GOD's Game, My Rules.

I don’t know what should be done with a heavy heart. I am feeling so sad. I am unable to cry. I am unable to scream. I am unable to hit something hard. I am unable to end all of this. I am unable to put myself on the table and cut into pieces. I am unable to hold myself. I am unable to express how I am feeling and how badly I am missing her. Right now, I just want to hold her and be with her.

I am fed up with this routinely life and the sick logic of the clock ticking by. I want to take all this shit in a bag and throw it away. I want my life to have nothing but her, keeping all these predictable common cheap illogical moronic practical problematic futuristic planned things out of my way. Life can be so simple. At least for me it can be. I know that. And I want it. A mobile phone, a ring, a missed call, texts, ringtones, a voice at the other end….that’s all I get. Not fair. Either my god is exactly not sure and isn’t good at all at requirements gathering or I don’t have any god. Can’t he see…I refer him as “GOD”, C’mon…

This passivity in me is keeping her away from her happiness. I miss her like hell and when she is there for me, I just can’t control my emotions. And more than often, I end up hurting her. And things which were already so bad for me turn out to be worst. I have been advised time and again by people wise and dumb to control my emotions and distract myself so that I start missing her less. But was that a fair solution? How am I supposed to do it? And you seriously think I can do it in my lifetime. Even if someone is able to, let me tell, that I am a man of emotions. They rule me and my days and my journey. I prefer my mind to be there for the other things. Considering my physical attributes, my brain happens to come before where my heart is located and hence, I shall do justice and pay back my heart by making it count before my brains just to make things equal. He chooses the game and the winner/loser….i decide the rules and play. That’s me.

Let them come. Let the pain be there. Let the love be longed for. Let the hours be long and let the thirst remain unquenched. I don’t give up. I still go the way I go….i take in the pain, cry the tears, voice the scream, miss the life, breathe the distance, smoke to the moments and love you.