Answer me !

I am unable to carry on with this relentless feeling which I have inside. It’s a pain that I carry. I am hurt. I cry and yet, the relief stays at bay. Tears roll down but I fail to gain from the fall. There is no consolation. I feel as if I am doomed. My crowded surroundings and job doesn’t allow me see my blood come out regularly. I don’t when will it happen next. I am smoking like hell. I am dropping meals and my digestive system has given up. I am unable to sleep. The night seems like a game to me when I sneak in and out of the bed to smoke or feel the cold outside on my face, in that silence while my roommate is busy snoring his tiredness away. I feel jealous of people who are successful in controlling their emotions at their will. I see people around in a relationship, in control of their emotions and happily agreeing to an independent life style for their partners. I wonder how they don’t feel that rusty feeling of belongingness. I have so many questions unanswered. The origin from where they all came is still a mystery to me. I always thought I knew myself but I stand proved wrong. I have offers in hand and there are a few more interviews lined up. But the happiness or the eagerness to rip in the best offer isn’t there. I am not trying to my best limits. People around me question my behavior and mood. Sadly there is no one who can understand me or my feelings and my state.

Do you feel bad when you see your love hanging out with friends? Do you feel bad when he/she goes to the disco or socializes? Do you feel bad when you see someone else touching him/her in a casual friendly way? Do you feel bad when some friend hugs him/her? Do you feel scared of intimacy? Why do I see such things or even bother about all these? How do you make yourself understand that what you feel and see is wrong and hold on to that time and again? Why don’t I just let all these things go and be like everyone of you out there? Answer me….if you can…..my life and my existence is at stake. I don’t think I can continue in this world……..either I am a high level complex disgusting moron who deserves to lose it all or am I a psycho who is never supposed to understand a relationship and love or am I the only one who is correct and hence deserves no place in here…..

I need to understand her existence and her path. I need to understand that it is all about the emotion and the way she feels for me and that all these doesn’t matter and are trifle. I need to understand that it’s just fine and okay and that a human is a social animal and these are some basic survival genetic strategies we all have within us. We need to understand that it is never possible for someone to stay alone all through the life and love a soul and be happy with it. I need to understand that I can’t be there all along whenever he/she is in need. I need to understand that friends do happen and it natural. I need to have a broader view when it is a boy and a girl in a scenario. I need to understand that love is also about giving, believing and understanding. The truth……Agreed !!!

I believe and does all that is said and stop. In some sane or insane way, I somehow stop myself from expressing and behaving in the sick way. But, how do I stop feeling it….? Why do I have it when I come back to my bed and close my eyes…? C’mon….GOD….either take me or leave me….don’t screw me.