Never Ever Ever Give Up ? ? ?

Presently, if I were to replicate my situation, I would choose a dog in a boat amidst the ocean. The only way for it to survive is to hold on to itself till the boat reaches some friendly shore with time. My intellect can’t think of anything which might draw a better analogy to my life at this juncture. A curios mind may ask "WHY". It goes as this...

My love is depressed and frustrated and is badly in need for a job. And with her, I share the same concerns. The problem is that she is having a tough time for a gap she has in her career which was due to me. And that makes things as complicated as watching the movie “Inception” without the sound or the subtitles. She is down and so am I. And to make things worse, we are in a distance relationship. All your care and concerns and love are supposed to follow the protocol “cell phones”. It feels like a pain in the (whatever...take your pick), the place where it hurts the most.

I have my parents as my dependents and as I struggle harder to make things better in every possible way, their complaints and views on life still remains as a never changing weather. Nothing can make them happy. It is becoming increasingly difficult for me to stay at home. My words are often assumed as an offense, my behavior constantly criticized and monitored and my views, all together impractical. It is now like this: I am reduced to stay in my own room in my own house. I seldom go out of my room. My cell phone and Internet connection are the only channels I have for outside communication. I don’t feel like confronting them for whatever.

My job too, being the bitch life is, resonates perfectly with everything else that I have been just scribbling about. I am a 4+ years server side developer doing what a fresher out of college is supposed to do at work and I am hugely under paid considering that I work for one of the best investment banks. I often wonder why i was recruited. And on top of it, I have people in my team who are politically active, culturally racist and professionally moronic in their behavior. There seems to be no way ahead for me to rise here. I am stuck once again. It’s the same quick sand story.

On a personal front, my ambitions to get an MBA are now looking like day dreams. An MBA, the way I want it, needs dedication, motivation and a constant strive to improve on a lot of grounds and to have some substantial leadership experience which is a must needed aspect of my profile. But, being a human that I am, I am unable to muster anything to get me going. A cat not even able to go for the cat race…....

The only solace I now-a-days find is in peeing when I want to and sleeping when I feel tired. Apart from these two I don't identify with any other joy that might exist in this so called world. And I hurts the most when I remember the words...



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The way it changed for the worst.

A series of events that now makes some real sense as how it screwed me….

Event One: I get a call from an unknown number and it happens to be my to-be manager at the organization I am about to join. He informs me that my profile has been shared with the client and I am supposed to attend a call with them the next day night and it is supposed to be a technical discussion about my profile and things I have done. He further confirms with me if I will be joining them for sure. I say a big Yes and he enquires about my knowledge on a framework which I hadn’t worked ever on. I tell that frankly and he says that it will be good for me to come on board and learn something new and work on it at a new organization. New things at a new place always are good and interesting. That is all he says, the call happens the next day and the client makes transparent the fact that they expect a 140-200% of me for the project deliverables. I start looking forward to a challenging technical role with loads of work to do. I feel excited.

Event two: Without any formal induction I land up on the project after the paper formalities with the HR and the next day a lady starts the KT (Knowledge Transfer) for the new product I am supposed to work on. I wait and wait and listen all through the sixty minutes to get the point that there is no technology involved. It is all about a tool which needs to be configured as per the client requirements. No Java/J2EE or frameworks and not even a single module. All it is about is business rules and domain knowledge. I hit a wall. I fall flat and it hurts a lot. I was expecting technology and it is all about business. If I stay on, I need to have to take a second look at my profile for an MBA or, sit there and do the work which is of no interest to me. A little above three years in IT doesn’t feel good about only business and no technology.

Event Three: After interacting with others in the team and a few people who are in the organization for more than three years I gain a few insights like the whole of my business unit doesn’t have any technical modules and also earned the surprise of a few of them when they heard that they actually conducted a technical round for selection on such a project and that there was a guy from some other project who was moved here and he left to god-knows-where after his KT was over and that a three year old in this project, as his module is going to be over, is asking for a release for the last two months and the manager says that he needs him to build the team. I now feel cheated. I was promised by the recruitment HR and the manager of a very pure technical role. I was not even called for a five minutes explanation as to what might have gone wrong regarding that. I am back to job search and it is two days before when I joined this organization and I am supposed to explain all these to wherever I go.

I don’t have any aversion towards learning business but I feel that I need to get dirtier with technology before I start considering the business and the way it moves. I still need another two years to serve the technology to have satisfied my thirst for it. I will stick to that inner voice. Someday, someone out there will listen to this voice of mine and consider me worthy of employment. Hope it happens soon…..and that is all about my last four days.

It Happened....and WOW...am LOST again.

Presently, I feel tensed. As I was heading home, the HR finally called me….yes the call that I was waiting for and the same call which I vowed against yesterday. He called at half past nine late in the night….a time when I would have expected him to call the least. Whatever he offered me isn’t what I had asked for. It is pretty less than my expectations but yes, it is a bit more than what I already have. Clearly, the choice now, considering the three offers I have, stands between brand value and remuneration. But, speaking logically, remuneration also isn’t there. It’s not that big a chunk for which you would happily sacrifice working for a brand name. And I never got a chance to do that. On the other side, my liabilities are high and I am in need of more bucks. So, as you all can see, I am confused. I am unable to decide the best one for me. And I have to stick with one because he would call me back by ten in the morning. I called up many. While majority stick to working with a giant, a minority feels that growth would be more if I choose otherwise. Ah….I complain when I don’t have any options and I complain when I have options…what is wrong with me…. I need a good sleep…a lot is going on with me….the sooner I hand it over to the subconscious, the better.

Lastly, before I sign off for today, big THANKS to all of you. You all wished me luck and I got it finally. Life certainly takes a turn when one has people like you all on their side… :)

The story behind Monday

I may grab the hike I was looking for. I cleared the rounds and quoted according to my expectations. HR said that they would confirm the pay on Monday and that’s what matters to me because I already have two offers with me. So dear awesome bloggers, all of you who wished me luck yesterday, a big THANKS to you all.........i am waiting for the Monday call…….so for the last time, wish me some more luck………. :P (Wishing me luck isn’t easy…….i am always short of it….)

That ate up my whole day. I finally reached home in the evening, starving and coping with a headache. But I kind of made up for the calories I lost during those hours of stress…..had Pizza and Salad for my dinner. :) (Calories deserve respect and a careful execution)

Anticipation is now killing me…gosh…I am fed up with myself……first the expectation of an interview call….second, the tension and predictions and fear about what to read and what I would be asked and how things would go….third, the day when you sit like a puppet at the hands of luck and wish that even a second of judgment doesn’t go wrong for you……..fourth, when you clear it, wish and pray for getting what you expect……..fifth and this one is the biggest one: wait for it to happen……..duh !!! Sucks all the way……………………