You should pity people like me. You should do that because I don’t know what I want from life. No longer is the soil of my human brain moist and eager enough to catch a new imprint and let it in deep so as to make a mark. All of it today is but a wall trying to hold almost everything that touches it without the sense to get its purpose.
I get things and often don’t and in between and after, in the loss and in the gain, I never feel happy. The happiness to slog and achieve gets ruined in the wake of the new desire to get more. The sadness of being unable to lead and have life the way I want to, is much more than needed to subdue the spirit of being alive.
Time is passing by, I am moving in and out with others moving in and out around me and in between all these confused matrixes of movements I hear a voice which can see and it says that I am lost in a thirst which is never ending. I started out seeking more and I shall end seeking more. There is no end to it for I have realized that my thirst can never be quenched.
My pain lies in the knowledge of the very same fact and my incapability to change myself. It is sad yet true that all I want is more….
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
The new colors
As said in my last post, the three events which changed everything about my new assignment at the new job, I was brushed aside at a recent interview for my decision to part ways with the new organization in three days. Needless to say, I wasn’t able to pull it off. I have every intention to be more convincing the next time whenever one new opportunity comes my way but I also think that this is the right time to pocket a few certifications which I can get done easily with a few weeks of focus. And that brings me to my present work life which I must admit is really fun yet frustrating. Here are a few colors from my daily work life which my lame humane mind keeps drawing when i am in there.....
Earlier I was with people who were interested in everything but work and today I am in a team where everyone seems to be suffering of poor visibility and lack of eagerness to play games to make things swing. They all do their work, silently and are very helpful when asked for. They radiate coldness and their ways speak only one rule: do your work and get lost.
Earlier, my day used to start at twelve and there was no happy end to it even at ten in the night. Now a days, my day starts at ten and ends by six. People stay when they have work. Staying late and working isn’t common here and neither is it encouraged at all. All the client calls are done with in the morning and the onsite SPOC does a perfect job in getting the things transparent from the client to the offshore. Things are serene and strangely cool. They sometimes make me think: am I behaving a fresher or am I running away from the expectations set. It is tough for me to even dream of leaving at six in the evening and everyday when I do that, for real, calling my love to decide the course that has to follow, I feel more like a housewife and less like a developer. The fun of staying late, the struggle and the pain to make things work, the challenge to beat the challenge, the cold night air through a tired brain, the satisfaction of slog at the end of the day….i miss them so dearly.
Earlier, I was the only one to wear T-shirts and jeans and sport shoes all through the week getting the HR looks all through the year and I didn’t even give the satisfaction to my clients who visited the country of seeing me in a formal. Now a days, I am found in leather shoes, with shirts and trousers, all throughout the week. We have a dress code. Nothing wrong with it but wearing a trouser makes me feel as if I am not wearing anything. I love jeans. Matter of time before i get used to it i guess....
Earlier, I used to play TT a lot. That was the only fun activity or activity i had. My ideal timesheets used to have two hours for that a day. But now, I really don’t know when I would be playing a game next. There is no one around to play with. A few guys do play in the evenings and the way they play, I am already a champion here. My only hope now lies in my quest to find a sports group, internal to the organization. And if it fails, my TT bat would also add on to my reasons for a change.
They say that everything in life happens for a reason which might not be evident as of now but certainly does make sense after a few days. I am trying with my soul and mind to get as to why GOD put me in here. I know time will put some sense into it but I need to get that before I get there to know it.
Note: I am back to regular posts. I wasn't able to post and follow up on blogs since a long time. A Part of my life feels lost......time to get it back.
Earlier I was with people who were interested in everything but work and today I am in a team where everyone seems to be suffering of poor visibility and lack of eagerness to play games to make things swing. They all do their work, silently and are very helpful when asked for. They radiate coldness and their ways speak only one rule: do your work and get lost.
Earlier, my day used to start at twelve and there was no happy end to it even at ten in the night. Now a days, my day starts at ten and ends by six. People stay when they have work. Staying late and working isn’t common here and neither is it encouraged at all. All the client calls are done with in the morning and the onsite SPOC does a perfect job in getting the things transparent from the client to the offshore. Things are serene and strangely cool. They sometimes make me think: am I behaving a fresher or am I running away from the expectations set. It is tough for me to even dream of leaving at six in the evening and everyday when I do that, for real, calling my love to decide the course that has to follow, I feel more like a housewife and less like a developer. The fun of staying late, the struggle and the pain to make things work, the challenge to beat the challenge, the cold night air through a tired brain, the satisfaction of slog at the end of the day….i miss them so dearly.
Earlier, I was the only one to wear T-shirts and jeans and sport shoes all through the week getting the HR looks all through the year and I didn’t even give the satisfaction to my clients who visited the country of seeing me in a formal. Now a days, I am found in leather shoes, with shirts and trousers, all throughout the week. We have a dress code. Nothing wrong with it but wearing a trouser makes me feel as if I am not wearing anything. I love jeans. Matter of time before i get used to it i guess....
Earlier, I used to play TT a lot. That was the only fun activity or activity i had. My ideal timesheets used to have two hours for that a day. But now, I really don’t know when I would be playing a game next. There is no one around to play with. A few guys do play in the evenings and the way they play, I am already a champion here. My only hope now lies in my quest to find a sports group, internal to the organization. And if it fails, my TT bat would also add on to my reasons for a change.
They say that everything in life happens for a reason which might not be evident as of now but certainly does make sense after a few days. I am trying with my soul and mind to get as to why GOD put me in here. I know time will put some sense into it but I need to get that before I get there to know it.
Note: I am back to regular posts. I wasn't able to post and follow up on blogs since a long time. A Part of my life feels lost......time to get it back.
Saturday, March 6, 2010
The way it changed for the worst.
A series of events that now makes some real sense as how it screwed me….
Event One: I get a call from an unknown number and it happens to be my to-be manager at the organization I am about to join. He informs me that my profile has been shared with the client and I am supposed to attend a call with them the next day night and it is supposed to be a technical discussion about my profile and things I have done. He further confirms with me if I will be joining them for sure. I say a big Yes and he enquires about my knowledge on a framework which I hadn’t worked ever on. I tell that frankly and he says that it will be good for me to come on board and learn something new and work on it at a new organization. New things at a new place always are good and interesting. That is all he says, the call happens the next day and the client makes transparent the fact that they expect a 140-200% of me for the project deliverables. I start looking forward to a challenging technical role with loads of work to do. I feel excited.
Event two: Without any formal induction I land up on the project after the paper formalities with the HR and the next day a lady starts the KT (Knowledge Transfer) for the new product I am supposed to work on. I wait and wait and listen all through the sixty minutes to get the point that there is no technology involved. It is all about a tool which needs to be configured as per the client requirements. No Java/J2EE or frameworks and not even a single module. All it is about is business rules and domain knowledge. I hit a wall. I fall flat and it hurts a lot. I was expecting technology and it is all about business. If I stay on, I need to have to take a second look at my profile for an MBA or, sit there and do the work which is of no interest to me. A little above three years in IT doesn’t feel good about only business and no technology.
Event Three: After interacting with others in the team and a few people who are in the organization for more than three years I gain a few insights like the whole of my business unit doesn’t have any technical modules and also earned the surprise of a few of them when they heard that they actually conducted a technical round for selection on such a project and that there was a guy from some other project who was moved here and he left to god-knows-where after his KT was over and that a three year old in this project, as his module is going to be over, is asking for a release for the last two months and the manager says that he needs him to build the team. I now feel cheated. I was promised by the recruitment HR and the manager of a very pure technical role. I was not even called for a five minutes explanation as to what might have gone wrong regarding that. I am back to job search and it is two days before when I joined this organization and I am supposed to explain all these to wherever I go.
I don’t have any aversion towards learning business but I feel that I need to get dirtier with technology before I start considering the business and the way it moves. I still need another two years to serve the technology to have satisfied my thirst for it. I will stick to that inner voice. Someday, someone out there will listen to this voice of mine and consider me worthy of employment. Hope it happens soon…..and that is all about my last four days.
Event One: I get a call from an unknown number and it happens to be my to-be manager at the organization I am about to join. He informs me that my profile has been shared with the client and I am supposed to attend a call with them the next day night and it is supposed to be a technical discussion about my profile and things I have done. He further confirms with me if I will be joining them for sure. I say a big Yes and he enquires about my knowledge on a framework which I hadn’t worked ever on. I tell that frankly and he says that it will be good for me to come on board and learn something new and work on it at a new organization. New things at a new place always are good and interesting. That is all he says, the call happens the next day and the client makes transparent the fact that they expect a 140-200% of me for the project deliverables. I start looking forward to a challenging technical role with loads of work to do. I feel excited.
Event two: Without any formal induction I land up on the project after the paper formalities with the HR and the next day a lady starts the KT (Knowledge Transfer) for the new product I am supposed to work on. I wait and wait and listen all through the sixty minutes to get the point that there is no technology involved. It is all about a tool which needs to be configured as per the client requirements. No Java/J2EE or frameworks and not even a single module. All it is about is business rules and domain knowledge. I hit a wall. I fall flat and it hurts a lot. I was expecting technology and it is all about business. If I stay on, I need to have to take a second look at my profile for an MBA or, sit there and do the work which is of no interest to me. A little above three years in IT doesn’t feel good about only business and no technology.
Event Three: After interacting with others in the team and a few people who are in the organization for more than three years I gain a few insights like the whole of my business unit doesn’t have any technical modules and also earned the surprise of a few of them when they heard that they actually conducted a technical round for selection on such a project and that there was a guy from some other project who was moved here and he left to god-knows-where after his KT was over and that a three year old in this project, as his module is going to be over, is asking for a release for the last two months and the manager says that he needs him to build the team. I now feel cheated. I was promised by the recruitment HR and the manager of a very pure technical role. I was not even called for a five minutes explanation as to what might have gone wrong regarding that. I am back to job search and it is two days before when I joined this organization and I am supposed to explain all these to wherever I go.
I don’t have any aversion towards learning business but I feel that I need to get dirtier with technology before I start considering the business and the way it moves. I still need another two years to serve the technology to have satisfied my thirst for it. I will stick to that inner voice. Someday, someone out there will listen to this voice of mine and consider me worthy of employment. Hope it happens soon…..and that is all about my last four days.
Monday, March 1, 2010
It is time to start again...
Today is my last day of corporate freedom. Tomorrow, the third of March (almost all of the important ones fall on a 3 or it’s multiple…I can’t help noticing the pattern) will see me employed to a new employer and the managers and the team leads and a new set of people and colleagues will enter my life. I have no idea what lies ahead. With the same zeal and an inner thought that says that this time I will make it a better one and hold on to for some good number of years, I would go and face it. Though, with experience now, it isn’t tough to recognize the type these corporate high sitters belong to and who really hold my way ahead.
Some are the tea-break types. You should be lucky to be addicted to smoking or coffee or tea and you need to accompany them until they speak out the things which matter in the real world. If you are able to hang around for some time, you would gain insights into the way the project is headed, the things going on under the management garb, the real concerns making it tough for things to flow or the real opportunities hidden underneath.
Some are the athletic types. You should have the talent to know how to play it and a few games down, if you are able to prove your steel, in a few days you can see them confiding in you the real patterns applicable to your project or the real gems that can get you what you need or the way things can be moved in your favor.
Some are the workaholic types. They think of food when they need it and for the rest, all is about work. While I prefer these, it certainly needs a good deal of pain taking capability and some real sacrifices on your part to make things work. But once they do, these are the only ones which give the real pleasure.
And then there are the loner types. They need you when they are alone. It might be the late hours in the night or the afternoons on the weekend. Go and sit and discuss and share and soon, you can see the bonding. But more than often, these types insist that you bother about your ways and stick to your time frames and mind your own, but that is when they say they need you to hang around.
Of all that I have seen and observed, the managers and the leads, the so called tough people belong to either of these types. And if you can break the code, the project, the glory, the fame and the ladder up is all yours. Believe it or not, a poor performer is one who does nothing but work. The best performer is one who does work wherever and whenever it is needed. It isn’t only about working on the system and gaining knowledge and expertise but it is also about the people you work with and mainly the people you report to. This is what I had missed at my first organization and the results weren’t good, they were devastating. And this is what I did when I reached my second one and believe me, I struck gold for more than a year and half until revenues dropped for my business unit and I was moved onto a different high revenue earning project onto a challenging task which sadly didn’t suit my taste. And I hope, this is what I won’t miss tomorrow at my new one.
I wait for the day when I would belong to the genre “managers”, to add a new type to my list….
Some are the tea-break types. You should be lucky to be addicted to smoking or coffee or tea and you need to accompany them until they speak out the things which matter in the real world. If you are able to hang around for some time, you would gain insights into the way the project is headed, the things going on under the management garb, the real concerns making it tough for things to flow or the real opportunities hidden underneath.
Some are the athletic types. You should have the talent to know how to play it and a few games down, if you are able to prove your steel, in a few days you can see them confiding in you the real patterns applicable to your project or the real gems that can get you what you need or the way things can be moved in your favor.
Some are the workaholic types. They think of food when they need it and for the rest, all is about work. While I prefer these, it certainly needs a good deal of pain taking capability and some real sacrifices on your part to make things work. But once they do, these are the only ones which give the real pleasure.
And then there are the loner types. They need you when they are alone. It might be the late hours in the night or the afternoons on the weekend. Go and sit and discuss and share and soon, you can see the bonding. But more than often, these types insist that you bother about your ways and stick to your time frames and mind your own, but that is when they say they need you to hang around.
Of all that I have seen and observed, the managers and the leads, the so called tough people belong to either of these types. And if you can break the code, the project, the glory, the fame and the ladder up is all yours. Believe it or not, a poor performer is one who does nothing but work. The best performer is one who does work wherever and whenever it is needed. It isn’t only about working on the system and gaining knowledge and expertise but it is also about the people you work with and mainly the people you report to. This is what I had missed at my first organization and the results weren’t good, they were devastating. And this is what I did when I reached my second one and believe me, I struck gold for more than a year and half until revenues dropped for my business unit and I was moved onto a different high revenue earning project onto a challenging task which sadly didn’t suit my taste. And I hope, this is what I won’t miss tomorrow at my new one.
I wait for the day when I would belong to the genre “managers”, to add a new type to my list….
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