BLues...

Have you ever written a post and then deleted it? I just did that. I am so tiered that I don’t even want to put in what’s on with me at my work here in my posts. I barely have eight hours for me with the bed time inclusive. My GMAT preparations have stopped, couldn’t talk to her for three days, hardly getting six hours of sleep, no entertainment and fun, just work and deliverables. That’s what IT is about. Badly in need of some divine interruptions……..

What's on...

Today started for me at the clock hitting the morning one. My friends love of life was coming for a one and half day stay at the city on the occasion of Diwali. Crowded as it always is, Indian railways sadly has a single portal for online reservations and that too suffers horribly from common issues like server load and poor GUI. It becomes more ironical with this nation being one of the majors in IT. Nez..back onto the thing he preferred a hired cab and we set out. I don’t remember after how many a days I got to get that air on my face. Nights truly rock. They always do. Everything seems so beautiful and serene in the dark. The silence has a meaning. Gone are the days when an hour bike trip around the city was a habit. He was happy as it was love and I was happy as it was a part of my past. I enjoyed the trip to and back. It was refreshing.

Today I did nothing. It was a typical me. Some days in my life are like that when I prefer doing absolutely nothing. It gives me the fuel to propel myself better. I always need that. And tomorrow is again a Monday. A lot has been happening at my work. The pressure is immense. And I realize that I have to get it done for my profile. A nice thing which happened to me during the last week was that I somehow managed to contact a person who got admitted into ISB this year. He was kind enough to allow me to question and I got quite a help from him. I think I am justified in my decision of not applying this year. I need time to prepare and so does my profile. Let time answer the rest.

My preparations aren’t going well. I have bunked the last three days of time which I should have taken to my advantage. But I guess, at midnight with a Monday on the face it won’t be correct lamenting over it. And tomorrow shall also mark the start of my planned exercise regime. Till now, it is there and all is perfect. Let’s see if it remains the same.

Happy DIWALI to ALL...

It’s Diwali today, one of my favorites. Since childhood, I always used to hold on to diwali and holi, one being the festival of light and the other of colors. Whatever might be the mythological significance, I never cared anything else than the fun it holds. I grew up in an industrial town where you can have people from all the states and cultures without any being a particular majority. The benefits were clear. You get a holiday for the festivities of any culture and you get to enjoy a lot. At that age, diwali was all about crackers and the sound. First it was the shopping of crackers. I used to go with my father and my target always was to get as much as I could. Thanks to him, that I was never stopped. What would follow next would be a period of two-three days when with great care I would spread them out in the sun. And then on the day, in the evening I would be there at it. My Motto: Greater the sound, greater the satisfaction. An additional pleasure for me was the scent of the smoke. Even today, I love it. By ten it would be time for us and others to go and visit people at their houses to have sweets and other preparations. That was how it used to be for about the first twenty years of my life.

This is my fourth consecutive diwali at Hyderabad. It has always been my friends. I still feel excited about crackers and that sound. People say it’s a waste of money. Some say that it adds on to the air pollution and even expect a greener diwali. And some consider it insensitive when some natural disaster has struck some part of the nation i.e. the recent floods in Andhra Pradesh, the state am presently in. I have a few answers for all of these. Firstly for the money-concerned, anything that fills my heart with joy and excites me and comes once a year truly deserves my money. What would I need the money for if I am unable to buy me something that rare? Secondly, for the go-greenies, whole year is wasted torturing the nature. Two days back I saw someone burning some tree logs they have cut out and I couldn’t find anyone having any issues. And these same people would die without an A.C at the office floors and cafeteria or without the lift or their vehicles which is old enough to be show cased. If all that gets an excuse why create a fuss over a day which comes once? Is it that damaging? I don’t think so. And even if someone says the start has to be made, I am not going to be that one. I truly love that smell of the smoke and that noise pollution. Mother nature has to excuse me that single day. And thirdly for the compassionate one’s, I don’t need a festivity to identify with the grief of someone. I don’t see any benefit sitting at home trying to support the cause. Why not donate a few bucks from every door to make a difference? I know that can’t be done. It’s sad that no one sees the power of even ten bucks a door in a country like mine where population is huge. Sorry, but sitting at home silently ain’t my way of recognizing with the grief of others.

I captured two videos trying to save the blast of the festival and and uploaded for the first time onto the YouTube and below they go. They aren’t awesome but since I have them all by me, thought of uploading them here. Happy Diwali to you all!!!

Was Alive (26.09.2009 - 5.10.2009)

It has been a long time. And while I am back, I am here now with many changes in my life and many a things which aren’t quite normal to my usual days. The reason is something I would never hide but I really feel that I should list the changes first.

First of all, for the last nine days or more I smoked not more than two a day. That is a record for people who know me. I am a chain smoker and I always find reasons to smoke or reasons find me. Whenever I have tried to quit, things happen for bad or so it seems with an intensity tough for me to handle. Smoking is like that. You start it for one or no reasons. And then you find every reason a reason to smoke. Anyways, I do consider it as a big change and what makes it here in this list is that it is going to be like that.

Secondly, my GMAT preparation and studies has taken a back seat. I didn’t read anything. And the thought of the marathon exam didn’t occur to me. It was as if it was never there. While people do consider such a break to be harmful to the preparation and pace, I could do little to help it. For me it was good. You ask why? Well, I escaped those tensions and stress and the pressure to read and monitor my speed and performance and calculate analytically where I was lagging and where I am now and which sector of the subject at hand I am weak at and how I fare under time constraints etc. It feels hell and it takes time to figure out the hell. I was free from all of it. Now the question is why it makes it to this list when it is certainly not going to be that way when I had already decided that I will be writing it. It’s the fact that I never figured out that there can be a reason which can make me forget it. The step that is supposed to be my last race suddenly fades away and I don’t see it. I never knew that could happen.

I didn’t miss any of my friends. I had no need of any soul. That is unlikely for me. I have some people in my life that I hold very dear to me and always miss them every single day as they suddenly by some unseen force have been moved to places in the last few months. And not always is it that they need me too. I have always been the most emotional of the lot. There is something in me that keep me from making new strings and getting along with people around me is now very tough. Additionally, I don’t see any sense in being with them. I prefer being a loner. Considering these, in the last few days I never gave them a thought. Might be considered as a selfish act but I am not aware of how I stopped missing them. And with time, I have decided to be that way. It’s peaceful and inwards. No sense in trying to hold on to past times and relive them every day. I mind my ways with none but me. I feel that it’s time to let it go.

I had the kind of life that I always wanted. I had fun. I was happy. I was at ease with myself. I smiled since when I know not. I lived. I felt alive. I didn’t have any care in the world. I needed no one. I had all I needed. There was no space and time for anything. It was not void. This is what is going to be my ultimate choice and way of life. I shall strive and fight for it. I had it but in bits. I need it to be right here.

And to add on I had many a worldly happenings which were kind of new to me for their duration or the way they happened. They had never happened like that ever before. Instances of them are many and to cite a few would be going to movies without roommates, food flavored differently and fresh with something I know not what, mornings the way they had never been, a new meaning to a home, happiness and love in a way that you can feel and see, care in everything you get, moments when you close your eyes and want to see etc.

The cause of all these life changing experiences for me has been the fact that she was here with me for the last ten days. Somehow, things worked in our favor and we got our space. Things unplanned always work out the best. And that is what it was. A simple plan that she will be here is what it was. Nothing else was thought of. It was intentional. I had a preferred reluctance to do it that way. And it worked. Things feel into place and we had this amazing awesome lovely unearthly lovely cozy beautiful togetherness of ours. Love was all of it.





There she is, right inside it, leaving for her place. And here I stand trying to capture the take off of my haven and wonder if it could have been anything else. Nothing…………..