I Watch....

There are times when you try and fail. There are times when you try harder and again fail. There are times when you fail and having tried the best way you could have, you simply sit back and start thinking harder about what went wrong and how things are and what can be done. And hence, I have always acknowledged the importance of watching things. It is highly important that sometimes, you just need to wait and watch. Trying harder worsens things. Thinking to solve makes the problem at hand even huge. Just sit and let things take their own course. That’s what exactly I am doing now.

I have made up my mind after a lot that I shall appear for the GMAT exam within months. Preparations have started. Am trying to punch in all I have. My progress is on. If I can take care of my perseverance levels, things might work out for me. And after that, hoping (the worst word in the dictionary and often considered by me as a loser’s last resort) that I shall fare well, comes my next step of preparing my profile for application to my dream college for an MBA in entrepreneurship/IT Business Strategy. That’s a hell lot. But still, I have taken my stride. Even if I fail, I know I shall be trying again. And even if I fail again, I shall try again with the same motive of trying again and again till I feel enough. Let the time answer.

My above mentioned quest has made me a silent spectator at my job. They are not competitive, not eager to learn and share, not eager to appreciate the new, not eager to let go off their political bent of mind at work, not eager to communicate in the national language or English, not eager to learn and not eager to feel the satisfaction of a day’s end as a developer. I sit with them. I feel their aura taking care of my interest at work. And while am feeling that misery and helplessness at work, my inner desire to achieve and differ is getting stronger. I am thankful.

I am missing her more and more. Even though I have a herculean task of preparing for GMAT after an average of twelve hour of work at office, my brain still complains that my heart isn’t at sync. It has become a way of life for me now. It pains.
One of friend’s who happened to leave the city a few months back is now back with a new job. It’s great for me and good for me. Not that I get to spend loads of time with him as he is busy playing his moments with his beloved (who happens to be here) but that I know a face around myself. Occasionally though, when I happen to see him around at home, in the night, I feel that I have someone now. But alas, I am too lost in my own ways. The person in me happens to be asleep. No idea if I shall ever wake up and be the same as I was a few months ago when every corner of life was cool. They, the creatures might ask me to hope but as I say, hoping is worse. I prefer to stay and breathe these moments in and let my eyes do the job they do best. Rest, is planned I guess. Just a matter of time.