Silence

How many people do you talk to in a day? Can you count them? I can count them. It’s one if I really consider talking. I don’t have anyone around. Neither do I look for someone understanding nor someone with whom I can share and do some soul searching. At home, one of the guys around is hooked to staying in his own room and stays awake till four in the morning. I don’t get to see much of him. The other one, my roommate goes for the bed early and sleeps most of the time. By the time I come back, he is usually one hour away from his busy affair with sleep. At work, communication is an issue. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. They don’t want to and that doesn’t make me feel like doing it. To add on, racism is their cup and I am an intruder with better competencies. So everything about them and their behavior is understandably humane. I have become so miserable with time that now I don’t have anyone to have food with or smoke with. Others, whom I can reach to via my mobile are either busy with their lives or are at office busy with planned meetings and schedules. All I have as the only option apart from the fact that I love it even if it’s not an option is my love. She is either busy with her MBA or is busy to have some entertainment to get rid of her fatigue and the load of her assignments. Where do I go? What do I do? Whom shall I talk to?

After the day, all alone by myself, I feel like screaming at the top of my voice. I am sad and hurt and alone. Now, roaming alone at two in the morning, on the roof top doesn’t feel unnatural. I don’t have anyone by my side. Every soul is busy. I too have a life. I too am busy. But why is it that i end up seeing others and waiting for them? Am i wrong in being in need of a voice to talk to? If not people, why doesn’t god get it? I have so many things inside me which never gets to come out. I need a vent for them. Sometimes I feel I don’t exist. I am in a dream, unable to reach out to others. I hated myself. Now i pity myself too. I never cried for myself before.

The bits in 1

I returned from office at 1:30 in the morning. I had ten more hours between us. One of those things which I regret doing everyday-Sleep, had to happen. In a way it was good that it kept me from atwitter and in a way it was bad. I missed those gushes of emotions. Finally it boiled down to three more hours. The final hour was the best one. I was approaching the station feeling numbness all over me. It was as if I had accelerated to my full extent and my speed was at maxim and I had let go off all my controls to see myself approach the final finish line, sitting back relaxing in the wind flowing past. It is one of those joys that I hardly get. That feels huge and it feels best.

She was standing there just like any other mortal and things followed the way they do. In an hour we were together and it was so unnatural. It took me some time to realize that finally this was it. The seconds were heavy and full. There was so less time left yet it seemed so long. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we felt, we thought, we lived…it was to me as if I was alive. No idea when it becomes a way of life but till then, I surely know, these are the best of moments. Someday we might be sitting together in our house remembering them but today, it was something. This thing termed love makes humans so important and godly. There is ecstasy embedded deep in the air between the two. It’s natural and yet unnatural. I am yet to know words to define how I felt in there with her. We had planned to cut off all outside stuff to the least except the latest from potter series. We both, being potter fans, thought of watching it together. It was luck that it happened so. Rest was all about us being together with each other. Standing at the airport I could see her getting her things checked and getting the boarding pass done. She moved towards her security pass gate and suddenly, she was gone. She was not there. I tried all angles I could. And that was how it all ended. She was gone. The magic was gone. It was me, with my world and ways left behind. I felt sad and was missing her badly. Thanks to my friend who suggested an hour at barista. But it didn’t do much except to add on to my calories, chocolate iceberg and lasagna being my favorites. I was back with moments new in my life. I had ample to think and feel. I somehow felt great as I know that I now have them for the end of my life. I can swim through it all at my choice.

Coming back to the present, my GMAT RC struggle has been of some success now. I am doing 2 minutes per question with something between 85-90% as correct. That leaves me with Sentence Corrections (to be referred as SC henceforth) in the verbal section. Changing my study timings to the mornings has helped me. It keeps me free of the tiredness of the day at work and I am calm and relaxed when I get up. Challenge is to not stay awake late at night, something which is in accordance with my biological clock. It will at the least take me a week before I am done with my SC. And then the real fun shall begin. Time will tell how I do when I have CR, RC and SC on a single plate. Nez…..It’s my last run and my last race. I wait…

Workplace is still the same with the same fools around. My team lead expects unplanned leaves to be planned earlier so that they can be notified to the clients and be planned for accordingly. I pity his logic and expectation. Apart from that, he doesn’t deserve anything. My manager being docile that he is, always has the same words: “Going forward that is the plan actually…………..LOL. Rest, the team is happy with politics and manipulation. Knowledge, enthusiasm, quality and passion are still at bay. With that, there are certainly no worries for them.

My morning commitments to GMAT prep and my day at work has put me on a hectic schedule. So to all my readers and bloggers whom I follow, please be patient with me and don’t mind about my absence of visit on your respective blogs. Soon, I will be there and follow up with comments on all of them.

My last post was very special to me because it had the text which said she is coming. And hence, regarding the comments I got on my last post I had things to say to all of them. I wonder if they would have read it had I posted it there. Hence, on a different note here is what I had wanted to say:

@ Farah/Novelist Barista: thanks to you two. Your wishes did their job. I had great time, one of the best. :)

@ Spatzi: That was wonderful. I agree to that.

@ Deepika: It was great. And I think I have tried describing it here the best way I could have. Beauty of love certainly is what you said. Above all, I believe love is everything. And i am a proud emotional fool....r u ? :)

@ Sandy: I am amazed by things you know. :)

@Anonymous: It’s all about you dear. :)

1 after a 0

I am still a developer. Computers and their lingo rule my life. And sometimes the language they understand suits best in some scenarios. For an instance, I had a zero in my last post with a letter to Death. And guess what? This time it’s a one.

My love planned her travel back without letting me know and I felt sad about not being a part of the whole deciding process. I can never get enough of her. I need her badly and I miss not being there as a part of her life. I guess moments lost in distance are moments missed forever. If a day is gone without her being with me (as is presently the case), it feels as if I am tearing a page off my life’s diary whose pages are limited. I could have filled in that page with so many numerous moments of emotions, togetherness and love. Nez..don’t ask me how but she is coming tomorrow for a day. I precisely remember when it was the last. Two months and am dying to meet her again. My atwitter is not allowing me to write more. All I know is she will be there with me and I have a day to live with her. So all of you, until Sunday night, have a great weekend. Meanwhile, let me get some air of love.

@Death: If you have read my last post, just ignore that. My account was hacked and I am exactly not sure who has put that in. :)

To: Death

Dear Death,

Take me. I have heard all along that you are the sole winner. I truly believe that you are the only truth. And I read countless stories of fools trying to avoid meeting you. I am here to let you know that I am all eager to meet you. I, just like any other mortal, live in this place named world on a planet called earth. As to my profile, I have parents and a love. That’s all I have. I don’t know any other mortal having any relationship with me. Some were never there and some which happened to be there just for the sake of being there, have been identified and dealt with. I believe that this letter will reach you because I suit the place more than any other. I am not needed by anyone in this world. My parents love me a lot but they could never understand me. This has happened time and again. My love loves me but she is not ready for a relationship with me and seems to me like am being a burden on her too. That’s all I have got as to how badly I am needed by the only three people I have. Sadly, they love me but they don’t need me. I die every day at numerous moments. I am tiered of this pain inside. My heart cries every night. I feel it difficult to breathe every moment. I feel angry at myself for taking that breath inside and pushing myself to another moment of pain. I have accepted my defeat on every corner of my life. And I am not interested in any further tries. Even if you aren’t convinced yet, meet me to know me more and am damn sure that once you meet me, I will surely convince you of your act. I am more afraid being alive than meeting you. I am a different case and it will be quite challenging for you to make yourself agree to come to me. I hope you enjoy it. It offers you an oppurtunity to take a break from what you do everyday and have some fun. Dont you need something for your blog? You are all around. You have been places most unwanted. Please be here. They have all refused me. Please don’t deny me. Amen!!!

Yours truly,
An eager soul.

A state of glory.....On Leave.

In this age of worldwide interconnectivity I pity those who don’t find it befitting to use technology properly or show interest in using the revolutionary www. I have many on my contact list who fit this caste. The story of their hands on a keyboard can be summarized as logging in, checking the mails arbitrarily, not deleting the unnecessary ones and no usage of labels and folders and tags. Results are painful on the part of many who mail them and wait for a reply and sometimes in the case of an urgent one, call again to ask them to check the mails. The world was a much better place without web mails. People like me would have never had the expectation to get a reply. And it infuriates me more when they come up with reasons like they were not able to find the mail or that they didn’t notice any such thing or that they didn’t find it necessary to check mail as a habit. Such people with mass global support and with the help of a search algorithm should be identified and banned forever from the usage of the internet via some unknown yet-to-be conceived technology. We, people who believe in being in touch and staying connected deserve this peace. Literature is our only resort and personally I prefer branding them as A** H***S.

GMAT prep has started taking its toll on me. My performance yesterday at RC and CR was pathetic. I am so disturbed that I am unable to pull myself out of the bed for office. That is one of the reasons why I am writing for the first time during the day time. I hope that when I am done penning in my woes, I will somehow push myself for work. I need to be more focused and calm. And my life doesn’t permit that. That’s the fight I guess I have to win first. And that would mean an intentional indifference to the issues of my life. That is against my genes. I fear that I don’t give the whole thing up, a second nature to me. Higher education programs like GRE and GMAT had been chosen by many of my friends. But the number which made it finally to a university is staggeringly low. It stands at one in eleven. I wonder if I can make that count two. And it makes me feel sick when I see that none of them were in for GMAT. A problem faced unanimously is finance. Though for GMAT, some colleges are available in India, none are value for money with ISB being an exception. If GMAT is a marathon, ISB is a mountain. And here I am, a snail in pace trying to shoot. LOL

The trip I planned with my love had to be canceled. Swine flu is spreading. The trip involved airports twice. I feared contamination. That’s what happens you plan for things I guess. They never work. It seems to me as if the moment I start planning, a counteractive natural force comes into play and stops things from happening. I am human. And so although I know that plans never work, I will still plan. That’s how my subconscious mind plays. But I am happy that she is safe. Her life can’t be traded for our emotions. If not today or tomorrow, someday has to be ours. I am convicted that my conviction about our togetherness will be true. That’s all that can be said or thought of.

Being a Bengali, “Durga Puja” is the only big occasion in a year. When I happen to meet other Bengalis working at my office, I see that glitter of excitement and fun in them. They are all waiting patiently for a month to pass by when they shall be back to Kolkata to enjoy the festivity. Years have passed and I don’t remember when it was the last when I was in a similar mould. It might be the biggest or the most sacred of times in the year for my lot, but for me, it is just a normal phase. I cannot afford to be that way. If I do, things will crumble. My dependencies are so huge. Every year I say to myself that the next time things would be different. I have to say myself that again. The road for me is so less travelled.

Writing this post didn’t help me. I am still the same I was when I started. Hence, conclusion says that I am on leave today. Hopes are there that I shall read and try to utilize my time but my experience with myself says I will sleep and try to pass by the time. Staying awake is so hard. It is so tough for me to face things with open eyes. Unconsciousness is a much sought for state. If not anything else, I deserve it.

No FuN ; nO rEgReTs

I was told recently by my best friend that I am no fun. And I agree.

Since I joined my job three years ago, life has never been kind to me. On the work front was a manager who believed in language bias and had his own lot of favorites. I was branded as someone who never had work though I worked more and often till three at night. Initially I took the blame and tried more and the branding grew stronger. If I happened to play Table Tennis for even half an hour during the evenings, it was said that I never am on my seat. Each day was a war. Every night was spent in forgetting the forgetful day I had. Workplace tensions and politics made me feel like running away. I had to move out of that place. I kept on trying until time was mine after nineteen months of slog. I landed up at a place where the tasks were immensely challenging and they always kept me thinking about the nuances of software development and design patterns. But people around were educated souls. They knew nothing of present day job politics. It was great in that way until I landed up in my present team and project. Personal life hasn’t been kind to me either. My parents are all alone by themselves (me being their single child), and are financially dependent on me. Every financial decision I take has to be considered from their point too. My friends say that I am a lucky guy as I am able to help them out at so early stage of my life and they are right but they aren’t aware of what it feels like when you are the only one in control with all responsibilities and you need to choose and judge and restrain. It certainly isn’t a great thing to have at so early in your life. Monetary tensions are the real killers. They kill you from the inside. The world fades in a different shade and peace stays at bay. I know what money is and how important it is. I know how it feels like to be the captain of the ship. Believe me, it is not all joy. Having this as a part of me inside and catering to an unreasonable criticizing manager takes a lot. And after all this, I had my love; sitting all alone at her house (I was responsible for that) waiting for me and my time without any friends. She had lost touch with herself at that time. And she needed emotional support and care. No idea how much did I fare at that but I was with her in every possible way I could have been. It drained me off totally. I had no one to fall back on. Every piece of my life seemed to take away a part of me. Every bit was demanding. Not that I complain of them but that I had to pay and I paid.

After these three years, things have improved a bit. I am financially better. My love has a life and friends and is busy completing her management course. I have a job which makes me feel I don’t have any and am trying to pursue my GMAT with a little ease. But, what did I gain? Things surely did improve. But they did at the cost of something. And that something was me and my own life. It took away my senses of enjoyment. I have forgotten many a things which I feel are very important for existence. I have degraded every day. And now as I stand to the world, I don’t see any passions or hobbies left in me to make me feel like going for. I don’t see life as a simple one and a laugh or smile doesn’t come easy to me. I don’t know where to hangout and I don’t know what people should do to enjoy. I don’t have the competency left in me to identify the ways to wave boredom off. I am just an oxygen consumer, due to a natural biological process alive inside that has few other things left to be taken care off in this lifetime. I know no more.

And so my best friend and all my readers: I am no fun. As I said earlier that I agree to this, let me tell you something else too: I don’t have any regrets being that way.

Updates....

A question to all in hope that most of you will identify with me. How do you feel on a Sunday evening? I always felt very very bad. The meager thought of the week ahead and Monday being the first one in row always had my peace of mind and joy of soul. Since the last three years it was that way. Friday nights and Saturday’s were the best. Come Sunday and by five in the evening I would always find it hard to concentrate and enjoy outside. It was a maxim for me. I could never surpass this mental impediment.

Now all of that has become a hoary tale. I am unable to distinguish Sundays from the Mondays. Blame my new irresponsible ignorant funny foolish colleagues and their apathy about work. If you can’t do that, then consider them having done the magic. Now it is all fun hours at work. I feel so relaxed in there. There is nothing to think about. No problem is huge and there is no wait for the satisfaction of having traveled deep into lines of code at the end of the day. I come out as relaxed as I go in. And whenever I happen to pity myself at having wasted my whole day in there or having not being productive or having fooled around, I keep that burning inside to route it towards my GMAT preparation when I come back home. It helps me immensely. That burning is exactly what I need to sail me through. As long as that is inside there, I am good and unstoppable in my focus. I know myself. I always loose that with time. This time, surely, I will be able to see the end of it all.

I started more than a week ago. I am now confy of my critical reasoning (to be referred as CR hence forth) and I just need to punch my head against those tough Kaplan materials. I am done with GMAT Official guide (to be referred as OG henceforth) for the 10th version. The week saw me having started with my Reading Comprehension (to be referred as RC henceforth). I did poor. Princeton, my way of gaining the fundamentals didn’t help me. I happened to get a tip somewhere that Kaplan’s RC is better for starters. I followed. And after having struggled two days, finally I am doing much better. Till evening I was with one error from my eighteen questions. But then, I got three from six and then zero from another six. So I am kinda lost. I need more. It is certainly not where I can move onto others. I have time.

Happened to see Public Enemies yesterday. Mr Depp was cool. I liked the piece. The last scene from the flick moved me. It was so raw and strong. I did justice to myself when I decided not to watch it on my laptop. I still wish that I would have seen Depp’s “From Hell”, Finding Neverland and Chocolat on the big screen. He has his own ways. I would like to say that “Secret Window” and “The Ninth Gate” were OK. And not to forget Pirates. That’s all I have for your Johnny.

Plans are for a trip to a hill station with some friends and my love. Sadly there has been an outbreak of Swine Flu nearby the place we are about to visit. Hope things turn out good without any further contaminated cases. Else, I might have to take a big risk. A four day plan with my love, when I am missing her day in and day out can never be spoiled by the flu danger. Both are life taking.

GOD's Game, My Rules.

I don’t know what should be done with a heavy heart. I am feeling so sad. I am unable to cry. I am unable to scream. I am unable to hit something hard. I am unable to end all of this. I am unable to put myself on the table and cut into pieces. I am unable to hold myself. I am unable to express how I am feeling and how badly I am missing her. Right now, I just want to hold her and be with her.

I am fed up with this routinely life and the sick logic of the clock ticking by. I want to take all this shit in a bag and throw it away. I want my life to have nothing but her, keeping all these predictable common cheap illogical moronic practical problematic futuristic planned things out of my way. Life can be so simple. At least for me it can be. I know that. And I want it. A mobile phone, a ring, a missed call, texts, ringtones, a voice at the other end….that’s all I get. Not fair. Either my god is exactly not sure and isn’t good at all at requirements gathering or I don’t have any god. Can’t he see…I refer him as “GOD”, C’mon…

This passivity in me is keeping her away from her happiness. I miss her like hell and when she is there for me, I just can’t control my emotions. And more than often, I end up hurting her. And things which were already so bad for me turn out to be worst. I have been advised time and again by people wise and dumb to control my emotions and distract myself so that I start missing her less. But was that a fair solution? How am I supposed to do it? And you seriously think I can do it in my lifetime. Even if someone is able to, let me tell, that I am a man of emotions. They rule me and my days and my journey. I prefer my mind to be there for the other things. Considering my physical attributes, my brain happens to come before where my heart is located and hence, I shall do justice and pay back my heart by making it count before my brains just to make things equal. He chooses the game and the winner/loser….i decide the rules and play. That’s me.

Let them come. Let the pain be there. Let the love be longed for. Let the hours be long and let the thirst remain unquenched. I don’t give up. I still go the way I go….i take in the pain, cry the tears, voice the scream, miss the life, breathe the distance, smoke to the moments and love you.

I Watch....

There are times when you try and fail. There are times when you try harder and again fail. There are times when you fail and having tried the best way you could have, you simply sit back and start thinking harder about what went wrong and how things are and what can be done. And hence, I have always acknowledged the importance of watching things. It is highly important that sometimes, you just need to wait and watch. Trying harder worsens things. Thinking to solve makes the problem at hand even huge. Just sit and let things take their own course. That’s what exactly I am doing now.

I have made up my mind after a lot that I shall appear for the GMAT exam within months. Preparations have started. Am trying to punch in all I have. My progress is on. If I can take care of my perseverance levels, things might work out for me. And after that, hoping (the worst word in the dictionary and often considered by me as a loser’s last resort) that I shall fare well, comes my next step of preparing my profile for application to my dream college for an MBA in entrepreneurship/IT Business Strategy. That’s a hell lot. But still, I have taken my stride. Even if I fail, I know I shall be trying again. And even if I fail again, I shall try again with the same motive of trying again and again till I feel enough. Let the time answer.

My above mentioned quest has made me a silent spectator at my job. They are not competitive, not eager to learn and share, not eager to appreciate the new, not eager to let go off their political bent of mind at work, not eager to communicate in the national language or English, not eager to learn and not eager to feel the satisfaction of a day’s end as a developer. I sit with them. I feel their aura taking care of my interest at work. And while am feeling that misery and helplessness at work, my inner desire to achieve and differ is getting stronger. I am thankful.

I am missing her more and more. Even though I have a herculean task of preparing for GMAT after an average of twelve hour of work at office, my brain still complains that my heart isn’t at sync. It has become a way of life for me now. It pains.
One of friend’s who happened to leave the city a few months back is now back with a new job. It’s great for me and good for me. Not that I get to spend loads of time with him as he is busy playing his moments with his beloved (who happens to be here) but that I know a face around myself. Occasionally though, when I happen to see him around at home, in the night, I feel that I have someone now. But alas, I am too lost in my own ways. The person in me happens to be asleep. No idea if I shall ever wake up and be the same as I was a few months ago when every corner of life was cool. They, the creatures might ask me to hope but as I say, hoping is worse. I prefer to stay and breathe these moments in and let my eyes do the job they do best. Rest, is planned I guess. Just a matter of time.

Happy Friendship Day

Being a single child, having been operated at the age of ten, being a fatty shy kid, I never got to know what friendship was during my childhood. I would often shun away from guys. I wasn’t fine with two or three pair of eyes in front of me. I loved painting and I used to be mostly at home. I was never one of those to play outside during the evenings. My parents always worried about me getting injured as I had a long stitch-mark from my operation right at the centre of my chest. They were always over caring and over-worried. My ten years of school never saw me going to a single picnic or a get-together or at a play ground during the evenings. Quite naturally, I was left out. It wasn’t natural for me.

With time, I got my own world the way I wanted it to be. I had the independence and the time. It took me time to overcome my insecurities and zero-confidence. It took me time to face people. It took me time to hang out normally. It took me time to adjust to a group. And when I was done, I realized I had the largest and the most varied friend circle. Without my knowing, I developed a talent of talking to guys irrespective of what they really were. I was the one who had rascals robbing their own parents off money to sex-hungry egoists to studious docile youths, as my friends. I never repented having known them and no bad or abnormal human trait pissed me. I took interest in knowing and seeing it and it was wonderful. A diary with all their details came into existence. There was no mobile or internet to connect the dots at that time. If I had spent my ten years at school sitting at home, all devoid of friends, there I was, spending my evenings with them, till ten in the night. I can’t complain. I had my share and better.

Years passed and I landed up in a software job. I made many more over time. But sadly, my list shrank. From what it used to be huge circle, it was now a bunch of four or five. As life moves on, we all start to walk the real walk, a walk of our own. And we never know where we are headed. And when we look back, we can see them. But, not always, can we have them. Things change. I still have that diary with me back at my home but those numbers and addresses aren’t updated. The names are still there. And with internet, many a new names are still here on my facebook/gmail/orkut profiles. I feel, it’s just a matter of time before it meets the same fate as that of my diary.

I still remember you all even though you don’t and I wish you all a very happy first Sunday of August, 2009. I am happy that at some point of time, our paths crossed and our lives mingled with each other. You all, and your stories and the time we spent shall be with me, forever. And I shall keep on writing about them and sharing them, every single chance I happen to get. :)



And to all my readers and fellow bloggers: A very happy friendship day to you all too, cause even if it’s not me, I know, there has to be someone who for sure is thankful that you are his/her friend. Cheers.