The Last Post - 2009

My dear bloggers, this is it: my last post of the year. Tomorrow a hectic day awaits me. I have to reach office as early as I can so that before it is eleven in the morning, I can complete a substantial part of my work. Then I will rush off to receive my love at the station and check her in safely at the hotel. Then I will come home, get my laptop for her and after having arranged for her lunch, will rush back to office. Then I need to leave by seven at the least so that I, my love and my friend and his wife can all go together to the New Year event at the Taj and have some good fun while we rush into 2010.

That is going to be my first experience at any New Year party. Can you believe that I have never been to any disc or New Year parties ever before? That’s true in my case so believe me and wish me some luck so that things move smoothly. :)

Let’s welcome 2010 and hope that we all get to live this year like never before and it fulfills us with what we all are in need of. A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010 to all of you from my heart……….

Top 10 from my life this Year: 2009

Today I read about a New Year symptom which is really a very common one. The Top Ten syndrome which has gained more popularity with the growing World Wide Web and it is then that I realized how true it is. Almost everyone, about everything, at the yearend comes up with a Top Ten list whether you like it or not. Why only ten and why not twenty or what is the legacy behind or benefit from having such a list are some things unanswered. You can easily get a Top Ten about music this year or movies this year or the tourist destinations most favored or the car sales and what not. All I can get you here is my Top Ten list, which details about the major happenings of my life this year and it goes as below:

1. I oscillated pretty well from preparing for Java/J2ee to GMAT and had almost two months of brainstorming and preparation done. I visited BTG (www.beatthegmat.com) regularly and posted and read and got into the habit of reading the economist and suddenly realized that I need to have a backup plan before I plan for the MBA. 70% of the preparation was done and I put all of it into water and started with my technological exposure.
2. Two of my closest friends left the city. One went chasing his dreams for an onsite opportunity at the states which sadly boomed after a few months and the other had no choice when his office shifted city. Another one left with me, left too and surprisingly came back after a few months as he hopped a job. At the end, it’s just the two of us, and the group of four is broken. Now it is just about being in touch.
3. The love of life started with her MBA degree this year and went on to stay with five unique characters. Her day-to-day happenings at home, if quoted, will be something to read and I can bet on that. What happens when six girls stay together? Ask me….i can now predict a bit. Apart from that, studies and the big word career is always there. So it has been a busy packed tight personal life for me. Hope all of it pays off and she gets her share of deserving happiness and credit when it is time.
4. I resigned back at my work. I was unable to take the pressure and opportunity of working with six fools taking my credit and misbehaving, all of that under an insensible manager and an always demanding lead. Sitting at the office and waiting for some work to come from the client and that too on a weekend at night ten sacrificing my dinner and love and personal life for nothing but complains and illogical comparisons took the better of me. I had my day and thank GOD for getting me two options to join in another two months. Hope everything that has started good ends good too.
5. The whole year remains sprinkled with days at GYM. I tried many a times and failed more than often to keep the momentum. I am happy that I tried and sad that I failed and guilty that I didn’t try whole heartedly. So many occurrences had never happened before in a year. Seems like I will get it up and running in a few years down the lane.
6. I started my anonymous blog where you are currently and I have loved every bit of it. Though there have been tradeoffs as to posting of pictures and snaps, still as long as I have the freedom to write and express and share, I am happy. And I am happy that I have all of you as my readers. You all have made this world much more special and in a hidden way, have encouraged me to pen down my feelings and thoughts. I owe you all. Blogging and all of you bloggers are a part of my life and I always feel great about having you all here.
7. A big highlight of this year for me was receiving my passport on 1st JAN, 2009. I got it on the D-Day of the year and people who know how I had struggled to get it can only understand its significance. I had a post about it in my previous blog and someday I would share the same. It is the only evidence that I have to show off my perseverance and passion for getting things done when I want them.
8. Earlier I used to meet my love once a year but this year was a special one. We were able to spend a lot of time together and I thank GOD and destiny for that. We have been to places and we had fun and we shared our lives for days and our bondage has increased. Not to say that now we are more eager to meet and miss each other more. Somehow, they happened, sometimes planned and sometimes unplanned but, they were equally fulfilling and lovely. This year is special.
9. I started watching “How I met your Mother” and it is the second awesome thing to which I was introduced to by my love, the first one being Harry Potter. I am presently into season 4 and believe me guys, it is just as what Mr. Barney says “AWESOME”. I love it and I am hooked. I wonder what next would it be once am done with the currently running Season 5 episodes.
10. As a person, this year has changed me a lot. I want to get married to my love. I wanted that since long. Just that now I want it badly. I am done with a bachelor life and want to settle down with her as soon as possible. I now prefer taking a longer look down a few years in whatever I choose and want to add some substance to my life which can make it seem like being alive. My love for her seems to be redefined and I am eagerly waiting for my heart to pulsate the way it deserves to be.

Sorry to the ones who made it to this line. It came out to be a big post. A summation of a year wasn’t easy and I have tried my best to pen down all that was meaningful and significant to me this year. That was a year in my life and a few days down, it would be my past. Hope I was able to make you a part of it the best way I could have.

2010 Resolutions

I love New Year resolutions. Having resolutions makes me connect very well to the arriving of the New Year. Since my childhood, it has been a common practice. And seven days into the year, all of them would be into the thin air. That’s how it always works. New Year resolutions are made to be broken. But one should always try. And for this belief, I shall try again this year too. Below is what I resolute to do:

1. I won’t smoke. Smoking kills. And I would try my best to stop it. I should understand that it is just a habit and anything that makes me think that smoking might help is just another excuse. I am addicted and addiction has got no excuses. I should care for people who love me and stop it. A human brain has all the power it needs to control and restrain.
2. I would GYM. Time and again I have been at it and given up. Sometime the reasons were justified and sometimes which is more than often, it was me. My love for Garfield and calories has to take a back seat and I should exercise to have a shape. I have already started feeling bad about the way I look and I should do something about it before things grow out of bounds. At the least, four times a week is what I would administer for myself.
3. I will hit GOA for certain this year. It was planned thrice. It got cancelled thrice. And not to speak of the bucks which I have lost in the process. I would keep all my shame and ego at the backseat and go and ask and plan it again with everyone and will do it come whatever may. 2011 will surely not have this one in the do-list. I love traveling and there is no logic to go anywhere if GOA hasn’t happened.
4. There are things pending and a driver license and Tai Chi tops the list. I tried both and left them half way through. Though I feel going for a four wheeler license is more logical, Tai Chi should have no diversions. I have already paid for the course and ten classes away from my first step. And Toastmasters has to happen. Though I am aware that it is there at the new company I am going to join, still, if not, then I should put in the effort to do that at the Toastmasters club of Hyderabad. All of these are necessary.

Don’t you think that was huge? I felt it when I was penning it down. Still, that is the list and here it is. History has it that I always score a zero. It is all about hope and the New Year 2010…..so wish me luck. Welcoming a New Year without any resolutions seems lame but not being able to fulfill them doesn’t. :-)

Christmas TO New Year

Christmas is gone. I am sad. I am waiting for my dream Christmas to happen. Someday some year it would happen. My friend happened to know a church in the city. So below are few pics I managed to take. It was crowded but yet, I find peace when I am at a church. Overall, it was great.














I happened to watch 3 Idiots today and we amongst us had a person who is a big fan of Chetan Bhagat, the author of a book from which the movie is inspired. He felt devastated where as I liked the flick. I can understand him through and through as I have encountered such same conflicts while watching Harry potter having read the whole series multiple times. That’s what happens. Hardly have I seen wherein a book or a piece of literature has been done justice. Sometimes, it happens to be the audience oriented director or sometimes the revenue caring producer. But I guess, Lord Of the Rings was Ok…

Hyderabad is tensed. The local political drama is getting complicated and the next few days are difficult to predict. Two days of local “bandh” in the city has already caused a big loss. Hope things settle down soon before 30th December, else I would have to cry. I hope my plans stay as they are and become a practical fact with the New Year…..

By the way, though the Christmas is over, they say it is Christmas time leading all the way to the New Year. It always happens that this period of the year makes me sad for reasons unknown. It might be the coming of a new year or the end of another…..i could never exactly figure it out…but guys, I love this phase of the year. I am having plans to put down a few resolutions for the New Year..but it would be my next post…till then….happy preparing for the New Year….

Merry Christmas..to you ALL

Merry Christmas to all of you!!!

I got to know about Christ and Christianity more during my stay at CMCH, Vellore, a Christian hospital where I was admitted at the age of ten for my heart operation. That was the time when I heard jingles and the star. I saw a church for the first time. It appealed to me more than any temple I had ever visited. Whenever I go to a church, I feel this unique peace and solace which I was never able to feel at a temple. Something in it attracts me. And this time of the year, I just love it. It’s one out of my bucket list to celebrate Christmas in Europe or US once with my love with me. It is best celebrated there and I want to feel it there with all the snow around. One day I will….

This Christmas I have a reason to be happy. I have two job offers with me and have successfully resigned at my work place. 2010 holds a new team with a new surrounding and Java. Plans are there to spend the New Year eve together but only time and luck can now make it a practicality.

And any of you, staying at Europe or the states, do me a favor and post some awesome Christmas pics…….i am waiting…

Answer me !

I am unable to carry on with this relentless feeling which I have inside. It’s a pain that I carry. I am hurt. I cry and yet, the relief stays at bay. Tears roll down but I fail to gain from the fall. There is no consolation. I feel as if I am doomed. My crowded surroundings and job doesn’t allow me see my blood come out regularly. I don’t when will it happen next. I am smoking like hell. I am dropping meals and my digestive system has given up. I am unable to sleep. The night seems like a game to me when I sneak in and out of the bed to smoke or feel the cold outside on my face, in that silence while my roommate is busy snoring his tiredness away. I feel jealous of people who are successful in controlling their emotions at their will. I see people around in a relationship, in control of their emotions and happily agreeing to an independent life style for their partners. I wonder how they don’t feel that rusty feeling of belongingness. I have so many questions unanswered. The origin from where they all came is still a mystery to me. I always thought I knew myself but I stand proved wrong. I have offers in hand and there are a few more interviews lined up. But the happiness or the eagerness to rip in the best offer isn’t there. I am not trying to my best limits. People around me question my behavior and mood. Sadly there is no one who can understand me or my feelings and my state.

Do you feel bad when you see your love hanging out with friends? Do you feel bad when he/she goes to the disco or socializes? Do you feel bad when you see someone else touching him/her in a casual friendly way? Do you feel bad when some friend hugs him/her? Do you feel scared of intimacy? Why do I see such things or even bother about all these? How do you make yourself understand that what you feel and see is wrong and hold on to that time and again? Why don’t I just let all these things go and be like everyone of you out there? Answer me….if you can…..my life and my existence is at stake. I don’t think I can continue in this world……..either I am a high level complex disgusting moron who deserves to lose it all or am I a psycho who is never supposed to understand a relationship and love or am I the only one who is correct and hence deserves no place in here…..

I need to understand her existence and her path. I need to understand that it is all about the emotion and the way she feels for me and that all these doesn’t matter and are trifle. I need to understand that it’s just fine and okay and that a human is a social animal and these are some basic survival genetic strategies we all have within us. We need to understand that it is never possible for someone to stay alone all through the life and love a soul and be happy with it. I need to understand that I can’t be there all along whenever he/she is in need. I need to understand that friends do happen and it natural. I need to have a broader view when it is a boy and a girl in a scenario. I need to understand that love is also about giving, believing and understanding. The truth……Agreed !!!

I believe and does all that is said and stop. In some sane or insane way, I somehow stop myself from expressing and behaving in the sick way. But, how do I stop feeling it….? Why do I have it when I come back to my bed and close my eyes…? C’mon….GOD….either take me or leave me….don’t screw me.

Its blood time...

The pain I am feeling now is so awesome. Only a thorn is used to take out another thorn. And that’s what it is. Only pain can kill the other pain. It’s strange. I was literally crying to get a job and now that I almost have it, the fun and happiness isn’t there. I don’t know if any of you have ever experienced it that ways but it now seems to me that I was born to feel and live love. And when I say to live it, I am made to live every bit of it. That anticipation, that feeling, those emotions, that ecstasy, that pain, that awesomely superb feeling, those hours spent missing, those dreams, that essence which you can only smell, those seconds, that belongingness…..

It is blood time again guys. HE didn’t give me any other options. I know that you all will hate it, but isn’t blogging all about being me. So presently it’s me and this is my blood for the good. It deserves to be here…..

Blood and the Day...

I am possessive. And that’s why I am bad? Or is that you are afraid of its implications that may in turn question your emotions and beliefs? Whatever, or even if I am wrong, I lost the day yesterday when I pretended to be sick at office and took a leave to prepare for my interviews. I played with my blood the whole day and below is what I could finally satisfy me with.




Not that I want it here for you to see. But I guess, it is fine as I am an anonymous. Anyways, I seriously wanted this to be here and I hope you all won’t mind it. The pain which it gave me relieved me a bit and even that relief was such a wanted one. I love my blood and love it more when I see it coming out. It is really sad that I can never pull in the courage to do something huge or serious. I just do it for that fluid running inside me and I love every bit of it when I see it seeing the world and the pain it has is so purifying. Nez…at the end of the day, when I could have read a bit more, I drank to hell and I don’t have any idea what all went on. I was lying in my bed…drunk…lost…crying…

I got up today and ran for my first scheduled event with no hopes. Surprisingly, I made it to the last round but the lady sitting there didn’t seem convinced of my entry and I was sure I had failed. It became almost a certainty when she uttered those words “The HR will get back to you.” For a job hunter, that is a sure kill. It is just a decent way to say “get Lost”. Anyways, with nothing in me left, I headed for my second event and don’t ask me what happened in there. One round, with questions of my expertise and the second round and I convince a ten year experience guy of my capabilities and things grew better when I get to know that he belonged to the same organization a few years back. It was the hand of god. And I scored finally. As suggested and planned, the plan is that I shall be getting the offer letter to join within three days and hell is sure to come for my team now. I shall avenge….

A BIG Thanks to FARAH...... :-)

All of you...Please.......Pray for Me

Presently am tensed. On Saturday, I have two interviews scheduled. Java is huge. You never know where you are going to get screwed. I am not yet done with my preparation and sadly, that can’t get done by Saturday. So, I have to go in there with whatever I know and can get into my small box till that day. Plans are in place to take a leave tomorrow from work and rope in as much as I can. But with my experience, they might be expecting more. people say that no mortal can read it all and know it all and can go in there and clear the interview and that it all depends on that person sitting there deciding your fate and luck plays a huge role. But i guess i score in this sector hugely....LOL..i never had/have luck. I fear that I won't be able to fit into what they are looking for. On one hand, while I am eager to leave my job place as soon as I can, on the other I am worried that if I continue attending interviews at such a reckless pace, I might end up with none left, when I would finally be done with some amount of preparations. They all have policies indicating strongly that once you fail to clear, you should not turn up in the next six months. It’s a trade off guys, and being in deep shit, I don’t have a choice. I have to go. Just pray for me all you awesome bloggers out there that I clear at the least, one. He never listens to me. But out there, I know many like you are on display who aren’t as shit as me and i am convinced that he is going to listen to you guys. Pray for me………..

I got it !!!

It’s eleven in the night and my day comes to an end. Ideally it came to an end at eight but even though I didn’t have work, my lead at work insisted that I have to wait. Ask him, “Wait for what?” and there will be no reply. I am putting up somehow with all him illogical unprofessional poor managerial traits in hope of a new job. My day, when it comes, shall have my words. Additionally I am supposed to get up at five and avail the cab at six in the morning to reach office as there is a local political disturbance in the city. Where it differs from other projects is that I can’t come before ten in the night.

I had my dinner and went up to the roof to have a stroll. The cold air pushing against my face and the cigarette burning slowly in my hand making my fingers a bit warm made me feel so alone. There is no one to go to at the end of the day. There I was, standing at the roof, all alone in the cold, facing all my problems in the face. Maybe time demands my toughness and understanding but I shall never forget these times. I wasn’t able to help my tears as they rolled down. I had to come down and as I write all of this, there are things left to be done till I sleep. I have six hours for me. I don’t complain for that. But the thing which bothers me is what I have done to deserve this shit. I owe an explanation. All I need is a life with my love where no other or none other than us matter.

In need..

I want to get cast away to some place from where I could never return. This is the only wish I now have. It feels exciting to lead a life with no aspirations, hopes, emotions, dreams and souls around. The catch is to make sure that you never get to come back. Life is short they say. Enjoy everyday as it comes is what they suggest. All of it sounds nice. There comes a day when you give up and you see that it’s beyond your capabilities to push things towards the good/better. It hurts more when you realize after careful consideration that only a part of it was your fault. I am so tiered…I am lost….I am down…I have lost…..and I have lost myself too……

A version of me..

A truth about myself: I am a possessive lover. I don’t know how I became that way. I have seen what it is and what it does. My love has supported me in times when things turned out inhuman for her. She was there all through by me. It took me more than two years to understand what I had become and what I have done. After a herculean effort from her and after loads of assurance that I am better, she somehow managed to lift her career and now she has a life too. But now again, I can see that I am going the same way.

I ask her things I shouldn’t. I sound always curious. I always spoil her happiness and moments. I can see her struggle and her pain. It is high time I should stop myself this time. And howsoever I try, I fail. I am unable to see light. I am lost. It is pain and pain, all over….right to the core.

Note: You might see things here you would have never expected. Please do accept them as you have accepted my blog. They will be a part of me as much as this blog is. I believe that the creator, the inhabitants and the concept behind blogs deserve nothing but the truth.

T & P

I come to realize that tears are for good. They are precious. They are clean and often innocent. They aren’t worldly. They are something which puts you off the crowd. Someone who has tears is someone really rich.


I come to realize that pain makes you see others in a different light. Pain is a way of self retrieval for me. Pain feels eternal. I might be termed as a masochist but it certainly feels like a trance when it gets full to the brim. There is a solace in it.

Destiny & Attraction....

Have you read The Secret by Rhonda Byrne? I happened to come across it while surfing through the World Wide Web and it was a great piece. I never had a liking for self-help or self development books. But there are a couple of them which stand apart and this one surely makes to my list. It claims to unravel The Secret inherent in our surroundings since ages and exemplifies many a cases to prove its point. It speaks of the law of attraction as the prime rule behind every success or failure we encounter and suggests that it is us and our mind that has the responsibility and the power to attract either of the two.

I tried and I am still trying myself at it. But over time, you just start wondering if all those pages are anything but the truth. Negation, in the world of coding is simple and so it is also in my world. It is easy to keep a bag full of those emotions and thoughts and if you start monitoring your own train of thoughts a bit, you will come to realize that it is true. It becomes a nature to complain, accuse, relate and think of failures and so inherent it is that the first time I realized I was doing that, I forgot my state and started thinking how I became so. Presently I am living a life in a box with a hope. I don’t know when my thing will happen or if it will happen at all. But then I argue that if there is no reason to believe that it will happen, then there probably is no reason to believe that it won’t happen. Sadly, that is just half the battle.

Over time, I became a believer in destiny and a voice inside me shouts and insists that there are some things which I can’t control. I am here to fit into the grand plan and everything is fated. You get what you deserve and not what you want. And what you deserve is not what you are or have but by what you are supposed to have in this walk of life. Today, I am challenging the same for the last time. I don’t know which one is true or if at all the law of attraction holds any promise. I am trying. I gave myself a one month time before I draw my conclusions. But the try has to be an honest try. Fears are so many, doubts are in galore, failures are what I only remember, and as I try to fight hard against them every single day, the clock ticks and I get reduced to just a simple mortal looking up at the ocean with eyes of hope lost in a search for answers…………………..

Below is a snap taken by my friend..i liked it…needless to say….it should be here then…..

Love

I don’t know what I did today. I didn’t find anything of interest. I just wanted the day to pass. I bunked from office and went to chocolate factory with my friend and neither of us liked the food. After how many days, don’t ask me, I was interested in the grocery list and our monthly lists. I even went and volunteered to help my roommates with the load. The feeling and thought that someone out there needs me and we could have happened today in an outstanding way was too much to bear. Somehow I stopped myself from getting drunk. It would have been more awful for me. Things were normal like two three calls and our separate lives and the related stories. And when the day is about to end for me, I get a mail. And believe me or not, she always stuns me with her creativity and cuteness. It was just two lines. But the way she puts it, she makes me feel something very special in a unique way. Love feels top of the world. And that’s all I have for the day. 1st of Dec is gone, will come again colored differently the next time. And I also do know that she will again make me feel special in her own unique way. Many ask me what love is and everyone out there faces it at least once. For me, it’s only her. I love you………......

Since 01.12.2003

Today is the sixth anniversary of our togetherness. As I sit here writing this post, she is asleep coping with headache. Well, I never planned to write this. I had planned to be there with her. Time and fate took the better off me. And now I am in deep pain and guilt. I was the one who had planned it. And I had to be the one to call off the trip. It had to be me and it had to be reasons from my life. And it had to be my love.

My Dear God, Love deserves a bit more……

The Walk-ins

Had planned to attend two walk-in events and so I did. I overcame the barrier of getting up early and was there right at the time. The first one was a fluke, as I was turned back with an explanatory note saying sorry regarding a miscommunication in the local daily as to requirement and matching skills. I headed for the second one though reluctantly. I had to put my efforts o some good use. I reached there, was warned that I won’t be getting the expected remuneration and waited for three and half hours and on my turn, I was asked about my career background, why I left my first employer, what issues are there for me with my present employer and my expectations regarding the remuneration. I was assured that I would be getting a call for an interview and I came back home. I had expected that I would be undergoing at least one round of interviews and that it would be a good thing to start with interview questions with minimal preparations. Alas, things were planned differently. Anyways, tomorrow I am headed for a jumbo job fair and I have one employer in there looking for my skills. Hope it works in my favor.

As I was seated at the second event, I saw two typical habits at display which almost always pisses me of. One being, a group, discussing questions and theories and in the process adding on to the pressure of many around them, the second being exactly that particular group of people who are already tensed and sitting there with ample notes and books in hope to give them the knowledge that, according to them, has eluded them so far. Both of these scenarios work pretty fine for me. I find them entertaining and I really hope that I get to video them someday and have it here on display for all of you awesome bloggers. I still remember, anxious faces waiting while praying, with bottles of water, bags of books and Tiffin boxes supposed to contain high energy memory boosters, for their siblings aged twenty plus to come out of exams. It always looked like a war to me. I never felt the dominance of nerves and normalcy. I also do think that those eager experienced souls never understand the image they paint in those tender minds when they do so. I wish, they had been a bit more understanding and normal.

I was really lucky in these regards. I had parents as opposed to the normal masses who cared not for my studies and results but for my health. That is certainly understandable considering that I had a major heart operation at the age of ten but still, when your parents force you to take Arts or Commerce instead of science in the +2 just because the load and pressure would be more, which is news in India. For me, it certainly was. I liked and disliked it. I liked it because it enabled to focus on my actions and understand that it was me who would be solely responsible for my actions and hated it because it was unique and too different from what was all around me. Sometimes, I too wanted that when I call them up, a voice pushes me to study harder and excel.

Well, presently am sad because my love is sitting there, all alone and watching a movie, when her exams has just finished. Wish I would have been there to be with her. That is all from me and below is a pic which I liked a lot(wish we both were there together) and my blog seems to my mortal existence, to be the most deserving place to have it. So below goes that one…..

Finally....its a bit sunny

Oh man….my last post was my 50th one. I never knew that. I had thought once or twice as to how I could make it different. But, I am not creative. Having known that, it was easy to discard the idea. Anyways, my last post was about thanksgiving and hence, it somehow turned out different.

Tomorrow I shall officially start my job search era and I am waiting with trepidation as to what happens. I am not prepared but I always have believed that no one can read it all and go and clear the interview. There are in fact two things which I always hold very highly when it comes to career and interview. Firstly, a career can never be made howsoever you try, it just happens the way it is supposed to be. And secondly, an interview is always simple: if you fuck me, i am out and if I fuck you, I am in. My hopes are neither high nor are they down a drain. But yes, I am happy because it had to begin somewhere. And it has begun. I just pray that if I get thrown out, I take that positively and have the courage to make so good out of it.

And for a difference, tomorrow also marks my first weekend when I no longer need to go to the office. This comes after a six weeks menace which has drawn me the attention and concern of everyone I know. Though I don’t know how it turns up starting the next week, it is really very hard not to feel happy or enjoy when you get two days off after fourty-five days of work.

Nez…all of you….will update you how and where it went……till then, if you happen to read this, just pray for me.

Happy Thanksgiving Day

Since my childhood, I have longed for the Christmas. It certainly had got to do everything with the Santa Clause concept. In India, back then, it was just a concept. Now a day, at places you might see a Santa doing his job during that period of the year, thanks to IT industry and the global connectivity. I always wanted to believe in those stories. I feel good when it’s Christmas and that is one of the reasons I loved watching Polar Express apart from the fact that Tom hanks had his voice in it. I still hold onto a wish that someday I will celebrate this day in the states, where it feels more real, with my love. And as I have grown up, thanks to my movie mania, I have added two more to the list: Halloween’s day and the Thanksgiving Day. But sadly, I don’t share the same passion as my friends (majority of them) share. I never want to go to “onsite” as it is termed in this industry. Last year I narrowly escaped thrice, going to the states on account of not having a passport and there was no one to share my joy with. My manager made me apply for one and the first day of this year, 1st Jan 2009, I received my passport. Thanks again to higher management for shifting me altogether to a new business unit with no immediate scopes of an official states visit, I can stay happily here. I don’t have anything particular against going there except that I don’t know anyone there and that I don’t want to go far off to a land separated by huge figures from my love and parents. And I also don’t have the dollar mania which my friends have. I could never understand the craziness some of them have shown regarding the concept. There are ample here who literally die for going there. And it has become so common in this work culture that one has to admit that it is inevitable. So, I must say, I am lucky here.

Love of seeing places and working in an altogether different environment are understandable but not to the extent that I start looking for a new job just to have a trip to the states. Neither can I see the point in going there and trying to save dollars and wasting a visit which could otherwise have been turned awesome, nor can I get the craziness which drives all of it. To explain a bit more, the day someone lands in there, you can see his albums getting updated not with scenic pictures but with him as an extraordinary achiever posing for god-knows-what. And the society here seems to be kinder to such people too. Personally, on the work front over the last three and a half years time I am yet to see a professional deserving enough of a visit or the benefits. Nez……am tiered. Who cares….!!!

Nothing has changed for me. I still inhabit my workplace for more than twelve hours a day and it is seventh week in a row and am still waiting for a day off. I don’t have clothes left and my stuffs are all over. I don’t have time to wash. I don’t have time to go to the laundry. My present concern is to get my mobile recharged so that somehow I can stay in touch. My internet usage is strictly restricted to mails and job search. I am trying desperately for a job. I guess we fall to rise and the deeper we fall, the higher we rise and I am taking all shit my work life has to offer, believing and reiterating to myself this very same fact. Rest…onto time….

And lastly, very happy thanksgiving day to all my readers….

Accidents

On Saturday when I reached office, I got to know that someone sitting on the second floor has died on the spot when he met with an accident where in a bus ran over him. He was heading for a cricket match which he was about to play regarding a tournament my organization had planned. He was into his second year at work. And the next day, Sunday, I got to know that my project lead who had taken a day off to visit his sick parents, survived a bus accident. The driver was on his cell phone and so was the driver of the approaching truck. The hit each other for a split second and both tried moving it the other way and the bus hit a tree. The glasses shattered and many a faces were smeared with thick instant blood. He had his luck and he survived when four other were rushed to an emergency. And after these tales, I headed for a live event quite unknowingly when at twelve in the night I took a break and planned a coffee. I was sitting there talking to friend overseeing a road curve and as we were engrossed into the minutes of your daily crisis at work, a Skoda speeded by. Into a small distance, it lost control and was about to hit blindly into the wall when it somehow turned back onto the centre and hit a bike and sped off. The biker was thrown away and as it was to be, he didn’t even got a scratch. He was lucky. And whenever I hit upon such things around me, I can never forget the Sunday morning when one of my closest friends had called me up from Kolkata to inform that his elder brother had met with an accident. He and his group were having morning tea after a tiring night at work when, a few meters away a high way heavy vehicle took a turn and slipped sideways and skidded all the way to the shop. Three were able to jump off sideways but the other two were in the front and the overturned vehicle took them all the way to a nearby tree and smashed them. They didn’t die. One got all his shoulder bones broken and the other, my friend’s brother, got his pelvic bones smashed. The guy with the shoulder injury recovered in a year but my friend’s brother has undergone more than twenty critical surgeries and is still critical. Rest aside the fact that his career is lost somewhere in that tea, it is already more than three years and he still struggles to walk.

These always pose a few questions to me and I never could get the better of it. Why do they happen? Is it a predefined fate which one has to encounter or is it someone paying for someone’s negligence and ways which would have happened for the best, as it is supposed to turn out as in near future? What thrill can speed provide at the cost of life and loss? Why do people try multithreaded tasks when they are not synchronized to execute? Can someone ever fight fate? If something predefined really exists, what hope do I have in defining it differently? Why does death differ in forms and content? And lastly, if I am the listener or the viewer, what is it that I am supposed to take from it?

Hopes += Hopes;

One of my closest buddies is here for official training on a product related to his arena of work. And his stay is planned till the end of this month which gives me a good reason to be happy and have some memorable times. And I felt bad thinking about it standing in front of my office at one in the morning of Sunday when my work or Saturday came to an end. I had planned out a mid-night dinner at a famous outlet which specializes in cravings of late night foodies. Sadly it didn’t happen and called him up at twelve to tell him about my state of affairs. Its him to day. Otherwise it would have been my love who longs and waits and asks and texts and finally goes to greet her dreams alone. My life has become humorously pathetic. No weekends and no leaves. Additionally we are supposed to stretch and make things work. I have worked under stringent conditions and in much more demanding projects earlier too but never had I seen such a never ending slog in my way.

Anyways, I am here and I have to do it. Time is running for me. A year and presently it looks like I have a shift to make at work and give my GMAT and apply before August ’10. I leave onto time to make things clearer. And I sincerely pray to god that my anniversary visit to my love doesn’t get hampered. And secondly I hope that am able to get some time to read to brush up my technological skills. And thirdly I hope that I get some time to spend with my friend here as my heart and my cam awaits it eagerly. And fourthly, my exercise sessions on every alternate days doesn’t stop and am able to keep my momentum. So many……that’s my life and me.

The 1st day of...

I never had perseverance. And I am god-like when it comes to procrastination. I have countless tales from the last 26 years to prove them and I have applied them to every corner of my life. And the corner I am presently concerned about is exercising. I wasn’t born fat. I became fat. That was again not my fault. I had undergone a heart operation which pushed my parents beyond any imaginable limits of care. Certain steps were taken to ensure that I didn’t have any physical activities to be done. A maid used to carry my bags to and from the school and my evenings, when every other kid around was busy and lost into sports, were usually spent painting or sleeping. The results were strikingly disastrous by the time when I really started caring about my shapes.

My first take on exercising happened in the college when I used to learn steps from aerobic programs being telecasted in the national television and I would close my room pretending to be reading and would try them out. Somehow I managed drastic changes. With my diet under my constant scrutiny and my secret well kept inside my room with me, I had lost more than twenty kilos in four months. I was good for the world and to me too.

My four years at engineering was marred with habits which included four-five boozing assignments a week and I had developed a love for chicken and eggs by then. A Garfield fan that I was, I was no better than a potato-couch. I was the lazy king of my lot and making me move was beyond the logical capability of any soul around. I have many things which I wanted to do as a kid. Martial Arts used to be one of them. Engineering gave me the freedom and opportunity to have it in my life. I was there, practicing one month and taking a break of two or more. Eventually my teacher over there happened to like me for my reason that I always would go back after a break and though his passion never deterred, my physique surely did. Things worsened in the final year and obesity had taken over me again. I had gained those kilos again.
I got started with my job and within a few months which I took to convince me that I really needed to exercise, I started hitting the GYM. That was the worst thing I could have done. I would go in for two days and something practical like client deliverables or a row with my love over phone or a lazy morning would break it. The make and breaks continued. The longest that I can remember to have stuck at the GYM was around twenty days last winter when I would somehow manage things inside me and get out there. I visited my home place and a gap of seven days was enough for me to be a failure again.

I firmly believe that the things you get are the ones which you want, badly. My people kept on telling me about my positive slope of increments dimensionally and I kept on listening. That was all I could have done. It wasn’t a time to act. But today, starting a few weeks, I have this voice which agrees to what they said. It feels to me like I really want it this time and that I would make miles before I give up. And today I spent my first morning at it. I still don’t know how many I would be able to manage. Only time will tell how badly I wanted it this time……

So Tired...

I feel so tiered. And I feel some new changes in me. It’s nearing three weeks and nothing has changed at my work. The pressure and load is still there. Weekends have been removed from the schedule. Quite often, a single work day comes to an end by the morning of the next day. I am alive deprived of sleep, peace, my laptop, games, and those long calls which I normally have at night with my love. It’s been a long time since I was able to post or read some. I am in a motion and I fear that the day I stop and take a day break, I might never be able to gain this pace. I am working for what I know not. Seeing others taking the credit of what I do seems normal and the right thing to happen. A voice inside me says “go there and get screwed. You deserve it”. I can’t see any options ahead. Sometimes it makes sense to hang on for some more weeks and breathe in hope that things will better and sway on my side of GMAT/MBA plans. And sometimes I feel its time to make a move ahead. I wonder if I should really think of a back up plan. It’s very hard to work without a break or life. And it’s even harder when you work amongst fools. Sadly, Monday’s aren’t tough anymore and neither are Sunday evenings hard on my soul. They just aren’t there.

My favorite reality show (Roadies 7.0) kicks off for this season today. I still remember the last time when I was so eager to participate. I filled up the form and I was the only one I guess who didn’t have a passport and a driving license. Especially the latter one certainly makes me a singular case considering my gender aged 27. Nothing much has changed in that regard inspite of the constant push I get from my love. I still don’t have a license but I do have a passport now. This year I didn’t feel like going for it. Now it feels as if I have grown over these things. They seem childish and stupid and more so when they expect me to ask my friends to vote for me via sms. The way it used to happen, with masses pulling the gates down at the auditions and Mr Raghu Ram banging his head and screaming feels to me as the best way it should happen always. Further, the man himself is missing this season. I don’t think the show would register the same heights it has achieved in the past. The passion might be there, but the content is gone. No Raghu, No Roadies.

My sixth anniversary of proposing her is here if you can ignore the twenty something days in between. It looks to me like we will be together. But I need to improve my chances by not thinking about it much. Plans never work.

Presently I want to enjoy this rusty feeling inside. I want every cell of my body and brain know that I am depressed and tired. It feels great in a way to get submerged in an emotion or a feeling. Someday it will change. The more I get lost in here, the sweeter shall be the day when I come out.

This is my first post from my workplace. I feel elated. Posting always makes me feel that ways. It unarguably is a gifted channel to drain your mind and sometimes….soul. I am in since the last four hours and others are yet to turn up. Still don’t know how long the day is going to be. Hope what I am facing in here, turns out to be of some good someday.

BLues...

Have you ever written a post and then deleted it? I just did that. I am so tiered that I don’t even want to put in what’s on with me at my work here in my posts. I barely have eight hours for me with the bed time inclusive. My GMAT preparations have stopped, couldn’t talk to her for three days, hardly getting six hours of sleep, no entertainment and fun, just work and deliverables. That’s what IT is about. Badly in need of some divine interruptions……..

What's on...

Today started for me at the clock hitting the morning one. My friends love of life was coming for a one and half day stay at the city on the occasion of Diwali. Crowded as it always is, Indian railways sadly has a single portal for online reservations and that too suffers horribly from common issues like server load and poor GUI. It becomes more ironical with this nation being one of the majors in IT. Nez..back onto the thing he preferred a hired cab and we set out. I don’t remember after how many a days I got to get that air on my face. Nights truly rock. They always do. Everything seems so beautiful and serene in the dark. The silence has a meaning. Gone are the days when an hour bike trip around the city was a habit. He was happy as it was love and I was happy as it was a part of my past. I enjoyed the trip to and back. It was refreshing.

Today I did nothing. It was a typical me. Some days in my life are like that when I prefer doing absolutely nothing. It gives me the fuel to propel myself better. I always need that. And tomorrow is again a Monday. A lot has been happening at my work. The pressure is immense. And I realize that I have to get it done for my profile. A nice thing which happened to me during the last week was that I somehow managed to contact a person who got admitted into ISB this year. He was kind enough to allow me to question and I got quite a help from him. I think I am justified in my decision of not applying this year. I need time to prepare and so does my profile. Let time answer the rest.

My preparations aren’t going well. I have bunked the last three days of time which I should have taken to my advantage. But I guess, at midnight with a Monday on the face it won’t be correct lamenting over it. And tomorrow shall also mark the start of my planned exercise regime. Till now, it is there and all is perfect. Let’s see if it remains the same.

Happy DIWALI to ALL...

It’s Diwali today, one of my favorites. Since childhood, I always used to hold on to diwali and holi, one being the festival of light and the other of colors. Whatever might be the mythological significance, I never cared anything else than the fun it holds. I grew up in an industrial town where you can have people from all the states and cultures without any being a particular majority. The benefits were clear. You get a holiday for the festivities of any culture and you get to enjoy a lot. At that age, diwali was all about crackers and the sound. First it was the shopping of crackers. I used to go with my father and my target always was to get as much as I could. Thanks to him, that I was never stopped. What would follow next would be a period of two-three days when with great care I would spread them out in the sun. And then on the day, in the evening I would be there at it. My Motto: Greater the sound, greater the satisfaction. An additional pleasure for me was the scent of the smoke. Even today, I love it. By ten it would be time for us and others to go and visit people at their houses to have sweets and other preparations. That was how it used to be for about the first twenty years of my life.

This is my fourth consecutive diwali at Hyderabad. It has always been my friends. I still feel excited about crackers and that sound. People say it’s a waste of money. Some say that it adds on to the air pollution and even expect a greener diwali. And some consider it insensitive when some natural disaster has struck some part of the nation i.e. the recent floods in Andhra Pradesh, the state am presently in. I have a few answers for all of these. Firstly for the money-concerned, anything that fills my heart with joy and excites me and comes once a year truly deserves my money. What would I need the money for if I am unable to buy me something that rare? Secondly, for the go-greenies, whole year is wasted torturing the nature. Two days back I saw someone burning some tree logs they have cut out and I couldn’t find anyone having any issues. And these same people would die without an A.C at the office floors and cafeteria or without the lift or their vehicles which is old enough to be show cased. If all that gets an excuse why create a fuss over a day which comes once? Is it that damaging? I don’t think so. And even if someone says the start has to be made, I am not going to be that one. I truly love that smell of the smoke and that noise pollution. Mother nature has to excuse me that single day. And thirdly for the compassionate one’s, I don’t need a festivity to identify with the grief of someone. I don’t see any benefit sitting at home trying to support the cause. Why not donate a few bucks from every door to make a difference? I know that can’t be done. It’s sad that no one sees the power of even ten bucks a door in a country like mine where population is huge. Sorry, but sitting at home silently ain’t my way of recognizing with the grief of others.

I captured two videos trying to save the blast of the festival and and uploaded for the first time onto the YouTube and below they go. They aren’t awesome but since I have them all by me, thought of uploading them here. Happy Diwali to you all!!!

Was Alive (26.09.2009 - 5.10.2009)

It has been a long time. And while I am back, I am here now with many changes in my life and many a things which aren’t quite normal to my usual days. The reason is something I would never hide but I really feel that I should list the changes first.

First of all, for the last nine days or more I smoked not more than two a day. That is a record for people who know me. I am a chain smoker and I always find reasons to smoke or reasons find me. Whenever I have tried to quit, things happen for bad or so it seems with an intensity tough for me to handle. Smoking is like that. You start it for one or no reasons. And then you find every reason a reason to smoke. Anyways, I do consider it as a big change and what makes it here in this list is that it is going to be like that.

Secondly, my GMAT preparation and studies has taken a back seat. I didn’t read anything. And the thought of the marathon exam didn’t occur to me. It was as if it was never there. While people do consider such a break to be harmful to the preparation and pace, I could do little to help it. For me it was good. You ask why? Well, I escaped those tensions and stress and the pressure to read and monitor my speed and performance and calculate analytically where I was lagging and where I am now and which sector of the subject at hand I am weak at and how I fare under time constraints etc. It feels hell and it takes time to figure out the hell. I was free from all of it. Now the question is why it makes it to this list when it is certainly not going to be that way when I had already decided that I will be writing it. It’s the fact that I never figured out that there can be a reason which can make me forget it. The step that is supposed to be my last race suddenly fades away and I don’t see it. I never knew that could happen.

I didn’t miss any of my friends. I had no need of any soul. That is unlikely for me. I have some people in my life that I hold very dear to me and always miss them every single day as they suddenly by some unseen force have been moved to places in the last few months. And not always is it that they need me too. I have always been the most emotional of the lot. There is something in me that keep me from making new strings and getting along with people around me is now very tough. Additionally, I don’t see any sense in being with them. I prefer being a loner. Considering these, in the last few days I never gave them a thought. Might be considered as a selfish act but I am not aware of how I stopped missing them. And with time, I have decided to be that way. It’s peaceful and inwards. No sense in trying to hold on to past times and relive them every day. I mind my ways with none but me. I feel that it’s time to let it go.

I had the kind of life that I always wanted. I had fun. I was happy. I was at ease with myself. I smiled since when I know not. I lived. I felt alive. I didn’t have any care in the world. I needed no one. I had all I needed. There was no space and time for anything. It was not void. This is what is going to be my ultimate choice and way of life. I shall strive and fight for it. I had it but in bits. I need it to be right here.

And to add on I had many a worldly happenings which were kind of new to me for their duration or the way they happened. They had never happened like that ever before. Instances of them are many and to cite a few would be going to movies without roommates, food flavored differently and fresh with something I know not what, mornings the way they had never been, a new meaning to a home, happiness and love in a way that you can feel and see, care in everything you get, moments when you close your eyes and want to see etc.

The cause of all these life changing experiences for me has been the fact that she was here with me for the last ten days. Somehow, things worked in our favor and we got our space. Things unplanned always work out the best. And that is what it was. A simple plan that she will be here is what it was. Nothing else was thought of. It was intentional. I had a preferred reluctance to do it that way. And it worked. Things feel into place and we had this amazing awesome lovely unearthly lovely cozy beautiful togetherness of ours. Love was all of it.





There she is, right inside it, leaving for her place. And here I stand trying to capture the take off of my haven and wonder if it could have been anything else. Nothing…………..

I feel great.

Hey all…on a different tone…am very very happy. She is in town and the next eight/ten days are going to be just US. And I am on leave pretending that am going home. The next week is all ours. I can talk as much as I want and have awesome time with her around and do a round to all the places I have always wanted to and the list never ends as it is going to be practical representation of what I have felt, missed and dreamt of while being around the city in the last three years. They say long distance thing never works. No idea if it works or not but yep, its disgusting. The emotion of love does it all. It wasn’t us I guess. It was the emotion and things between us and the way we are.

I took a break from my GMAT study today. I felt I deserved it. I always get my own good reasons for not doing things. The anticipation of her being with me from tomorrow is much much more fun than whatever. Life is such a bitch that no one dies a virgin. Someone rightly said that. But there are things which one never gets to see when deep down under and I am not an exception. All of you know how a sadist I am and see me here. I feel so full and complete now. Wish time stays and flows, with love.

A mistake

My recent life at work is shared by one of my colleagues who happen to had faced a similar situation: moved from the technology of his love onto this 4th gen language for RIA’s (rich internet applications) on the excuse that he too is a quick learner and a fungible resource. And so it happens every day that we play together on the frustration as is always true that misery needs company. But his worries apart from career have a different inclination. He is concerned about his age nearing thirty and marriage. Though I am two years younger, still it makes me wonder if that would be the case when I reach there. He was upset today as his online profile on a matrimony site (through which, to my surprise, he has applied for viewing more than a hundred profiles yesterday) has been disabled as his landline number couldn’t be verified by the site owners, a step which he took to make his profile completeness a complete 100 from 98. And you can also see him wonder during his evening breaks at tea and snacks as to who he should call and communicate his feelings and find his likings and a match for a partner so that he can update his parents about the same. He surprises me. And I have known many a people of the same league who are dying to marry. I can never understand the concept why people feel like marrying or how can a marriage be a solution to souls who are single. Is it a hormonal surge or just a longing to belong? And it seems I can never find an answer. Logic which I faced from many such beings are that an early marriage can settle down things and you get more time to focus and plan your life but is that what I need to have focus and a plan? I am committed to a lady for the last six years and more and marriage is something which is last on our list. There are so many things to be done. Of course, I am screwed in this three years of long distance thing and I feel strongly that back at home I deserve none than her and nothing matches up to a life with her but that doesn’t mean that I go crazy about marriage and forget what I am at and rub down the things which bear importance and effect. And what about my after-marriage life and the questions that awaits me on the other shore. I feel either I am dead right or I am dead wrong.

I did one big mistake. At work, I found myself in an issue which needs R&D on some new libraries and it might be that I was bored, I jumped in and after the client call I found myself staring at a herculean task which needs to be done in the next two days. I had decided not to undertake any major responsibilities at work as my brain needs some rest and peace after having study for fun till three in the night. And I lost it. I don’t know why I did that. I should have stopped myself or showed little zeal in there. I know that even if I get that done, I won’t be getting anything good. It only puts extra pressure on my GMAT preparation. But the damage is done. Hope, I stick to what I decide.

It’s three in the morning. Here, the day ends for me. Another one awaits me with loads of work. It’s sad that these ten minutes which I spent writing this post was all I got for myself today when I felt I am free, happy and alive.

Life & a holiday

It has been more than a week since I talked properly to her. Exams in all form are unaccepted and utterly cruel. And here it has left me quite alone. I have so many a things which I need to discuss and talk about. Without her I can never find a suitable audience. She is a great listener and understands me the best. It’s another story that once this is over, she will be here with me for around a week. Due to some prescient talent which I happened to have acquired through my failures and luck, I prefer not thinking of all that now before it actually starts to happen.

It was a holiday for me and I got up in the afternoon. Now a day I sleep at three or after by choice as that’s the only time I think I can do some quality reading. Why I am blogging now then is something I hope the readers won’t ponder over. Nez..i got up and ordered a my lunch and with a full belly gave myself an excuse to sleep and have some rest and so I did. I got up into a beautiful evening with clouds nearing and soothing breeze making it all perfect to go out and enjoy. There I was, all lost just as I woke up. With no soul around for me, the prospect of it was irritating. It makes me feel that the sooner I get done with my present life and its inhabitants, the better it is. I need a big change in my life. And that change should be about all that my life is presently except my love. She is the only perfection I have in this life of mine. My life needs a different soil. I am rusted to the deepest core. I want a change of career, of people around, of my never-ending lingering, my moments of realization about how bad it is now and how good it was, of people whom I reach out to because they played some part in my past, of this hope that tomorrow will be the day. And as I journey through them, I can feel that I am unable to focus and give my GMAT preparations my best punch.

I tried changing my blogger background and just when I was almost at the verge of screwing up the whole I stopped and thankfully was able to restore it back to what it is. Wonder how all you wonderful bloggers did it with such finesse. A time has come when I really want to be in shape. Earlier things were a little different. It was my love or my friends or some of my so-disgusting colleagues who used to point it to me but I never felt the need. Now, I want it. Not that I am suddenly a fitness freak but one eye of mine complains that am becoming obese and the peak is near from where there can be no easy return. Better now. Hope I can pull in the required into this void existence of mine. And for this post, am all done except one thing which sadly I can only write about: I want to scream at the top of my voice in this silence of the night………..

Pointless Pointers

With nothing that I can be better at presently, pardon me for my pointless humane " don't want " pointers.

I don’t want to breathe just because I am alive.
I don’t want to work without passion.
I don’t want to compromise the way I have seen my people do.
I don’t want to repent for any that I have done till I die.
I don’t want to lose again when am playing the last game of my life.
I don’t want to cry without her.
I don’t want to be alone for my individuality, straightforwardness and emotions.
I don’t want to have faith that someday it will be all good and no bad.
I don’t want to remain a wannabe forever.
I don’t want to be hated for being what I am.
I don’t want to have dreams when there are many which are yet to be true.
I don’t want to pray and repeat all that of a life which HE himself has engineered for me.
I don’t want to see death the way I have seen it once.
I don’t want to lose her ever for whatever.
I don’t want to wait forever for the night to go.
I don’t want to see the dawn alone.
I don’t want to have a brain when I have a heart to feel.
I don’t want to end up being termed a masochist.

Linguistics

My nights are now spent reading grammar rules and nuances and what not. I can very well remember my childhood days. Grammar was always a hard part for me because of the amount you need to remember but somehow I used to fare good to mine and my parent’s surprise. Sadly, someone at the GMAC has decided and planned long back against that luck and surprise. I am back reading the basics after finding it tough to deal directly with the application of concepts. It felt silly to realize that I even forgot what an article is. I couldn’t help my embarrassment at such a finding. It is hard to read and focus after ten-eleven hours of work at office. I end up having no time for me. I wish time sails fast and I near the D-day with some confidence and good quality practice.

My life has stopped happening. It’s going normal. It feels to be against nature to me. I find it hard to acknowledge that silence and flow in my days. I have seen so less of them in my years. Either I am nearing something huge or I don’t interest life anymore. On a different note, I have started reading the NY Times recently especially the Opinion section. They say it helps in structure familiarity and coincides in frame to RC passages. And in the process I have lost touch with the local happenings. I wonder what happens to me and my awareness three weeks down the time lane.

I bunked my classes big-time since my engineering days. At job as a developer I read a lot in the last three years on the technology front and now my recent passion for an MBA doesn’t put me on a different page. All of this makes me feel that I should have started bunking classes much earlier and preferably from the pre-college era. No one ever told me that job doesn’t put an end to all these reading phenomena. Well, I take that as a lesson and bet that my children will surely have that enlightenment. And if any not-so-studious under-graduate happens to read this, please make a note: stop reading and have some fun before job takes the better of you or reading becomes a necessity. I had some good years and seriously hope that you get to have more.

Temporary Musings.

It has been days since I wrote a blog. Life has become hectic. I suddenly realize the importance of my profile and the recommendations I shall need with time. I need two with one coming from my previous manager and the second has to be from my present. I will need solid work related insights in that. That implies more work and responsibility on my part irrespective of the fact of change of my technology. Even though it’s no more JAVA but still, I have to do it. Getting my GMAT scores high won’t suffice for me considering the mediocre profile I have regarding my education. So mornings are all covered with efforts to get up early and read and the rest of the day into the night at office trying to wade off all the negative vibes I get in that moronic team and be productive and innovative. Personal lanes are going great. We are having good times and talks. Suddenly, as if by the magic of Dumbledore, things are smooth. I am in sync with my life at present.

It’s an afternoon and it’s windy and raining. I am thrilled. And I don’t know why. This is one of those feelings which I guess most of you all are aware of. Hardly do I know someone who doesn’t like clouds and the rains. I planned to give myself an hour before I start reading. These are the times when an year back I would have put on some filthy clothes and would have gone out biking. It is eternal to be there under the rains coming directly from somewhere up. Everything around is suddenly so fresh. It kind of ignites a spark of I know not what, inside. I get inspired. I get refreshed. I get charged. It is nurturing. Sadly, I can’t go out now. Gone are the people and the days. Maybe into future, someday will make it happen again.

I am hooked onto twitter these days. Somehow I can access it from my office too. I sent all the people I know an invitation and three happened to join. That’s them. I can’t help it. I don’t have the slightest idea why people don’t even want to try things or even have a look before judging. Technology repels them. Staying connected in a closely knitted network doesn’t resonate with them at all. They say they don’t have the time and some say that keeping up with their mails and portals like orkut/facebook is getting tough. It makes me wonder if I really work or am I really busy or is it just a shit they give me. Wish there were some acceptance of Terms & Conditions to be done with before a friendship strikes the chord.

A few plans are on the cards, one being a long seven day visit from my love over to my place followed by a month’s gap before a group outing with friends at GOA. That’s a place I have planned for earlier and things never worked out. Plans never work. For me it never does happen. I hope planning just a month before is not considered as really planning for it and it doesn’t get cancelled this time too. I somehow managed to convince my parents about not going home now. I need to get done with my syllabi fast. I have three weeks at the maximum if I have to give ISB RC2 applications a shot this year. Seems I will myself cancel the plan again. LOL

Normality

A holiday, it was, today. I wasted the whole day. I was with my laptop playing games and seeing another screening of “The Notebook” for a change. I don’t even remember when it was the last that I watched a movie. GMAT prep and my life had put me on a different track. Problems are still there. Just that now a days I am pretty cool with my personal life and way it is going with my girl. Somehow I guess things have been sorted and taken care of. Or that GOD finally had some mercy for me. But as the masters of GMAT have said, a short break doesn’t hurt. So Mr Tomorrow, u shall have Office/work/GMAT written all over you.

Almost all my friends are now aware of the fact that am going for an MBA and striving hard for GMAT. As I talk to them and answer their queries about how and what it is and what rest needs to be done, there is some voice inside me which says that I will do fine and a voice which voices equally that I won’t stand a chance. It’s such a killer. Not that I am an optimist but that I don’t want to have that doubt inside me. I just want to do it and face and strive harder if not things are as planned. But then they say that a little bit of that voice never hurts. It in fact acts as those doses of repellants that induce a bit of the virus so as to make you more immune towards it. See how confused I am and what an inner struggle I am facing. I always said that career plans and ways are such a pain in the A**…..here I say it again…..happiest are those who never planned a career. Let it just happen. Wish I could have.

Something inside me these days says that I should get myself some cardio and presses. After such a huge gap I feel I am not fine with what I am growing into day by day. The fire has started. I waited for it for such a long time. They all kept on saying that I should start but I never did it whole heartedly. A push can never make things work. The inertia of action stops over time. It has to be from inside. Plans are new this time. That’s what I prefer every time I go for a fresh start. I have decided upon a new training schedule. Time has come to put it into a roll….

Those were some colors presently in my life on my mind inside my heart. I have already stepped into my most favorite day: Friday.

Silence

How many people do you talk to in a day? Can you count them? I can count them. It’s one if I really consider talking. I don’t have anyone around. Neither do I look for someone understanding nor someone with whom I can share and do some soul searching. At home, one of the guys around is hooked to staying in his own room and stays awake till four in the morning. I don’t get to see much of him. The other one, my roommate goes for the bed early and sleeps most of the time. By the time I come back, he is usually one hour away from his busy affair with sleep. At work, communication is an issue. They don’t understand me and I don’t understand them. They don’t want to and that doesn’t make me feel like doing it. To add on, racism is their cup and I am an intruder with better competencies. So everything about them and their behavior is understandably humane. I have become so miserable with time that now I don’t have anyone to have food with or smoke with. Others, whom I can reach to via my mobile are either busy with their lives or are at office busy with planned meetings and schedules. All I have as the only option apart from the fact that I love it even if it’s not an option is my love. She is either busy with her MBA or is busy to have some entertainment to get rid of her fatigue and the load of her assignments. Where do I go? What do I do? Whom shall I talk to?

After the day, all alone by myself, I feel like screaming at the top of my voice. I am sad and hurt and alone. Now, roaming alone at two in the morning, on the roof top doesn’t feel unnatural. I don’t have anyone by my side. Every soul is busy. I too have a life. I too am busy. But why is it that i end up seeing others and waiting for them? Am i wrong in being in need of a voice to talk to? If not people, why doesn’t god get it? I have so many things inside me which never gets to come out. I need a vent for them. Sometimes I feel I don’t exist. I am in a dream, unable to reach out to others. I hated myself. Now i pity myself too. I never cried for myself before.

The bits in 1

I returned from office at 1:30 in the morning. I had ten more hours between us. One of those things which I regret doing everyday-Sleep, had to happen. In a way it was good that it kept me from atwitter and in a way it was bad. I missed those gushes of emotions. Finally it boiled down to three more hours. The final hour was the best one. I was approaching the station feeling numbness all over me. It was as if I had accelerated to my full extent and my speed was at maxim and I had let go off all my controls to see myself approach the final finish line, sitting back relaxing in the wind flowing past. It is one of those joys that I hardly get. That feels huge and it feels best.

She was standing there just like any other mortal and things followed the way they do. In an hour we were together and it was so unnatural. It took me some time to realize that finally this was it. The seconds were heavy and full. There was so less time left yet it seemed so long. We talked, we laughed, we cried, we felt, we thought, we lived…it was to me as if I was alive. No idea when it becomes a way of life but till then, I surely know, these are the best of moments. Someday we might be sitting together in our house remembering them but today, it was something. This thing termed love makes humans so important and godly. There is ecstasy embedded deep in the air between the two. It’s natural and yet unnatural. I am yet to know words to define how I felt in there with her. We had planned to cut off all outside stuff to the least except the latest from potter series. We both, being potter fans, thought of watching it together. It was luck that it happened so. Rest was all about us being together with each other. Standing at the airport I could see her getting her things checked and getting the boarding pass done. She moved towards her security pass gate and suddenly, she was gone. She was not there. I tried all angles I could. And that was how it all ended. She was gone. The magic was gone. It was me, with my world and ways left behind. I felt sad and was missing her badly. Thanks to my friend who suggested an hour at barista. But it didn’t do much except to add on to my calories, chocolate iceberg and lasagna being my favorites. I was back with moments new in my life. I had ample to think and feel. I somehow felt great as I know that I now have them for the end of my life. I can swim through it all at my choice.

Coming back to the present, my GMAT RC struggle has been of some success now. I am doing 2 minutes per question with something between 85-90% as correct. That leaves me with Sentence Corrections (to be referred as SC henceforth) in the verbal section. Changing my study timings to the mornings has helped me. It keeps me free of the tiredness of the day at work and I am calm and relaxed when I get up. Challenge is to not stay awake late at night, something which is in accordance with my biological clock. It will at the least take me a week before I am done with my SC. And then the real fun shall begin. Time will tell how I do when I have CR, RC and SC on a single plate. Nez…..It’s my last run and my last race. I wait…

Workplace is still the same with the same fools around. My team lead expects unplanned leaves to be planned earlier so that they can be notified to the clients and be planned for accordingly. I pity his logic and expectation. Apart from that, he doesn’t deserve anything. My manager being docile that he is, always has the same words: “Going forward that is the plan actually…………..LOL. Rest, the team is happy with politics and manipulation. Knowledge, enthusiasm, quality and passion are still at bay. With that, there are certainly no worries for them.

My morning commitments to GMAT prep and my day at work has put me on a hectic schedule. So to all my readers and bloggers whom I follow, please be patient with me and don’t mind about my absence of visit on your respective blogs. Soon, I will be there and follow up with comments on all of them.

My last post was very special to me because it had the text which said she is coming. And hence, regarding the comments I got on my last post I had things to say to all of them. I wonder if they would have read it had I posted it there. Hence, on a different note here is what I had wanted to say:

@ Farah/Novelist Barista: thanks to you two. Your wishes did their job. I had great time, one of the best. :)

@ Spatzi: That was wonderful. I agree to that.

@ Deepika: It was great. And I think I have tried describing it here the best way I could have. Beauty of love certainly is what you said. Above all, I believe love is everything. And i am a proud emotional fool....r u ? :)

@ Sandy: I am amazed by things you know. :)

@Anonymous: It’s all about you dear. :)

1 after a 0

I am still a developer. Computers and their lingo rule my life. And sometimes the language they understand suits best in some scenarios. For an instance, I had a zero in my last post with a letter to Death. And guess what? This time it’s a one.

My love planned her travel back without letting me know and I felt sad about not being a part of the whole deciding process. I can never get enough of her. I need her badly and I miss not being there as a part of her life. I guess moments lost in distance are moments missed forever. If a day is gone without her being with me (as is presently the case), it feels as if I am tearing a page off my life’s diary whose pages are limited. I could have filled in that page with so many numerous moments of emotions, togetherness and love. Nez..don’t ask me how but she is coming tomorrow for a day. I precisely remember when it was the last. Two months and am dying to meet her again. My atwitter is not allowing me to write more. All I know is she will be there with me and I have a day to live with her. So all of you, until Sunday night, have a great weekend. Meanwhile, let me get some air of love.

@Death: If you have read my last post, just ignore that. My account was hacked and I am exactly not sure who has put that in. :)

To: Death

Dear Death,

Take me. I have heard all along that you are the sole winner. I truly believe that you are the only truth. And I read countless stories of fools trying to avoid meeting you. I am here to let you know that I am all eager to meet you. I, just like any other mortal, live in this place named world on a planet called earth. As to my profile, I have parents and a love. That’s all I have. I don’t know any other mortal having any relationship with me. Some were never there and some which happened to be there just for the sake of being there, have been identified and dealt with. I believe that this letter will reach you because I suit the place more than any other. I am not needed by anyone in this world. My parents love me a lot but they could never understand me. This has happened time and again. My love loves me but she is not ready for a relationship with me and seems to me like am being a burden on her too. That’s all I have got as to how badly I am needed by the only three people I have. Sadly, they love me but they don’t need me. I die every day at numerous moments. I am tiered of this pain inside. My heart cries every night. I feel it difficult to breathe every moment. I feel angry at myself for taking that breath inside and pushing myself to another moment of pain. I have accepted my defeat on every corner of my life. And I am not interested in any further tries. Even if you aren’t convinced yet, meet me to know me more and am damn sure that once you meet me, I will surely convince you of your act. I am more afraid being alive than meeting you. I am a different case and it will be quite challenging for you to make yourself agree to come to me. I hope you enjoy it. It offers you an oppurtunity to take a break from what you do everyday and have some fun. Dont you need something for your blog? You are all around. You have been places most unwanted. Please be here. They have all refused me. Please don’t deny me. Amen!!!

Yours truly,
An eager soul.