The seventh one..

After 41 km under the hot rays, calling up house owners and laying my eyes on every to-let banner I could, with no idea or sense of direction, I got an apartment to share with my two other friends. That was the biggest achievement for today. Instantly I felt something being lifted off my head. I felt light and relaxed. A new surrounding, a new hang-out area, a new space to fill up with my belongings and OFCOURSE…with my emotions and attachments that I am about to create……

In the last three years of my stay in the city, this is the seventh time I am gonna shift. Earlier ones had been equally challenging. They are summarized as below:

1.The first time I came to the city, I was into a corporate guest house, paid by my employer. That was the first time when I slept in an A/c room. When I got up, it felt great. But it was a limited privilege of ten days. I grouped with five other colleagues and started searching for an apartment. As the process was on, on the ninth day I got us a two-bedroom flat. We were three now with three others having opted out for reasons illogical. And due to some unavoidable circumstances I was supposed to have the first night stay alone. I did that. No fans in the rooms. No water supply. Long night and mosquitoes (there were no electrical plug points to attack them). And comes the morning, when I get to know that the other two with me have changed minds and we were still on our hunt for a flat.

2.I called up a friend of mine whose elder brother happened to stay in the city. I reasoned moving in with him till we three can finally get some place for us. It was 45 km away, a place which only an expanding city can claim as its own. My first day of journey to office included a thirty minute standing ovation in the bus for the favor god had done followed by a two hour standing ovation for the favor I did by staying alive on earth. Way back was even better, as sometimes I happened to pay the ovation, standing outside by the window, keeping an eye on the person seated inside by the window, holding my stuff as a favor. Thankfully it lasted seven days.

3.My third stay was finally with my two friends as was planned earlier but we happened to share the flat with an outsider working with a big MNC. Ego and pride were offered free. And for reasons unknown, he preferred not having any of our friends visit, even though for an hour. I had to take that. That was considered polite by my friends. And I happened to be with him in his room. And there he was, with all his gay mannerisms making me wonder at night, who I have ended up with. I distanced myself pretty good. But I have something which people call attitude or some prefer it as being arrogant. And hence, a day when I had fever and was at home, I wasn’t able to attend the doorbell. It was him and when I finally made it to the door; he came in and blasted me for my delay. And was more annoyed to see my friend who just came over to give me some company. I blasted him too. And I won. He gave me two days to vacate. I took six hours. With the rest of the time on his face, I shifted with a fever, to my friend’s (one who had visited me) hostel. For the curious ones who question about the friends I was staying there with, they deserted me.

4.My shift to the hostel was a short one as within two months the owner came up with another establishment. We were all supposed to fit in there. We had to. We did that. It was a new one, well constructed and ideally situated. I spent nine months staying there until it was enough for me to bear with unknown people making my life miserable with local dialects and unnatural habits and poor sanitation sense.

5.I asked a colleague of mine and they happened to be searching for a three bedroom apartment. Somehow, I completed their group of four to five and I was in. I moved into this awesome well maintained township. It was heaven staying here. With separate pools, tennis courts, badminton courts, table tennis boards and lush greenery, it felt like having a decent lifestyle for the first time. It was my longest ever stay at a place in the city…..1.8 years for a figure. And we grew from a bunch of five to nine to six and to three recently. Affording it was an issue now. So we decided to move out and hence my journey above.

Just to correct the numbers, it is certainly my seventh shift of place if you consider my movements from the guest house to the two bedroom flat where I happened to stay alone in the night. Nez…that’s all my dears. That is the story of my things and their habitual trips in the city. They love it…and somehow with time, I love them too as they continue to fill up the pages of my life with memoirs.

Changes continue...

The last two days have taken me into another change. And this time it’s a change of project at work I have been working in. After my friends and the upcoming house-shifting thngy coming up by the 1st of july, god had plans to change my colleagues and work. So, presently, at work, I am the most relaxed and the most tensed one. My brain shuffles between the days I had and the days I might be having. Anticipation is always bad. It kills, slowly. Till date, whenever I have gone back and looked into a changed that had happened in the past, I have agreed that it had happened for good. And so I take the freedom and choose it that way and prefer to stay relaxed with the analysis that someday down, I would reflect and feel good about it. I guess whatever happens, happens for good in lines with the masterly plans that we are here to be a part of. Just that, we aren’t able to see the good in it, until an appreciable amount of time passes.

My love says that I have again fallen in love with her. The truth is, I met her a few weeks back and this was the first time in our long relationship of over six years that we had fun together, without any earthly concerns or mortals disturbing us. It was us, in love, the way it should have been. And my life suddenly had taken a back seat, flowing smoothly with a fresh air, amidst the hilly archives of nature at a place far away from any manager or developer or client’s woes. And I don’t know after how many days I had seen the sun set, had timely food, had a sense of time the way normal people have. Things so beautiful have to end. That’s life. But, days so great, shall always be dear to me. That’s me. And the core of it all can never change, that’s love for my love.

Lastly, let me make a confession here. With ample time at office these days, I happen to occasionally sneak into my blog and see if anyone has posted comments. It’s sad that I can only see the text and not any images or styles with the firewalls and proxies in place that these corporations use for security. And like-ways I happened to see yesterday morning about the award I had received from The Novelist Barista. This was my first and I guess, all you awesome people of blogsphere know how it feels when you get the first one. I was happy. It was the best of my yesterday. Thanks a lot to you for this beautiful award.



This award comes with the direction to post a funny or sweet keepsake that tells something about you….and I got to know that from The Novelist Barista…and hence here I go…



Couldn’t find anything funny but I am all about emotions and hence here it is……A bunch of roses delivered specially for me at my door by my love on 14.02.2008. They aren’t fresh anymore…but they still have that love….and it isn’t a simple valentine gift…..It’s special because my love was going through a tough time all alone at home dealing with her extraordinarily difficult times and she had called up my roommate to arrange for it……


I am passing on this award to :

Ramblings of An Inane Mind
In so many words....

Cheers !!!

A Note to Farah: You are correct. I owe you and others, pics of my trip. I have them. I will post it this weekend. Will update you for sure…:))

Why's

Why am I such a procrastinator? I am thankful to my lady love for letting me know that long back. But am sorry that I hardly do anything about that. I tried a lot. And I failed always. Since when was I not a failure!!!

I am so tiered being a developer. I am unable to take the pain anymore. Why do I always have to think of a solution and way around for doing things? Why me? Who said that I can fix things? Why do I always need to perform? Why can’t I let go off pro-activity and productivity and lead a normal serene human life?

Why do I hold on so strongly to my conviction? Why can’t I just be a normal being and accept things and persons as the way they come into my life and try to change mine? Why do I always need to be different? Why do I think about all that and express the person I am in the best possible straight-forward way possible?

Why is it that I have to wait for the week to end? Why can’t I just end it the day I like? Why do I have to work on weekdays and why is it that they count to five? Why not one or two?

Why is it that I love you so much? Why is it that I can’t stop myself calling you and missing you and thinking about you? Why is it that a bit here and there with you puts me off to being nothing? Why is it that at times I bother you unknowingly? Why is that way with you? Who created love?

Why do I enjoy pain? Why do I like hurting myself? Why do I do that without any care for anyone? Why is it that pain kills’s pain for me? Why has he programmed me that way? Why do I need to oscillate between extremes? Why not lead a moronic life, watching and feeling just a bit about the things and carrying on with my life?

I am tiered. It’s about to strike one in the morning and a Tuesday awaits me at work. I have seven hours and am supposed to pull in a good sleep along with the travel to office and the daily human formalities in the morning. Those are the one’s going on in my mind right now and I know many more are still lurking inside, quite happy not to have come out. But it’s blogsphere. The space I love for the space I can have. I shall win and soon, you all, unpublished why’s of my life, shall be here.

A Strange Kindness !

Being a daily commuter to my job place makes me feel good at times. It reminds me that am a part of something active and that I belong somewhere. I feel I have a face and an identity, a common lame one though.

I waited patiently by the road for a shared rickshaw to take me to work with a relaxed mind taking pleasure in the arriving weekend. I am never the same person on a Friday. Everyone aware of my existence knows that. And during such waits, a cab is always a wonderful welcome. Just that you have struggle for your space at the backseat sharing it with three other. And the case worsens if those three seat partners hate a deo-spray and a bath. Not to forget the scorch rays outside and soaring temperatures with icings of humidity. And to my relief, a Maruti ALTO brakes in front of me. The person on the wheels didn’t look like a cab driver. But his eyes were questioning me of my destination. In a soft tone, I asked him and he happily allowed me in to the front seat beside him. A lady standing outside didn’t dare as he was hard to be taken as a driver and probably she wasn’t fine with unreasonable favors. The same was with me but I was sitting there because I was habituated to this world and its mannerisms and I was yet to see a favor done. I was convicted he had to be a driver. I tried looking at him and his appearance was professional with his full sleeves, formal trousers and the watch flagged my wrongness in taking him for a driver. He drove slowly through the twists and turns with the exact mentality of a person getting prepared for a day at a hectic job. I saw him applying the brakes bare footed. Ah….i was confused. Sitting there, I tried hard to cope with the dilemma of whether to offer him for money or not.

That’s when I felt for the first time how sick it is about the way we look down upon work. Here in India, we have never been able to appreciate the value of work. Small work almost always implicates cheapness and backwardness. We are born not to value the effect and beauty of a work. Drivers, workers, salesmen, fitters etc belong to a class which has been defined by lunatics and cynical as cheap and downtrodden and those lunatics and cynical are nothing but US. And we have always felt proud in happily ignoring the magnitude of help and role they play in our society. We need them, and they are cheap and we still need them. Here, if you ask someone if he is a driver, he doesn’t feel that is funny. He prefers feeling I was rude and that he should show me what arrogance or disgust means. Enquiring about someone being a driver shall always be taken as something horribly wrong with and can never ever be related to my curiosity or incapability to determine the fact.

Sitting there, I wished, it hadn’t been the same. How cool it would have been for me if only he didn’t mind me asking for money and being curious as to whether he truly was a driver or not. My options were two. Either I ask him for money and he refuses and he feels bad that he helped me or that I don’t offer him any and say a thanks and if he is really a driver, I let him ask for money. And I chose the latter one.
I was right to do that. As I reached, I smiled at him and said thanks the best way I could afford and got out to go my way. To my surprise he didn’t call me back. I was shocked at the favor. I am not a blonde or a good looking girl which is all you need here in this part of the world to turn someone in for a favor especially during office hours. Why he did so is something I can never understand. All I can do is to term him as a kind hearted soul. But he surely described kindness and compassion for the daily day-to-day woes one has to go through. He certainly made a difference in a big way by doing it in a simple way. And above all he did what all he could have to make my start of the day a very pleasant one. I forgot what kindness was and in a way it was inspiring. I received it and now I was feeling about spreading the same. It was my turn to hand it over and let someone else realize it and share it. I carried on towards my office with a wonder at heart and feeling good for this morning for I know it shall hardly ever come by again.

Thanks to you the unknown. The world here needs more like you. I shall try my best to add on to the list.

My Score: 27

Today is my birthday. And in a way this has been the most special one I ever had. In continuation to my lonely journey here with all my close friends having moved to other cities in the past weeks and my love at studies in a different city, I am all alone in my room all on to myself having taken a leave at office. If god planned it lonely for me, I thought why not make him happier by disconnecting myself in every way I can. And so after having a tiff with my lady love last night, I switched off my mobile and disconnected my landline. I went to sleep by one in the morning for a record and woke up wishing myself a happy birthday.

History has it that I have never been able to have fun on this very day of the calendar. Somehow it turns out to be very depressing every year. And I being a human always expect it to be something different. Well, I shall try again the next year. But I do know that life is planned. No matter how we lead it or how much we may try, it’s all destined. In a way we are fool to think we succeed or we fail. It’s correct to take it as we simply want and try and go ahead to face whatever was planned for us. And when we do say we try our best, we want to make sure that we get the full credit of it or that we don’t have anything to repent about, later, if at all we fail. Palmistry has it that we all are born to fit into his grand plan, play our part and depart to nowhere. And we all do know that some have a better luck line and some of us don’t. As to why are those some preferred choice of His, is yet to be answered. For some, it hints towards an absolute freedom to try and for me, it inspires me to accept and face whatever I get. That’s why I have always preferred the saying that in life, it doesn’t matter how many games we win or lose but all that matters is how many we have played. After all, the experience and the moments shall be all that I shall be carrying to nowhere.

To all the winners: You were born to try and succeed. God made you that way and I do hope things remain that way for you.

To all the losers: You were supposed to try or not try and fail. He wants you to face it. So accept it. The day you accept is the day you start anew. May be to lose again or to win for a change.

To me: Shut up.

My birthday enjoyment program shall include a four hour afternoon nap, loads of smoke and washing the clothes. IF at all anyone wants it to differ, please do pray for it. I am always in need of it. Cheers!!!

All set to go..

Today was one of the busiest I had since days. Come morning, my dearest about-to-go friend made me a cup of tea. Surprised at the break from the regular behavior of me making myself coffee I headed for office after an hour of the same day-to-day activities and as I approached the main entrance of my office, I realized that I forgot my handkerchief and locker keys. I borrowed my colleague’s locker. During lunch, I called up the place I was supposed to stay at during my visit planned for tomorrow with my lady and a friend. It was tough, calling them and my friend and coordinating between them for payment of my stay as he shares the same city as that of the hotel office. It was strange that people who are managing a 3-star hotel at a hill station find it difficult to jolt down the address even though I was dictating it, letter to letter.

By four in the afternoon, I was done with the bookings to my relief. The payment was done and my friend had the coupon I needed to carry to the hotel for my check in. At office, no issues cropped up and that is really strange for the life of a developer. Today is also the last night that my friend has got in the city as he is going off to visit his lady before he gets back to his work at the new place. And we planned for a dinner outside, boozing to the memories we had and things and life we shared. And with no idea how, I somehow managed to make him come over to the same place I am planning to go for tomorrow. That surely means a great deal, as I shall be having a few more memoirs to carry on with my supplemented by the evidence of pics. It’s ironical that he shall be back to the city by Sunday morning and shall fly by an afternoon flight and that I shall be coming back on Monday morning, to this same place, with every trace of his gone. I am afraid to face that morning. I am afraid to conclude about this whole friendy-tale we were having at some time in the future. I somehow want to stop and say it to the passing by time, that please, at least this time, don’t make it be like all other outcomes I had, of all the people I still remember and miss.

And I come back home, and plan to wash my clothes. My dear hates dirty clothes. I guess everyone does except when it comes to a few bachelor morons like me. I too hate it but I hate myself cleaning it more. And in thirty minutes, I am done. Either I was fast and efficient or that I just missed on something that my lady is going to crib about, big-time.

And so as the day rests for me, here I am, writing down all of it. I shall be missing writing here as I won’t be able to avail the internet until I come back. But yes, I will surely be sharing my experience and trip with you all with pics. And how can I miss my journey of twelve hours in a non-air-conditioned compartment, all alone, watching people, facing the heat and the dirt, with pain and excitement in my heart. I simply can’t. Because, god had it for me to write it here. After all he isn’t that bad. Always!!!

Welcome to wherever..

In continuation to my lonely quest to nowhere, the past few days had been a bit better and today was again an exception. My friend whose supposed departure in the nearing days has caused this soul to be so lonely had been off to meet his girlfriend. With other two guys who share the house with me, I was happy, left all onto myself with my lappy. It rained in the afternoon on Sunday, and after having a nap, we three happily went out, in the rains, biking and feeling the moist and air, nature had to provide. It was one of a kind of experience watching the all around getting washed away, feeling those drops on my face, feeling the droplets tickle down my neck, feeling new, feeling the deep want of belongingness getting refined in the scent new monsoons.

And I woke up on Monday to find him right in front of my eyes, busy with his cell phone. A reader might wonder why am being so damn serious. Well, all I can say is that friends rule my life and more so with my girlfriend studying in another city. This mortal was special to me and so shall he remain. I have lost many in the past, seen them going with promises of calls and sms and mails and hopes of future get-together’s but sometimes life does provide something very fairy. And these moments have turned out none the better. The pace of life, our work and need has always taken care of us. And hence, I conclude that so shall be the case this time too.

After a day, I go to meet my lady and we have plans to go off to a nearby hill station. The scenic beauty has been proved to be awesome by pics available on Google. I am waiting for it and more so because she will be there. If plans go the way we have thought, it would be just us. But when it comes to me, one never knows. I leave that to my future posts. 

And say it good or bad, I won’t be here when my friend will be leaving the city forever. I say good because it is hard seeing him go and bad because I shall be back here, on Monday, to face the city without him. I hate why god made me so. I have seen people who behave normally and are normal. I wonder why I am always in extremes. It has always been a 0 or a 1 for me. I never had any intermediate state. I always swing at the two extremes. I really wish, I had been made a different way. And no wonder, my life also has shown me extremes without any content of moderation.
Wake up to wherever you are…..goes the song by Bon Jovi and these days I like it like hell. It somehow suits me and I find it nice. It inspires me to face. And that’s exactly what I have been doing all these years since I was born. That’s the only thing I am good at. Not that I face it in a goody way but that I just somehow do it and get it done with. 

Lastly, a special thanks to blogger “N S Rose” and “YET”, for trying to be with me through their valuable comments and judgment of life. I felt elated….

My pursuit....

I am sad. My girlfriend is enjoying in a disco with her friends and am all alone, sitting here, far away. Wish I could have been there. I had chances of going to one nearby but I preferred saving it for her. LOL

May be I was a fool or that I took things on a different note. Whatever might it be, I am hurt. I wonder how fast I transited from sad to hurt. Anyways that’s me. I miss her a lot and time had it for me to face today, when she maintains that she needs time. She says she is short of emotions and time for me. I hate the way things are going on. At work I don’t have anyone to talk to. It can be perfectly termed language issues. They don’t get me and I don’t have the patience to understand what they have to say. More often than not, it’s something useless. My experience says that. I come home, and all my goody buddies have left. The last one will be gone in the coming twenty days. Will someone tell me, out of you intelligent and creative bloggers, what is it that I should exactly do?

I am simply unable to get out of this problematic scenario hang over that I am facing. No friends. No soul to talk to and my love, in a far off city. They say we all face things just because god wanted us to learn. Now what would he like me to know and get? To survive alone….to be screwed every single day…to be dejected by a busy girlfriend…to be signed off as past by departing friends….? Can’t he see that am all hands up?

My life has become a pursuit for happiness in its own way. A warning Mr. Smith: don’t try this in your next flick. It’s copyrighted and I don’t take anything that you can easily give.

A phase ends...

This was one of the worst days I would ever have in my life. It has happened not more than seven to eight times in the past. It’s when the winds of fate and destiny make me part from one of my closest of friends. I always wonder why it happens to me or is that it happens to everyone but I fail to see or know. Hats off to you oh dear lord, it’s the best way you have got to screw me.

Life has always given me quality friends. Never had I been alone. I have always enjoyed the company when needed the most. But they always came and they always went. The cycle never ended. And I ended up, having memories of all of them. Wish they would always have been by me. I still miss them, all, wholly. That everything comes to an end is true and might be that’s why it’s sad. Not every time a fresh beginning is a welcome. Not every time change is what you want.

I am complex. I am hard to understand and arrogant to face. There are a few who get me. And it’s exactly the very same whom I loose. And the process of life and technology continues. Calls, mails, scraps and nothing. One fine day you look back and see that, shit, you are almost done with that someone. I don’t want that to happen. Last few months have seen me bidding a farewell to two of my closest friends. And now, after a few days I am supposed to do the same with the last one I am holding on to so preciously. And that happy news is what I got to hear today.
I don’t know who’s in line or if at all someone is there. All I know is it would again be me and my tears, at least for that moment when I would be bidding him bye at the station if not after a few months. And so here I go, my dear friend, a few lines especially for you:

You have been great to me, during all times. You stood by me and made me survive the toughest. I shall never forget the times spent with you. The way we used to hang out at wee hours into the night, the way we used to sing together the old tunes from flicks, the way we passed our weekend nights, talking and playing and the way we used to discuss and fight and argue, the way we moved from one theatre to another on Saturdays, the crazy things we have shared, the pics we have posed for and the plans we had, and above all the way we shared life….i thank you for being there and sharing this part and phase of the journey with me. May god bless you and may I have the pleasure to share life with you again. Amen!

I shall always miss you.

Where am i headed?

Finally Monday is over. I am sure now I would sail happily through the week. Things seem fine once I get a start. I always find starting things difficult. Well, god made me that way and certainly it’s not me to blame. 

Work was good with me getting an award and recognition for my work. And with a happy-happy marked all on me, as I was walked out of the office to catch a cab, I narrowly missed a hoarding, blown down by the wind. No idea why but I found that interesting. I read somewhere in a novel by Peter James that there is nothing like a meaningless coincidence. Since then I have been looking out for them.

I am a single child. I am hugely dependent on friends. They matter to me a lot and a huge space of my life is always dedicated to them. Quite recently two of my friends moved out to another city related to work. And now, it seems another has to go in near days. If he moves out, I am left with only one, whom I can really count on as a friend. Wonder what I would do. Life at 27 has made me face this crisis. A crisis of friends. A crisis of being in someone’s company. With the love of my life busy at studies of management in another city, I don’t have any soul except two, with whom I spend all of my time on weekends and hang out. But now it seems, god certainly has different plans. I am ready to face. That’s all I can do and that’s what I do best. I am of no good use except that.

She (No credits for guessing who) says it was always me and it’s only me who is responsible for my present all-alone world. She is right in saying that I am always arrogant and I hardly bend my ways. But she fails to understand that I can’t befriend anyone. Friendship, I guess, is a tricky piece of code. Sometimes it just happens. And sometimes, howsoever hard you might try, nothing works out. If I don’t like anyone at work, that’s the way I am. I can’t make myself like someone and go ahead, and share life and feelings and views and be friends. I can’t do that. If I want something, I want it the way I want; else, I don’t want it at all. I have made enough compromises till date. I am not supposed to make them always. God might choose the opponent and the ground and the game but I shall always play by my own rules. He can never change the way I play because after all, oh god, it was you who made me this way.

That was it. 1st of June, a day, a week’s start, for me. Let’s see where I am headed…….