take him, the present one may scarp the whole thing saying that he is critical to the project and the team needs him and on doing that, his application for the IJP gets cancelled. Why so? How is the decision to quit and work for another employer different than the decision to work for another project and product? If the former has freedom of choice and decision, why do the latter suffer from bureaucracy and managerial dependencies? Isn’t the whole process wrong?
3. Being a three year old guy in the industry, can I really talk someone to resign? “No” comes her answer. My Question: My manager met me on the stairs and told me “You are leader of the people moving out”. Now was I supposed to take it in a humorous tone? And if not, what should I have done or what should I do? A ten year guy behaves in such an unprofessional manner and he is a manager and we are supposed to report him and I am supposed to grow under his guidance and someone out there thought all this is possible and got him in. And I am asked “What can we do to make things better?”
4. My manager told one of my colleagues “You know how the market is outside now-a-days. So you have to come to office on Saturday”. My Question: Why do I need to think of the markets outside and what is implied when someone is told like that? The market isn’t good and so I should work on weekends. I shouldn’t work for passion or for the product or for the challenge. If that is how it is, and that is how it works, then now the markets are up and it doesn’t surprise me at all when I hear that 225 people resigned in the last three weeks. I am happy for all of them. I think I know what they faced.
5. There is too much security amongst the people. Firing never happened. Poor performers were never caught and questioned. People working here feel the years they carry with themselves here is all that is required to rise and gain. People who are the technical leads never care to prove their creditability to that position. If termination isn’t a way, why can’t demotions work out? People who fail to prove themselves as what they are should be demoted irrespective of the number of years they have stayed in the organization. And to the point, here is a joke which I used to say a lot to my friends over at the work place…..”If my lead is able to code a HTML page with a single drop down with his name as the only value in it without an internet connection and books using a notepad in twenty minutes, I would take back my resignation” and we all knew that I was correct. I can understand the position of a manager not having worked on the system directly for years and now messed up with all implementations and processes and new initiatives, but a team lead, with five plus years of experience has to deliver and prove himself if he thinks he is any good for guiding or leading the team. The initiatives and efforts of higher management never boil down to the ground employee level because it is these people at the middle who mess it up. All they have is the years behind them. You question that and it crumbles.
6. If a person is a newcomer to the organization, and has come from some different or small background or organization it isn’t an issue. But having stayed here for more than a year should have made some changes in him. Sadly, it isn’t the case. The workplace now is full of people who are egoists, selfish, jealous and aim to be one man army to get the goodies. It is difficult to put up with these people. If they don’t stand corrected or don’t bend their ways, others have to. It is a failure to have such type of people on board for more than a year.

All these didn’t exactly push me to resign. I needed a promotion and a senior role with some extra bucks and that still remains my main motive behind my decision to quit but when you have them also with you, they certainly make things look worse and you end up looking for a change more badly and aggressively.

I am done deciding....

I am not going for the brand. Being the largest IT Company in the world and ranking within the top 10 fortune 500, currently facing a brain-drain, they promise 7% year-2-year hike for the unidentified geniuses of the world. I am certainly not one. So I get a meager 3% considering I dream of myself as a good plus. A year of efforts would keep me hoping and expecting for more. And I have hopes riding on me and I have huge liabilities to cater to. I would have loved to join you Mr. Brand, but my life has many a chains attached. If I work, I am not doing that only for myself. I have my people with me and if I don’t see their expectations fulfilled, I can’t be happy. But I thank you for giving me the opportunity to dream about us for some days. :)

I choose bucks. Though the difference isn’t huge, still I can see it increase after a year of efforts. My work has better chances of being recognized and I get to cross my magic figure on my pay slips. My list of liabilities shrinks. I can see tomorrow. It is not a fortune 500 but one working for them, still the only one which placed me closer to my expectations when I started my search for a job.
Unless HE has different plans for me, I would stick to what I have decided. The dilemma is over. The choice has been made. And from here I move into the last working week with my present organization. An association of two years will end. It has been my longest with any of them. The last one fell short by five months and I hope, the next one scores at the least, five more.

Out onto the lanes which matter more, my love arrives today and her stay of four months in the city kick starts. It would be lame if I say I am happy. I feel alive seems befitting. I have plans to go and watch “Valentine’s day” today and celebrate it tomorrow with her. The V-day also has a movie called “My Name Is Khan” for us which I am waiting to watch since last year. It is two in the morning……I better go and grab some sleep to wake up into a world with her in it minus the distance…….

SIMS3

It is about to be two in the morning and am pretty late for a post. If you ask me what had kept me busy since I came back from work, it was SIMS3. I guess you all must have heard about it. I tried playing it once and gave up in five days. You ask me why I am at it again and I say that I am just giving it another try as it is an altogether different version in itself. The concept remains the same though. Being a Gemini and sticking to a game long enough to complete it isn’t easy. It is very tough and the game has to a real gem. It has happened earlier. Just that I am stuck up at a stage in half Life 2 and I tried many a times without success. It is an old strategy for me which I always try whenever I get stuck up at some level. I switch to another game or try something different and return back and almost always, I get past the level. The same has happened many a times and quite recently with Call of Duty – The world at war. So that is all about my recent involvements with SIMS3.

And when I my sweet lappy was busy installing the game, I found out some videos of the game and guess what…..a guy has put up some videos about how to play it and he comes up with a plan to kill his boss at work and finally when he is done with it, he starts dating his wife and plans to get married to her. It is what he says as his style of getting revenge. I feel that all the managers and bosses of the world should be sent these videos to show them how badly the world has started hating them. It felt sad, eye opening, informative about the game-play and yet, surprising. I never thought I was in for a murder and revenge. It was funny too…..I admit I couldn’t help laughing at the guy. I am aware that such things happen in such simulative games but marriage after a murder…that is a bit far…….I wonder about his age and what he has that makes him play this game with such a plan….

I tried calling and messaging the HR and neither of it worked. Is he really that busy? I now feel like asking any HR I happen to see to help him out with some work which I might be capable enough to do for him. I feel connected to those who, just like me, might be waiting for their turns…..that’s what happens when a resource deals with humans and not the other way around.

A Shopper's woes

Yesterday, being a Friday and being at work with no work, I played table tennis for six hours. Don’t ask me how I reached my home back. When I went to sleep, I felt as if my legs were under some baggage and I was performing some physical task at some reality show. And the night was just not the end of it. In the morning, when I got up, it didn’t feel that I had slept. I lay like a log till one in the afternoon. And finally, the wanted normalcy followed.

I went for shopping today. It seems like a girlish thing to mention and I don’t know why but shopping over time has become a female trait and you can blame the movies partly for that. But that is what I did today. My problem: When I am there, I am in no control. I am materialistic and I love getting things. I can do happily for even a year not even buying anything but I may end up getting more than I would have needed by bounds once I am there. That is one of the reasons I always try not to accompany others at shopping. Today was different. The still lingering doubt and confusion about my job offers kept me pretty busy not to focus much on surrounding attractions. And that reminds me that one of my friends who called me when I was about to start, had quite a reasoning for not joining a brand and going for money. The more the people you ask, the more are the opinions and the more is the confusion. Enough…let me stop myself right here regarding this.

My next post would be my 100th one. I can’t deny that I am excited. I had asked about opinions and ideas as to what and how I can make the post special. I ask again. Please do share your thoughts. It would save a little part of me and I would be able to put in more to think and decide about my offers which are presently ruling my nights. LOL

Still a bit Lost...

While I was waiting for the HR to call me so that I can have a second round of discussion regarding the offer he has, I got a soft copy o the offer letter in my mail box. What did he communicate back or where was he when I asked him to call me up the next morning? Is he really dumb or is that he made a statement saying that’s what the final offer would be from his end when he sent the mail? After having talked to my friends and considering the thoughts you all had put in as comments, I decided to go for a brand on condition that the HR doesn’t agree for more bucks. After the mail, it looks like I have to call him up and make myself clearer on my expectations. So, I am not yet done. Hope isn’t there that it would work out but I don’t want to repent later considering that I could have always called. That’s how it remains….will update you all on how it goes……


Yesterday, I was frustrated weighing my career options and trying to have a sneak into future….so I decided to watch a movie. “Up in the Air” is fantastic. No doubt, it has six nominations at the OSCARS. Clooney, as always playing the professional believing in his own theories of living out of a bag pack….and loosing more than he thought was fantastic. Do watch it if you haven’t…..you won’t be disappointed. A few interesting arguments have been presented. The living out of a bag style was interesting but nothing really can win unless it has love with it.

Presently, I am at work with no work but eager eyes around. So I better close this post here……..will update you regarding how things progress.

Enter-preneurship

Hey all…today is one of those days when I am lost. There are things which I want to do apart from being a programmer/developer. And one of them is entrepreneurship. Few months back I was totally into setting up something. I booked my domain, got the things searched and ways found, discussed with many friends and also did some extra steps as to how to recruit people in and was done designing and naming my application. Funds held me back. I gave up.

But as days pass there is this thought which keeps on coming back. It is a recurring process and it holds questions within it that is hard for me to answer. What about doing things which I wanted to, what about creating something, what about catering to the needs, what about creating some employment while putting some extra block into the system, what with my education, what about the fear to fail…I really don’t know. Presently, I think, since I have got a job and spending my notice period at my previous organization and have a bit of time, these are coming and paying me a visit. Presently, the right thing for me is to hold myself tightly and let these be there in my mind and check myself on them. If they really stay there for a good amount of time and when I can really answer myself saying that I really want to do it, I will do it. I don’t know how and when but I feel, things work out your way when you badly want them. By the way did any of you read “Awakening the Entrepreneur Within” by Michael E. Gerber? It is an awesome inspirational book for people interested in the field. Nez…for me it is wide awake..but that is presently all about it….LOL