The Last Post - 2009

My dear bloggers, this is it: my last post of the year. Tomorrow a hectic day awaits me. I have to reach office as early as I can so that before it is eleven in the morning, I can complete a substantial part of my work. Then I will rush off to receive my love at the station and check her in safely at the hotel. Then I will come home, get my laptop for her and after having arranged for her lunch, will rush back to office. Then I need to leave by seven at the least so that I, my love and my friend and his wife can all go together to the New Year event at the Taj and have some good fun while we rush into 2010.

That is going to be my first experience at any New Year party. Can you believe that I have never been to any disc or New Year parties ever before? That’s true in my case so believe me and wish me some luck so that things move smoothly. :)

Let’s welcome 2010 and hope that we all get to live this year like never before and it fulfills us with what we all are in need of. A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 to all of you from my heart……….

Top 10 from my life this Year: 2009

Today I read about a New Year symptom which is really a very common one. The Top Ten syndrome which has gained more popularity with the growing World Wide Web and it is then that I realized how true it is. Almost everyone, about everything, at the yearend comes up with a Top Ten list whether you like it or not. Why only ten and why not twenty or what is the legacy behind or benefit from having such a list are some things unanswered. You can easily get a Top Ten about music this year or movies this year or the tourist destinations most favored or the car sales and what not. All I can get you here is my Top Ten list, which details about the major happenings of my life this year and it goes as below:

1. I oscillated pretty well from preparing for Java/J2ee to GMAT and had almost two months of brainstorming and preparation done. I visited BTG (www.beatthegmat.com) regularly and posted and read and got into the habit of reading the economist and suddenly realized that I need to have a backup plan before I plan for the MBA. 70% of the preparation was done and I put all of it into water and started with my technological exposure.
2. Two of my closest friends left the city. One went chasing his dreams for an onsite opportunity at the states which sadly boomed after a few months and the other had no choice when his office shifted city. Another one left with me, left too and surprisingly came back after a few months as he hopped a job. At the end, it’s just the two of us, and the group of four is broken. Now it is just about being in touch.
3. The love of life started with her MBA degree this year and went on to stay with five unique characters. Her day-to-day happenings at home, if quoted, will be something to read and I can bet on that. What happens when six girls stay together? Ask me….i can now predict a bit. Apart from that, studies and the big word career is always there. So it has been a busy packed tight personal life for me. Hope all of it pays off and she gets her share of deserving happiness and credit when it is time.
4. I resigned back at my work. I was unable to take the pressure and opportunity of working with six fools taking my credit and misbehaving, all of that under an insensible manager and an always demanding lead. Sitting at the office and waiting for some work to come from the client and that too on a weekend at night ten sacrificing my dinner and love and personal life for nothing but complains and illogical comparisons took the better of me. I had my day and thank GOD for getting me two options to join in another two months. Hope everything that has started good ends good too.
5. The whole year remains sprinkled with days at GYM. I tried many a times and failed more than often to keep the momentum. I am happy that I tried and sad that I failed and guilty that I didn’t try whole heartedly. So many occurrences had never happened before in a year. Seems like I will get it up and running in a few years down the lane.
6. I started my anonymous blog where you are currently and I have loved every bit of it. Though there have been tradeoffs as to posting of pictures and snaps, still as long as I have the freedom to write and express and share, I am happy. And I am happy that I have all of you as my readers. You all have made this world much more special and in a hidden way, have encouraged me to pen down my feelings and thoughts. I owe you all. Blogging and all of you bloggers are a part of my life and I always feel great about having you all here.
7. A big highlight of this year for me was receiving my passport on 1st JAN, 2009. I got it on the D-Day of the year and people who know how I had struggled to get it can only understand its significance. I had a post about it in my previous blog and someday I would share the same. It is the only evidence that I have to show off my perseverance and passion for getting things done when I want them.
8. Earlier I used to meet my love once a year but this year was a special one. We were able to spend a lot of time together and I thank GOD and destiny for that. We have been to places and we had fun and we shared our lives for days and our bondage has increased. Not to say that now we are more eager to meet and miss each other more. Somehow, they happened, sometimes planned and sometimes unplanned but, they were equally fulfilling and lovely. This year is special.
9. I started watching “How I met your Mother” and it is the second awesome thing to which I was introduced to by my love, the first one being Harry Potter. I am presently into season 4 and believe me guys, it is just as what Mr. Barney says “AWESOME”. I love it and I am hooked. I wonder what next would it be once am done with the currently running Season 5 episodes.
10. As a person, this year has changed me a lot. I want to get married to my love. I wanted that since long. Just that now I want it badly. I am done with a bachelor life and want to settle down with her as soon as possible. I now prefer taking a longer look down a few years in whatever I choose and want to add some substance to my life which can make it seem like being alive. My love for her seems to be redefined and I am eagerly waiting for my heart to pulsate the way it deserves to be.

Sorry to the ones who made it to this line. It came out to be a big post. A summation of a year wasn’t easy and I have tried my best to pen down all that was meaningful and significant to me this year. That was a year in my life and a few days down, it would be my past. Hope I was able to make you a part of it the best way I could have.

2010 Resolutions

I love New Year resolutions. Having resolutions makes me connect very well to the arriving of the New Year. Since my childhood, it has been a common practice. And seven days into the year, all of them would be into the thin air. That’s how it always works. New Year resolutions are made to be broken. But one should always try. And for this belief, I shall try again this year too. Below is what I resolute to do:

1. I won’t smoke. Smoking kills. And I would try my best to stop it. I should understand that it is just a habit and anything that makes me think that smoking might help is just another excuse. I am addicted and addiction has got no excuses. I should care for people who love me and stop it. A human brain has all the power it needs to control and restrain.
2. I would GYM. Time and again I have been at it and given up. Sometime the reasons were justified and sometimes which is more than often, it was me. My love for Garfield and calories has to take a back seat and I should exercise to have a shape. I have already started feeling bad about the way I look and I should do something about it before things grow out of bounds. At the least, four times a week is what I would administer for myself.
3. I will hit GOA for certain this year. It was planned thrice. It got cancelled thrice. And not to speak of the bucks which I have lost in the process. I would keep all my shame and ego at the backseat and go and ask and plan it again with everyone and will do it come whatever may. 2011 will surely not have this one in the do-list. I love traveling and there is no logic to go anywhere if GOA hasn’t happened.
4. There are things pending and a driver license and Tai Chi tops the list. I tried both and left them half way through. Though I feel going for a four wheeler license is more logical, Tai Chi should have no diversions. I have already paid for the course and ten classes away from my first step. And Toastmasters has to happen. Though I am aware that it is there at the new company I am going to join, still, if not, then I should put in the effort to do that at the Toastmasters club of Hyderabad. All of these are necessary.

Don’t you think that was huge? I felt it when I was penning it down. Still, that is the list and here it is. History has it that I always score a zero. It is all about hope and the New Year 2010…..so wish me luck. Welcoming a New Year without any resolutions seems lame but not being able to fulfill them doesn’t. :-)

Christmas TO New Year

Christmas is gone. I am sad. I am waiting for my dream Christmas to happen. Someday some year it would happen. My friend happened to know a church in the city. So below are few pics I managed to take. It was crowded but yet, I find peace when I am at a church. Overall, it was great.














I happened to watch 3 Idiots today and we amongst us had a person who is a big fan of Chetan Bhagat, the author of a book from which the movie is inspired. He felt devastated where as I liked the flick. I can understand him through and through as I have encountered such same conflicts while watching Harry potter having read the whole series multiple times. That’s what happens. Hardly have I seen wherein a book or a piece of literature has been done justice. Sometimes, it happens to be the audience oriented director or sometimes the revenue caring producer. But I guess, Lord Of the Rings was Ok…

Hyderabad is tensed. The local political drama is getting complicated and the next few days are difficult to predict. Two days of local “bandh” in the city has already caused a big loss. Hope things settle down soon before 30th December, else I would have to cry. I hope my plans stay as they are and become a practical fact with the New Year…..

By the way, though the Christmas is over, they say it is Christmas time leading all the way to the New Year. It always happens that this period of the year makes me sad for reasons unknown. It might be the coming of a new year or the end of another…..i could never exactly figure it out…but guys, I love this phase of the year. I am having plans to put down a few resolutions for the New Year..but it would be my next post…till then….happy preparing for the New Year….

Merry Christmas..to you ALL

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

I got to know about Christ and Christianity more during my stay at CMCH, Vellore, a Christian hospital where I was admitted at the age of ten for my heart operation. That was the time when I heard jingles and the star. I saw a church for the first time. It appealed to me more than any temple I had ever visited. Whenever I go to a church, I feel this unique peace and solace which I was never able to feel at a temple. Something in it attracts me. And this time of the year, I just love it. It’s one out of my bucket list to celebrate Christmas in Europe or US once with my love with me. It is best celebrated there and I want to feel it there with all the snow around. One day I will….

This Christmas I have a reason to be happy. I have two job offers with me and have successfully resigned at my work place. 2010 holds a new team with a new surrounding and Java. Plans are there to spend the New Year eve together but only time and luck can now make it a practicality.

And any of you, staying at Europe or the states, do me a favor and post some awesome Christmas pics…….i am waiting…

Answer me !

I am unable to carry on with this relentless feeling which I have inside. It’s a pain that I carry. I am hurt. I cry and yet, the relief stays at bay. Tears roll down but I fail to gain from the fall. There is no consolation. I feel as if I am doomed. My crowded surroundings and job doesn’t allow me see my blood come out regularly. I don’t when will it happen next. I am smoking like hell. I am dropping meals and my digestive system has given up. I am unable to sleep. The night seems like a game to me when I sneak in and out of the bed to smoke or feel the cold outside on my face, in that silence while my roommate is busy snoring his tiredness away. I feel jealous of people who are successful in controlling their emotions at their will. I see people around in a relationship, in control of their emotions and happily agreeing to an independent life style for their partners. I wonder how they don’t feel that rusty feeling of belongingness. I have so many questions unanswered. The origin from where they all came is still a mystery to me. I always thought I knew myself but I stand proved wrong. I have offers in hand and there are a few more interviews lined up. But the happiness or the eagerness to rip in the best offer isn’t there. I am not trying to my best limits. People around me question my behavior and mood. Sadly there is no one who can understand me or my feelings and my state.

Do you feel bad when you see your love hanging out with friends? Do you feel bad when he/she goes to the disco or socializes? Do you feel bad when you see someone else touching him/her in a casual friendly way? Do you feel bad when some friend hugs him/her? Do you feel scared of intimacy? Why do I see such things or even bother about all these? How do you make yourself understand that what you feel and see is wrong and hold on to that time and again? Why don’t I just let all these things go and be like everyone of you out there? Answer me….if you can…..my life and my existence is at stake. I don’t think I can continue in this world……..either I am a high level complex disgusting moron who deserves to lose it all or am I a psycho who is never supposed to understand a relationship and love or am I the only one who is correct and hence deserves no place in here…..

I need to understand her existence and her path. I need to understand that it is all about the emotion and the way she feels for me and that all these doesn’t matter and are trifle. I need to understand that it’s just fine and okay and that a human is a social animal and these are some basic survival genetic strategies we all have within us. We need to understand that it is never possible for someone to stay alone all through the life and love a soul and be happy with it. I need to understand that I can’t be there all along whenever he/she is in need. I need to understand that friends do happen and it natural. I need to have a broader view when it is a boy and a girl in a scenario. I need to understand that love is also about giving, believing and understanding. The truth……Agreed !!!

I believe and does all that is said and stop. In some sane or insane way, I somehow stop myself from expressing and behaving in the sick way. But, how do I stop feeling it….? Why do I have it when I come back to my bed and close my eyes…? C’mon….GOD….either take me or leave me….don’t screw me.

Its blood time...

The pain I am feeling now is so awesome. Only a thorn is used to take out another thorn. And that’s what it is. Only pain can kill the other pain. It’s strange. I was literally crying to get a job and now that I almost have it, the fun and happiness isn’t there. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced it that ways but it now seems to me that I was born to feel and live love. And when I say to live it, I am made to live every bit of it. That anticipation, that feeling, those emotions, that ecstasy, that pain, that awesomely superb feeling, those hours spent missing, those dreams, that essence which you can only smell, those seconds, that belongingness…..

It is blood time again guys. HE didn’t give me any other options. I know that you all will hate it, but isn’t blogging all about being me. So presently it’s me and this is my blood for the good. It deserves to be here…..

Blood and the Day...

I am possessive. And that’s why I am bad? Or is that you are afraid of its implications that may in turn question your emotions and beliefs? Whatever, or even if I am wrong, I lost the day yesterday when I pretended to be sick at office and took a leave to prepare for my interviews. I played with my blood the whole day and below is what I could finally satisfy me with.




Not that I want it here for you to see. But I guess, it is fine as I am an anonymous. Anyways, I seriously wanted this to be here and I hope you all won’t mind it. The pain which it gave me relieved me a bit and even that relief was such a wanted one. I love my blood and love it more when I see it coming out. It is really sad that I can never pull in the courage to do something huge or serious. I just do it for that fluid running inside me and I love every bit of it when I see it seeing the world and the pain it has is so purifying. Nez…at the end of the day, when I could have read a bit more, I drank to hell and I don’t have any idea what all went on. I was lying in my bed…drunk…lost…crying…

I got up today and ran for my first scheduled event with no hopes. Surprisingly, I made it to the last round but the lady sitting there didn’t seem convinced of my entry and I was sure I had failed. It became almost a certainty when she uttered those words “The HR will get back to you.” For a job hunter, that is a sure kill. It is just a decent way to say “get Lost”. Anyways, with nothing in me left, I headed for my second event and don’t ask me what happened in there. One round, with questions of my expertise and the second round and I convince a ten year experience guy of my capabilities and things grew better when I get to know that he belonged to the same organization a few years back. It was the hand of god. And I scored finally. As suggested and planned, the plan is that I shall be getting the offer letter to join within three days and hell is sure to come for my team now. I shall avenge….

A BIG Thanks to FARAH...... :-)

All of you...Please.......Pray for Me

Presently am tensed. On Saturday, I have two interviews scheduled. Java is huge. You never know where you are going to get screwed. I am not yet done with my preparation and sadly, that can’t get done by Saturday. So, I have to go in there with whatever I know and can get into my small box till that day. Plans are in place to take a leave tomorrow from work and rope in as much as I can. But with my experience, they might be expecting more. people say that no mortal can read it all and know it all and can go in there and clear the interview and that it all depends on that person sitting there deciding your fate and luck plays a huge role. But i guess i score in this sector hugely....LOL..i never had/have luck. I fear that I won't be able to fit into what they are looking for. On one hand, while I am eager to leave my job place as soon as I can, on the other I am worried that if I continue attending interviews at such a reckless pace, I might end up with none left, when I would finally be done with some amount of preparations. They all have policies indicating strongly that once you fail to clear, you should not turn up in the next six months. It’s a trade off guys, and being in deep shit, I don’t have a choice. I have to go. Just pray for me all you awesome bloggers out there that I clear at the least, one. He never listens to me. But out there, I know many like you are on display who aren’t as shit as me and i am convinced that he is going to listen to you guys. Pray for me………..

I got it !!!

It’s eleven in the night and my day comes to an end. Ideally it came to an end at eight but even though I didn’t have work, my lead at work insisted that I have to wait. Ask him, “Wait for what?” and there will be no reply. I am putting up somehow with all him illogical unprofessional poor managerial traits in hope of a new job. My day, when it comes, shall have my words. Additionally I am supposed to get up at five and avail the cab at six in the morning to reach office as there is a local political disturbance in the city. Where it differs from other projects is that I can’t come before ten in the night.

I had my dinner and went up to the roof to have a stroll. The cold air pushing against my face and the cigarette burning slowly in my hand making my fingers a bit warm made me feel so alone. There is no one to go to at the end of the day. There I was, standing at the roof, all alone in the cold, facing all my problems in the face. Maybe time demands my toughness and understanding but I shall never forget these times. I wasn’t able to help my tears as they rolled down. I had to come down and as I write all of this, there are things left to be done till I sleep. I have six hours for me. I don’t complain for that. But the thing which bothers me is what I have done to deserve this shit. I owe an explanation. All I need is a life with my love where no other or none other than us matter.

In need..

I want to get cast away to some place from where I could never return. This is the only wish I now have. It feels exciting to lead a life with no aspirations, hopes, emotions, dreams and souls around. The catch is to make sure that you never get to come back. Life is short they say. Enjoy everyday as it comes is what they suggest. All of it sounds nice. There comes a day when you give up and you see that it’s beyond your capabilities to push things towards the good/better. It hurts more when you realize after careful consideration that only a part of it was your fault. I am so tiered…I am lost….I am down…I have lost…..and I have lost myself too……

A version of me..

A truth about myself: I am a possessive lover. I don’t know how I became that way. I have seen what it is and what it does. My love has supported me in times when things turned out inhuman for her. She was there all through by me. It took me more than two years to understand what I had become and what I have done. After a herculean effort from her and after loads of assurance that I am better, she somehow managed to lift her career and now she has a life too. But now again, I can see that I am going the same way.

I ask her things I shouldn’t. I sound always curious. I always spoil her happiness and moments. I can see her struggle and her pain. It is high time I should stop myself this time. And howsoever I try, I fail. I am unable to see light. I am lost. It is pain and pain, all over….right to the core.

Note: You might see things here you would have never expected. Please do accept them as you have accepted my blog. They will be a part of me as much as this blog is. I believe that the creator, the inhabitants and the concept behind blogs deserve nothing but the truth.

T & P

I come to realize that tears are for good. They are precious. They are clean and often innocent. They aren’t worldly. They are something which puts you off the crowd. Someone who has tears is someone really rich.


I come to realize that pain makes you see others in a different light. Pain is a way of self retrieval for me. Pain feels eternal. I might be termed as a masochist but it certainly feels like a trance when it gets full to the brim. There is a solace in it.

Destiny & Attraction....

Have you read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne? I happened to come across it while surfing through the World Wide Web and it was a great piece. I never had a liking for self-help or self development books. But there are a couple of them which stand apart and this one surely makes to my list. It claims to unravel The Secret inherent in our surroundings since ages and exemplifies many a cases to prove its point. It speaks of the law of attraction as the prime rule behind every success or failure we encounter and suggests that it is us and our mind that has the responsibility and the power to attract either of the two.

I tried and I am still trying myself at it. But over time, you just start wondering if all those pages are anything but the truth. Negation, in the world of coding is simple and so it is also in my world. It is easy to keep a bag full of those emotions and thoughts and if you start monitoring your own train of thoughts a bit, you will come to realize that it is true. It becomes a nature to complain, accuse, relate and think of failures and so inherent it is that the first time I realized I was doing that, I forgot my state and started thinking how I became so. Presently I am living a life in a box with a hope. I don’t know when my thing will happen or if it will happen at all. But then I argue that if there is no reason to believe that it will happen, then there probably is no reason to believe that it won’t happen. Sadly, that is just half the battle.

Over time, I became a believer in destiny and a voice inside me shouts and insists that there are some things which I can’t control. I am here to fit into the grand plan and everything is fated. You get what you deserve and not what you want. And what you deserve is not what you are or have but by what you are supposed to have in this walk of life. Today, I am challenging the same for the last time. I don’t know which one is true or if at all the law of attraction holds any promise. I am trying. I gave myself a one month time before I draw my conclusions. But the try has to be an honest try. Fears are so many, doubts are in galore, failures are what I only remember, and as I try to fight hard against them every single day, the clock ticks and I get reduced to just a simple mortal looking up at the ocean with eyes of hope lost in a search for answers…………………..

Below is a snap taken by my friend..i liked it…needless to say….it should be here then…..

Love

I don’t know what I did today. I didn’t find anything of interest. I just wanted the day to pass. I bunked from office and went to chocolate factory with my friend and neither of us liked the food. After how many days, don’t ask me, I was interested in the grocery list and our monthly lists. I even went and volunteered to help my roommates with the load. The feeling and thought that someone out there needs me and we could have happened today in an outstanding way was too much to bear. Somehow I stopped myself from getting drunk. It would have been more awful for me. Things were normal like two three calls and our separate lives and the related stories. And when the day is about to end for me, I get a mail. And believe me or not, she always stuns me with her creativity and cuteness. It was just two lines. But the way she puts it, she makes me feel something very special in a unique way. Love feels top of the world. And that’s all I have for the day. 1st of Dec is gone, will come again colored differently the next time. And I also do know that she will again make me feel special in her own unique way. Many ask me what love is and everyone out there faces it at least once. For me, it’s only her. I love you………......