Hey all…on a different tone…am very very happy. She is in town and the next eight/ten days are going to be just US. And I am on leave pretending that am going home. The next week is all ours. I can talk as much as I want and have awesome time with her around and do a round to all the places I have always wanted to and the list never ends as it is going to be practical representation of what I have felt, missed and dreamt of while being around the city in the last three years. They say long distance thing never works. No idea if it works or not but yep, its disgusting. The emotion of love does it all. It wasn’t us I guess. It was the emotion and things between us and the way we are.
I took a break from my GMAT study today. I felt I deserved it. I always get my own good reasons for not doing things. The anticipation of her being with me from tomorrow is much much more fun than whatever. Life is such a bitch that no one dies a virgin. Someone rightly said that. But there are things which one never gets to see when deep down under and I am not an exception. All of you know how a sadist I am and see me here. I feel so full and complete now. Wish time stays and flows, with love.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
A mistake
My recent life at work is shared by one of my colleagues who happen to had faced a similar situation: moved from the technology of his love onto this 4th gen language for RIA’s (rich internet applications) on the excuse that he too is a quick learner and a fungible resource. And so it happens every day that we play together on the frustration as is always true that misery needs company. But his worries apart from career have a different inclination. He is concerned about his age nearing thirty and marriage. Though I am two years younger, still it makes me wonder if that would be the case when I reach there. He was upset today as his online profile on a matrimony site (through which, to my surprise, he has applied for viewing more than a hundred profiles yesterday) has been disabled as his landline number couldn’t be verified by the site owners, a step which he took to make his profile completeness a complete 100 from 98. And you can also see him wonder during his evening breaks at tea and snacks as to who he should call and communicate his feelings and find his likings and a match for a partner so that he can update his parents about the same. He surprises me. And I have known many a people of the same league who are dying to marry. I can never understand the concept why people feel like marrying or how can a marriage be a solution to souls who are single. Is it a hormonal surge or just a longing to belong? And it seems I can never find an answer. Logic which I faced from many such beings are that an early marriage can settle down things and you get more time to focus and plan your life but is that what I need to have focus and a plan? I am committed to a lady for the last six years and more and marriage is something which is last on our list. There are so many things to be done. Of course, I am screwed in this three years of long distance thing and I feel strongly that back at home I deserve none than her and nothing matches up to a life with her but that doesn’t mean that I go crazy about marriage and forget what I am at and rub down the things which bear importance and effect. And what about my after-marriage life and the questions that awaits me on the other shore. I feel either I am dead right or I am dead wrong.
I did one big mistake. At work, I found myself in an issue which needs R&D on some new libraries and it might be that I was bored, I jumped in and after the client call I found myself staring at a herculean task which needs to be done in the next two days. I had decided not to undertake any major responsibilities at work as my brain needs some rest and peace after having study for fun till three in the night. And I lost it. I don’t know why I did that. I should have stopped myself or showed little zeal in there. I know that even if I get that done, I won’t be getting anything good. It only puts extra pressure on my GMAT preparation. But the damage is done. Hope, I stick to what I decide.
It’s three in the morning. Here, the day ends for me. Another one awaits me with loads of work. It’s sad that these ten minutes which I spent writing this post was all I got for myself today when I felt I am free, happy and alive.
I did one big mistake. At work, I found myself in an issue which needs R&D on some new libraries and it might be that I was bored, I jumped in and after the client call I found myself staring at a herculean task which needs to be done in the next two days. I had decided not to undertake any major responsibilities at work as my brain needs some rest and peace after having study for fun till three in the night. And I lost it. I don’t know why I did that. I should have stopped myself or showed little zeal in there. I know that even if I get that done, I won’t be getting anything good. It only puts extra pressure on my GMAT preparation. But the damage is done. Hope, I stick to what I decide.
It’s three in the morning. Here, the day ends for me. Another one awaits me with loads of work. It’s sad that these ten minutes which I spent writing this post was all I got for myself today when I felt I am free, happy and alive.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Life & a holiday
It has been more than a week since I talked properly to her. Exams in all form are unaccepted and utterly cruel. And here it has left me quite alone. I have so many a things which I need to discuss and talk about. Without her I can never find a suitable audience. She is a great listener and understands me the best. It’s another story that once this is over, she will be here with me for around a week. Due to some prescient talent which I happened to have acquired through my failures and luck, I prefer not thinking of all that now before it actually starts to happen.
It was a holiday for me and I got up in the afternoon. Now a day I sleep at three or after by choice as that’s the only time I think I can do some quality reading. Why I am blogging now then is something I hope the readers won’t ponder over. Nez..i got up and ordered a my lunch and with a full belly gave myself an excuse to sleep and have some rest and so I did. I got up into a beautiful evening with clouds nearing and soothing breeze making it all perfect to go out and enjoy. There I was, all lost just as I woke up. With no soul around for me, the prospect of it was irritating. It makes me feel that the sooner I get done with my present life and its inhabitants, the better it is. I need a big change in my life. And that change should be about all that my life is presently except my love. She is the only perfection I have in this life of mine. My life needs a different soil. I am rusted to the deepest core. I want a change of career, of people around, of my never-ending lingering, my moments of realization about how bad it is now and how good it was, of people whom I reach out to because they played some part in my past, of this hope that tomorrow will be the day. And as I journey through them, I can feel that I am unable to focus and give my GMAT preparations my best punch.
I tried changing my blogger background and just when I was almost at the verge of screwing up the whole I stopped and thankfully was able to restore it back to what it is. Wonder how all you wonderful bloggers did it with such finesse. A time has come when I really want to be in shape. Earlier things were a little different. It was my love or my friends or some of my so-disgusting colleagues who used to point it to me but I never felt the need. Now, I want it. Not that I am suddenly a fitness freak but one eye of mine complains that am becoming obese and the peak is near from where there can be no easy return. Better now. Hope I can pull in the required into this void existence of mine. And for this post, am all done except one thing which sadly I can only write about: I want to scream at the top of my voice in this silence of the night………..
It was a holiday for me and I got up in the afternoon. Now a day I sleep at three or after by choice as that’s the only time I think I can do some quality reading. Why I am blogging now then is something I hope the readers won’t ponder over. Nez..i got up and ordered a my lunch and with a full belly gave myself an excuse to sleep and have some rest and so I did. I got up into a beautiful evening with clouds nearing and soothing breeze making it all perfect to go out and enjoy. There I was, all lost just as I woke up. With no soul around for me, the prospect of it was irritating. It makes me feel that the sooner I get done with my present life and its inhabitants, the better it is. I need a big change in my life. And that change should be about all that my life is presently except my love. She is the only perfection I have in this life of mine. My life needs a different soil. I am rusted to the deepest core. I want a change of career, of people around, of my never-ending lingering, my moments of realization about how bad it is now and how good it was, of people whom I reach out to because they played some part in my past, of this hope that tomorrow will be the day. And as I journey through them, I can feel that I am unable to focus and give my GMAT preparations my best punch.
I tried changing my blogger background and just when I was almost at the verge of screwing up the whole I stopped and thankfully was able to restore it back to what it is. Wonder how all you wonderful bloggers did it with such finesse. A time has come when I really want to be in shape. Earlier things were a little different. It was my love or my friends or some of my so-disgusting colleagues who used to point it to me but I never felt the need. Now, I want it. Not that I am suddenly a fitness freak but one eye of mine complains that am becoming obese and the peak is near from where there can be no easy return. Better now. Hope I can pull in the required into this void existence of mine. And for this post, am all done except one thing which sadly I can only write about: I want to scream at the top of my voice in this silence of the night………..
Monday, September 21, 2009
Pointless Pointers
With nothing that I can be better at presently, pardon me for my pointless humane " don't want " pointers.
I don’t want to breathe just because I am alive.
I don’t want to work without passion.
I don’t want to compromise the way I have seen my people do.
I don’t want to repent for any that I have done till I die.
I don’t want to lose again when am playing the last game of my life.
I don’t want to cry without her.
I don’t want to be alone for my individuality, straightforwardness and emotions.
I don’t want to have faith that someday it will be all good and no bad.
I don’t want to remain a wannabe forever.
I don’t want to be hated for being what I am.
I don’t want to have dreams when there are many which are yet to be true.
I don’t want to pray and repeat all that of a life which HE himself has engineered for me.
I don’t want to see death the way I have seen it once.
I don’t want to lose her ever for whatever.
I don’t want to wait forever for the night to go.
I don’t want to see the dawn alone.
I don’t want to have a brain when I have a heart to feel.
I don’t want to end up being termed a masochist.
I don’t want to breathe just because I am alive.
I don’t want to work without passion.
I don’t want to compromise the way I have seen my people do.
I don’t want to repent for any that I have done till I die.
I don’t want to lose again when am playing the last game of my life.
I don’t want to cry without her.
I don’t want to be alone for my individuality, straightforwardness and emotions.
I don’t want to have faith that someday it will be all good and no bad.
I don’t want to remain a wannabe forever.
I don’t want to be hated for being what I am.
I don’t want to have dreams when there are many which are yet to be true.
I don’t want to pray and repeat all that of a life which HE himself has engineered for me.
I don’t want to see death the way I have seen it once.
I don’t want to lose her ever for whatever.
I don’t want to wait forever for the night to go.
I don’t want to see the dawn alone.
I don’t want to have a brain when I have a heart to feel.
I don’t want to end up being termed a masochist.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Linguistics
My nights are now spent reading grammar rules and nuances and what not. I can very well remember my childhood days. Grammar was always a hard part for me because of the amount you need to remember but somehow I used to fare good to mine and my parent’s surprise. Sadly, someone at the GMAC has decided and planned long back against that luck and surprise. I am back reading the basics after finding it tough to deal directly with the application of concepts. It felt silly to realize that I even forgot what an article is. I couldn’t help my embarrassment at such a finding. It is hard to read and focus after ten-eleven hours of work at office. I end up having no time for me. I wish time sails fast and I near the D-day with some confidence and good quality practice.
My life has stopped happening. It’s going normal. It feels to be against nature to me. I find it hard to acknowledge that silence and flow in my days. I have seen so less of them in my years. Either I am nearing something huge or I don’t interest life anymore. On a different note, I have started reading the NY Times recently especially the Opinion section. They say it helps in structure familiarity and coincides in frame to RC passages. And in the process I have lost touch with the local happenings. I wonder what happens to me and my awareness three weeks down the time lane.
I bunked my classes big-time since my engineering days. At job as a developer I read a lot in the last three years on the technology front and now my recent passion for an MBA doesn’t put me on a different page. All of this makes me feel that I should have started bunking classes much earlier and preferably from the pre-college era. No one ever told me that job doesn’t put an end to all these reading phenomena. Well, I take that as a lesson and bet that my children will surely have that enlightenment. And if any not-so-studious under-graduate happens to read this, please make a note: stop reading and have some fun before job takes the better of you or reading becomes a necessity. I had some good years and seriously hope that you get to have more.
My life has stopped happening. It’s going normal. It feels to be against nature to me. I find it hard to acknowledge that silence and flow in my days. I have seen so less of them in my years. Either I am nearing something huge or I don’t interest life anymore. On a different note, I have started reading the NY Times recently especially the Opinion section. They say it helps in structure familiarity and coincides in frame to RC passages. And in the process I have lost touch with the local happenings. I wonder what happens to me and my awareness three weeks down the time lane.
I bunked my classes big-time since my engineering days. At job as a developer I read a lot in the last three years on the technology front and now my recent passion for an MBA doesn’t put me on a different page. All of this makes me feel that I should have started bunking classes much earlier and preferably from the pre-college era. No one ever told me that job doesn’t put an end to all these reading phenomena. Well, I take that as a lesson and bet that my children will surely have that enlightenment. And if any not-so-studious under-graduate happens to read this, please make a note: stop reading and have some fun before job takes the better of you or reading becomes a necessity. I had some good years and seriously hope that you get to have more.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Temporary Musings.
It has been days since I wrote a blog. Life has become hectic. I suddenly realize the importance of my profile and the recommendations I shall need with time. I need two with one coming from my previous manager and the second has to be from my present. I will need solid work related insights in that. That implies more work and responsibility on my part irrespective of the fact of change of my technology. Even though it’s no more JAVA but still, I have to do it. Getting my GMAT scores high won’t suffice for me considering the mediocre profile I have regarding my education. So mornings are all covered with efforts to get up early and read and the rest of the day into the night at office trying to wade off all the negative vibes I get in that moronic team and be productive and innovative. Personal lanes are going great. We are having good times and talks. Suddenly, as if by the magic of Dumbledore, things are smooth. I am in sync with my life at present.
It’s an afternoon and it’s windy and raining. I am thrilled. And I don’t know why. This is one of those feelings which I guess most of you all are aware of. Hardly do I know someone who doesn’t like clouds and the rains. I planned to give myself an hour before I start reading. These are the times when an year back I would have put on some filthy clothes and would have gone out biking. It is eternal to be there under the rains coming directly from somewhere up. Everything around is suddenly so fresh. It kind of ignites a spark of I know not what, inside. I get inspired. I get refreshed. I get charged. It is nurturing. Sadly, I can’t go out now. Gone are the people and the days. Maybe into future, someday will make it happen again.
I am hooked onto twitter these days. Somehow I can access it from my office too. I sent all the people I know an invitation and three happened to join. That’s them. I can’t help it. I don’t have the slightest idea why people don’t even want to try things or even have a look before judging. Technology repels them. Staying connected in a closely knitted network doesn’t resonate with them at all. They say they don’t have the time and some say that keeping up with their mails and portals like orkut/facebook is getting tough. It makes me wonder if I really work or am I really busy or is it just a shit they give me. Wish there were some acceptance of Terms & Conditions to be done with before a friendship strikes the chord.
A few plans are on the cards, one being a long seven day visit from my love over to my place followed by a month’s gap before a group outing with friends at GOA. That’s a place I have planned for earlier and things never worked out. Plans never work. For me it never does happen. I hope planning just a month before is not considered as really planning for it and it doesn’t get cancelled this time too. I somehow managed to convince my parents about not going home now. I need to get done with my syllabi fast. I have three weeks at the maximum if I have to give ISB RC2 applications a shot this year. Seems I will myself cancel the plan again. LOL
It’s an afternoon and it’s windy and raining. I am thrilled. And I don’t know why. This is one of those feelings which I guess most of you all are aware of. Hardly do I know someone who doesn’t like clouds and the rains. I planned to give myself an hour before I start reading. These are the times when an year back I would have put on some filthy clothes and would have gone out biking. It is eternal to be there under the rains coming directly from somewhere up. Everything around is suddenly so fresh. It kind of ignites a spark of I know not what, inside. I get inspired. I get refreshed. I get charged. It is nurturing. Sadly, I can’t go out now. Gone are the people and the days. Maybe into future, someday will make it happen again.
I am hooked onto twitter these days. Somehow I can access it from my office too. I sent all the people I know an invitation and three happened to join. That’s them. I can’t help it. I don’t have the slightest idea why people don’t even want to try things or even have a look before judging. Technology repels them. Staying connected in a closely knitted network doesn’t resonate with them at all. They say they don’t have the time and some say that keeping up with their mails and portals like orkut/facebook is getting tough. It makes me wonder if I really work or am I really busy or is it just a shit they give me. Wish there were some acceptance of Terms & Conditions to be done with before a friendship strikes the chord.
A few plans are on the cards, one being a long seven day visit from my love over to my place followed by a month’s gap before a group outing with friends at GOA. That’s a place I have planned for earlier and things never worked out. Plans never work. For me it never does happen. I hope planning just a month before is not considered as really planning for it and it doesn’t get cancelled this time too. I somehow managed to convince my parents about not going home now. I need to get done with my syllabi fast. I have three weeks at the maximum if I have to give ISB RC2 applications a shot this year. Seems I will myself cancel the plan again. LOL
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Normality
A holiday, it was, today. I wasted the whole day. I was with my laptop playing games and seeing another screening of “The Notebook” for a change. I don’t even remember when it was the last that I watched a movie. GMAT prep and my life had put me on a different track. Problems are still there. Just that now a days I am pretty cool with my personal life and way it is going with my girl. Somehow I guess things have been sorted and taken care of. Or that GOD finally had some mercy for me. But as the masters of GMAT have said, a short break doesn’t hurt. So Mr Tomorrow, u shall have Office/work/GMAT written all over you.
Almost all my friends are now aware of the fact that am going for an MBA and striving hard for GMAT. As I talk to them and answer their queries about how and what it is and what rest needs to be done, there is some voice inside me which says that I will do fine and a voice which voices equally that I won’t stand a chance. It’s such a killer. Not that I am an optimist but that I don’t want to have that doubt inside me. I just want to do it and face and strive harder if not things are as planned. But then they say that a little bit of that voice never hurts. It in fact acts as those doses of repellants that induce a bit of the virus so as to make you more immune towards it. See how confused I am and what an inner struggle I am facing. I always said that career plans and ways are such a pain in the A**…..here I say it again…..happiest are those who never planned a career. Let it just happen. Wish I could have.
Something inside me these days says that I should get myself some cardio and presses. After such a huge gap I feel I am not fine with what I am growing into day by day. The fire has started. I waited for it for such a long time. They all kept on saying that I should start but I never did it whole heartedly. A push can never make things work. The inertia of action stops over time. It has to be from inside. Plans are new this time. That’s what I prefer every time I go for a fresh start. I have decided upon a new training schedule. Time has come to put it into a roll….
Those were some colors presently in my life on my mind inside my heart. I have already stepped into my most favorite day: Friday.
Almost all my friends are now aware of the fact that am going for an MBA and striving hard for GMAT. As I talk to them and answer their queries about how and what it is and what rest needs to be done, there is some voice inside me which says that I will do fine and a voice which voices equally that I won’t stand a chance. It’s such a killer. Not that I am an optimist but that I don’t want to have that doubt inside me. I just want to do it and face and strive harder if not things are as planned. But then they say that a little bit of that voice never hurts. It in fact acts as those doses of repellants that induce a bit of the virus so as to make you more immune towards it. See how confused I am and what an inner struggle I am facing. I always said that career plans and ways are such a pain in the A**…..here I say it again…..happiest are those who never planned a career. Let it just happen. Wish I could have.
Something inside me these days says that I should get myself some cardio and presses. After such a huge gap I feel I am not fine with what I am growing into day by day. The fire has started. I waited for it for such a long time. They all kept on saying that I should start but I never did it whole heartedly. A push can never make things work. The inertia of action stops over time. It has to be from inside. Plans are new this time. That’s what I prefer every time I go for a fresh start. I have decided upon a new training schedule. Time has come to put it into a roll….
Those were some colors presently in my life on my mind inside my heart. I have already stepped into my most favorite day: Friday.
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