Was Alive (26.09.2009 - 5.10.2009)

It has been a long time. And while I am back, I am here now with many changes in my life and many a things which aren’t quite normal to my usual days. The reason is something I would never hide but I really feel that I should list the changes first.

First of all, for the last nine days or more I smoked not more than two a day. That is a record for people who know me. I am a chain smoker and I always find reasons to smoke or reasons find me. Whenever I have tried to quit, things happen for bad or so it seems with an intensity tough for me to handle. Smoking is like that. You start it for one or no reasons. And then you find every reason a reason to smoke. Anyways, I do consider it as a big change and what makes it here in this list is that it is going to be like that.

Secondly, my GMAT preparation and studies has taken a back seat. I didn’t read anything. And the thought of the marathon exam didn’t occur to me. It was as if it was never there. While people do consider such a break to be harmful to the preparation and pace, I could do little to help it. For me it was good. You ask why? Well, I escaped those tensions and stress and the pressure to read and monitor my speed and performance and calculate analytically where I was lagging and where I am now and which sector of the subject at hand I am weak at and how I fare under time constraints etc. It feels hell and it takes time to figure out the hell. I was free from all of it. Now the question is why it makes it to this list when it is certainly not going to be that way when I had already decided that I will be writing it. It’s the fact that I never figured out that there can be a reason which can make me forget it. The step that is supposed to be my last race suddenly fades away and I don’t see it. I never knew that could happen.

I didn’t miss any of my friends. I had no need of any soul. That is unlikely for me. I have some people in my life that I hold very dear to me and always miss them every single day as they suddenly by some unseen force have been moved to places in the last few months. And not always is it that they need me too. I have always been the most emotional of the lot. There is something in me that keep me from making new strings and getting along with people around me is now very tough. Additionally, I don’t see any sense in being with them. I prefer being a loner. Considering these, in the last few days I never gave them a thought. Might be considered as a selfish act but I am not aware of how I stopped missing them. And with time, I have decided to be that way. It’s peaceful and inwards. No sense in trying to hold on to past times and relive them every day. I mind my ways with none but me. I feel that it’s time to let it go.

I had the kind of life that I always wanted. I had fun. I was happy. I was at ease with myself. I smiled since when I know not. I lived. I felt alive. I didn’t have any care in the world. I needed no one. I had all I needed. There was no space and time for anything. It was not void. This is what is going to be my ultimate choice and way of life. I shall strive and fight for it. I had it but in bits. I need it to be right here.

And to add on I had many a worldly happenings which were kind of new to me for their duration or the way they happened. They had never happened like that ever before. Instances of them are many and to cite a few would be going to movies without roommates, food flavored differently and fresh with something I know not what, mornings the way they had never been, a new meaning to a home, happiness and love in a way that you can feel and see, care in everything you get, moments when you close your eyes and want to see etc.

The cause of all these life changing experiences for me has been the fact that she was here with me for the last ten days. Somehow, things worked in our favor and we got our space. Things unplanned always work out the best. And that is what it was. A simple plan that she will be here is what it was. Nothing else was thought of. It was intentional. I had a preferred reluctance to do it that way. And it worked. Things feel into place and we had this amazing awesome lovely unearthly lovely cozy beautiful togetherness of ours. Love was all of it.





There she is, right inside it, leaving for her place. And here I stand trying to capture the take off of my haven and wonder if it could have been anything else. Nothing…………..